


with the fire behind us (and the light ahead)

by bibliomaniac



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Banter, Body Worship, Depression, Dirty Talk, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Frottage, M/M, Mutual Pining, Rating May Change, Size Kink, look the game has a rich beautiful setting but i just like aus, or also...may not, smut in ch16, so much fucking banter, that's not a sex technique but it's there anyway, we will see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:53:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 49,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26910214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bibliomaniac/pseuds/bibliomaniac
Summary: Thanatos isn't about to admit it, but he's not doing well.He lost his job after a stress-related health breakdown. He's struggling with depression and low self esteem. His best friend since childhood, Zagreus, left the city a year ago, and while Thanatos won't admit this either, he still hasn't figured out how to deal with his feelings about that...or his feelings for Zagreus.But when Zagreus offers to help Thanatos recuperate by bringing him to live with him in his house in the mountains, Thanatos is going to have to face all of that and more, and maybe he'll realize that he's not the only one who's facing away from the truth.((aka: a downtrodden than goes to live with zag because nyx is a schemer; They Are In Love))
Relationships: Thanatos/Zagreus (Hades Video Game)
Comments: 384
Kudos: 781





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from the lyrics of 'on the edge of all this' by snow patrol
> 
> look this is probably a mess, i'm fightin through brain fog and shitty fingers and a lack of inspiration, but i wanted to write some zagthan gdi and so i did. and will. this was not intended to be more than one chapter but i'm, as ever, full of shit in that regard and many others lol
> 
> cws for ch1: mention of work / being fired, mention of stress breakdowns, negative thinking, low self esteem, indirect mention of agoraphobia causing some trouble for someone else (let's be clear, not because agoraphobia is inherently troubling, just bc Hades Isn't A Great Dad), glancing mention of what could be construed as emotional abuse or neglect (bc again Hades Isn't A Great Dad), abandonment issues?, food mention, pain as a coping tactic (nails into palm)

_“Maybe…”_

_His voice splits the calm quiet of the evening, but it’s familiar enough that he doesn’t startle. He just shifts slightly to look at him, makes a small questioning noise._

_He’s looking upwards, the slightest of smiles curving his lips. “Maybe Thanatos and Zagreus…the real ones, I mean. Maybe they would’ve been friends too.”_

_That’s just like him, he thinks, eyes shutting, lips quirking. “Maybe.”_

_“I hope so,” he says, voice nearly a whisper now. “That’d be nice.”_

_He almost hopes so too._

* * *

Thanatos wakes up with a startle, as he does most days. Even now that he’s not working anymore, it’s hard to undo years’ worth of conditioning that tells him there’s surely something he’s missing, something he hasn’t done or needs to do soon—conditioning that runs deep, through his childhood and into his psyche and his dreams.

Wake up, Thanatos. Wake up. There’s work to do.

He runs a hand through his hair and slumps back against his pillow, exhaustion already setting in for all he’s only been awake a minute. He knows even without looking at the clock that there’s not actually work to do. There’s not been work to do ever since his massive stress-induced breakdown and the resulting months of doctor’s appointments undid years of loyalty and overtime and got him fired.

Remembering it opens the hollow place in his chest all over again, the place that chants _useless, useless, good for nothing, not good enough,_ and he presses his lips together, presses his fingernails into his palm until it hurts enough to take his mind elsewhere. Like to his mother, whose house he’s living in again even though he’s in his thirties. To his brothers and sisters, who still have stable jobs. To Zagreus, who left—

He presses harder.

Fuck. Fuck that dream for bringing Zagreus back. And fuck Zagreus, he thinks, but without the heat he wishes he had. It’s hard to be angry at him, given everything.

Zagreus was his best friend, and likely still is even though they haven’t seen or spoken to one other for a year. They’d met when Thanatos was eight and Zagreus six, when Zagreus staged a daring escape from his private tutor to the outside while Thanatos was reading by the hedges outlining his home.

Zagreus had dashed, cackling madly, right past the sidewalk in front of Thanatos’ home, then skidded to a stop as he noticed someone outside. “Hello!” he’d said, running just as quickly over to Thanatos, who was not expecting human interaction today and clutched his book closer to his chest. “I’m Zagreus!”

“Zagreus, get back in here, so help me—” came a booming voice from the other house, as if to reinforce his introduction.

“Hello,” Thanatos had said, tense and ready for the conversation to be over before it began. That’s how he was with most people: more content to be by himself than with anyone else. His family was, perhaps, the sole exception, though even then he generally preferred alone time when given the choice.

“What’s your name?” The child in front of him, barefooted and dressed in an audaciously red pair of overalls, didn’t seem to share the same proclivities or to pick up on any hints Thanatos had rather hoped he was laying down. He was grinning and shifting from one foot from the other, like he was seconds away from running again.

“Isn’t that your father yelling?”

Zagreus shrugged, unrepentant. “Sure. He yells a lot. I mostly don’t listen, anyway.”

“You probably should.”

Zagreus scrunched up his face, looking Thanatos up and down, and muttered, “Maybe, I guess.”

There was a silence, during which Thanatos had thought the kid would run away again, but instead Zagreus just lightened up and asked once more, “So what’s, um, what’s your name, anyway?”

Thanatos had never liked his name, and he liked the idea of giving it to rude strangers even less. “Why do you care?”

“Cause you’re the first kid I’ve seen, is why.”

Thanatos had blinked, taken aback. “Like, in the neighborhood?”

“No, like ever.” Zagreus swung his arms around, still full of motion. “I mean, except on TV, when I can watch it.”

“What about at stores? Like—the mall, or the grocery store—”

“I don’t…” Zagreus’ nose wrinkled, something like frustration in his eyes. “We don’t…leave.”

“What do you—”

“We don’t leave.” Zagreus repeated. “The house. I can go in the backyard if, um, if I’m good.”

Thanatos had sat up straighter, leaning forward at this mystery. “But you have to. You can’t just stay inside all the time.”

Zagreus scowled. “We just do, is all. Dad doesn’t like it. The outside.”

“He doesn’t like the out _side?”_

He had stomped on the ground, then, a bit irritated. “Yeah! Look—”

Zagreus was interrupted, though, by a giant of a man coming out of the doorway, arms crossed tightly and lips pressed even tighter. “Zagreus! You get back here right now.”

Zagreus had paused, looking between the house and Thanatos, weighing the options.

“You’ll get in trouble,” Thanatos had offered.

Zagreus smiled at him, and Thanatos remembers thinking he’s not sure if he’s ever seen another kid with such a sad smile before.

“I’m already in trouble.” He sighed, scuffed his feet lightly against the grass. “Yeah. Well…bye, then.”

“Thanatos,” Thanatos had blurted out for reasons he’s still not sure of. Maybe because Zagreus had looked so sad, or maybe just because even then, they were still drawn to one another: two pieces of a puzzle, two sides of the same coin. “That’s my name.”

Zagreus had brightened up immediately, like flowers blooming, like the sun shining down on Thanatos, too bright for him. “Oh! We’re the same!”

They were, though neither of them knew it yet.

“Like Greek,” Zagreus clarified. “My dad has the stories.” He beamed. “Thanatos is so cool.”

Thanatos had always hated his name, but he’d read the stories too—trying to find a purpose to his name, to the curse his parents had given him. This was the first time he had thought that it wasn’t quite as bad, perhaps, as he had thought.

“Zagreus, if you don’t come back by the time I’m finished counting down I swear you’ll regret it,” his dad growled, and Thanatos watched as Zagreus visibly jumped. “Ten. Nine—”

Zagreus grimaced. “Bye,” he said, starting to run, but as he reached the hedge he stopped for a moment and looked back. “We should be friends,” he said with another bright grin.

He reached his door by the time his dad counted two, and maybe he stopped thinking about Thanatos then because his dad dragged him in by his ear and he was screeching bloody murder about it, but Thanatos kept thinking about Zagreus even as he was falling asleep. It was the first time, too, that someone had _wanted_ to be his friend.

Just as his first impression of Zagreus had ended up being correct—that he was full of energy always, and too bright for him, and wonderful and kind and the best friend Thanatos could never have asked for—his first impression of his father had ended up being correct as well, and it’s for all those reasons Thanatos can’t exactly be angry at him for wanting to leave. Not exactly, anyway, but he had been at first.

Maybe angry isn’t even the right word. Maybe just that Thanatos relied on him, and cared for him with an intensity he still tries not to put words to. And maybe just that Thanatos had thought that Zagreus felt at least a fraction of that, and Thanatos would never have been able to leave him for anything, and it felt like a betrayal and a disappointment and a rejection, even if he knew it wasn’t one. Not on purpose at least.

He drags his hand over his face, clenching his teeth so hard it hurts. Fuck, it’s only six a.m. Too early to be thinking about all his failures. He’d like to get through one day without thinking about Zagreus. Just one day, is all.

If there are gods, Greek or otherwise, though, they seem to delight in his pain, because as Thanatos pushes an apathetic spoon through some oatmeal, the doorbell rings and his mother gives a rare smile. “I’ll get it.”

He stares after her. Suspicious.

In retrospect, he should have realized how she was vibrating with nervous energy all morning, how she seemed distant when he asked her a few questions, like she was waiting for something.

Or someone. Apparently.

“Hey,” Zagreus says.

Thanatos stares at him, wordless.

Zagreus scuffs his shoes awkwardly against the tile of the kitchen, the same habit he’s had since they were children. That, more than his appearance, convinces Thanatos he’s real.

It may be hard to be angry at him, but Thanatos thinks he might be managing it now regardless.

“Would it be too cliché to say, uh…long time no see?”

A muscle in Thanatos’ face tics, and he shoves his chair out from the table. “Thank you for breakfast, mother,” he says, voice cold. He can see Zagreus wince. Some small, cruel part of him delights in it. “Please excuse me.”

He walks away, then, and wonders if whatever Zagreus is feeling right now comes even close to echoing the pain he felt a year ago.

Probably not, he thinks, the hollow part of him yawning wider, and presses his nails into his palms again until he stops wondering. At least for a moment, anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: an argument, mention of alcohol, some bad parenting, i don't think anything else but let me know if i've missed something

“Than,” Zagreus begins, following after him.

“Don’t call me that,” Thanatos snaps. “And don’t follow me.”

Zagreus has never been particularly good at following instructions, especially when they involve backing down. “Thanatos. Please.”

“This isn’t something you can solve by saying _please.”_

“Just—”

Thanatos reaches halfway up the stairs to his room and whirls around, clearly surprising Zagreus, who nearly stumbles backwards off the steps. “Just what, Zagreus? Why do you get to come back here and just—think you can—you _left.”_

Zagreus bites his lip.

Thanatos hates that he notices, still.

“I know, Than. I know.”

“You left without saying goodbye first.”

Zagreus winces again. “I tried to text you, after. You blocked my number.”

Thanatos had, indeed, done that in a fit of drunken pique, and had been too stubborn to undo it when he sobered up the next morning. And every morning since. He almost feels bad about it, but it’s not as though he’s gotten any _less_ stubborn recently.

“If you wanted to talk to me, perhaps that’s something you might have considered trying before leaving without a word,” Thanatos hisses instead. His reward is another wince.

It doesn’t feel very rewarding.

He turns his back and continues his ascent, then, and can hear a sound behind him that he knows is the sound of Zagreus frustratedly scratching at his hair. A year hasn’t undone a lifetime’s worth of knowing Zagreus as well as his own self, after all. He knows everything about him. Even why he left. Even why he didn’t say goodbye.

It’s not been enough to lessen the sting yet, though.

“Please. Thanatos. I know—I know I hurt you. I know it’s something I can’t just ask you to forgive me for. But…it’s been a year, and I…I’ve just missed you. Can’t we talk?”

Thanatos pauses at his door, then lays his forehead on it. Fuck. How dare he, really. How dare he, when he has to know how much Thanatos has missed him too.

It’s unfortunate, how weak he is to him.

“Briefly,” Thanatos finally says, frowning down at his hand trembling on the doorknob. “And you leave when I tell you.”

He knows that Zagreus is probably smiling behind him, so he purposely doesn’t turn to look. Zagreus has a beautiful smile, and Thanatos has dreamed of it too many times, and he’s already ceded too much ground.

“Thank you.”

It almost bites worse than an insult to be thanked for having the emotional fortitude of a soggy paper towel. Thanatos sneers privately at himself as he opens the door, gesturing sarcastically through the doorway and walking to his bed to flop down on it and throw his comforter over his face.

There are hesitant footsteps over the threshold. Another dagger into his heart. Their rooms used to be as familiar to one another as their own.  
“Your room looks different,” Zagreus muses, almost on cue.

“If you say it’s messier, I’ll castrate you,” Thanatos mumbles into his palm. It would be an accurate assessment, but not one he wants to hear right now.

“Uh, _oh_ -kay. I was just going to say darker, but go straight to genital wreckage, I guess.”

The joke falls flat between them in the ensuing silence. If one year has done anything for Thanatos, he supposes it’s that he doesn’t think about Zagreus’ genitals just because he says the word.

Well, almost entirely.

“You can open the blinds if you’d like,” Thanatos responds eventually. He’s been keeping them closed because the light hurts his eyes—headaches are among the many symptoms that came alongside the Incident—but it’s less in the area of preference and more concession.

“No, I mean. It’s fine.”

Silence looms once more. Thanatos thinks a moment that he’d have preferred Zagreus not come back if it were just going to throw in such stark relief the truth that things aren’t and can’t be the same between them anymore.

But his dark thinking is interrupted by Zagreus, who says in a rush, “I’ve been thinking since I left about what I’d say to you. Even before then. I—the night I left, um—I stood outside your apartment for a while, and I was going to come in, and I was going to say…”

Thanatos slowly takes the covers off his head and peers at Zagreus, who is uncharacteristically flustered. “Say…what?”

“I mean.” He picks his way over to the end of the bed and sits down, chewing his lip, and shrugs. “I guess I never figured out entirely. I couldn’t make myself go in because I knew it would just…make it harder to leave.”

Thanatos stares at him, a hint of a frown in his eyebrows, and says, “Then maybe you should have just stayed.”

“You know I couldn’t, Than,” Zagreus bursts out, a hand moving in seeming habit to pick up Thanatos’ before faltering in the space between them. “ _He_ —” That means his father, whose name Zagreus has refused to say for some time— “He told me she was _dead._ My own mother! You know how he treated me, I know you know that, but it was just…I couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t stay there and pretend it was fine.”

And of course, Thanatos knows all that. Even though Zagreus had left without saying goodbye, it’s not as though they hadn’t discussed things before he left in a more abstract way. Thanatos’ had been the shoulder Zagreus cried on when he found out his mother was alive and had left when he was an infant, and Thanatos had been the one to tell Zagreus that there was always a place for him with his mother or with him if he couldn’t bear to stay with his father anymore. And Zagreus had said he was losing his patience, that he wanted to go to find her, to go far away from _him_ , and Thanatos had indulged him in speaking of fantasies of living somewhere quiet. So yes, they’d spoken about it.

Thanatos just hadn’t realized how real it was to Zagreus, and more than that, he hadn’t realized that Zagreus would possibly leave him behind.

“You could have asked me for help,” Thanatos says quietly, almost a whisper. He’s not sure if Zagreus will hear him, and he’s not sure if he wants him to hear.

Either way, though, he does feel relief when Zagreus’ hand finally searches around, then slips into Thanatos’ own. Zagreus has always ran warmer and Thanatos colder, but when they touch, it always feels somewhere right in the middle of perfect.

“If I had asked you for help,” Zagreus says, just as quiet, “It would’ve helped me, maybe, but it would’ve been cruel to you. I know you would have helped. You’ve done nothing but help me since the moment we met. But to ask you to help me to leave you?”

His thumb runs along the edge of Thanatos’ fingers. Not anything he’s never done before, but some combination of the year’s worth of immunity lost against him and the earnest, low tone of his voice makes Thanatos shiver.

(That same small part of him that earlier found delight in Zagreus’ pain notes that he is being played exactly how Zagreus wants him. The larger part of him cannot bring itself to care.)

Thanatos closes his eyes and brings the back of his free hand up to rest on his forehead with a soft sigh. “Look, Zag. I’ve played out this conversation so many times in my head. I know how it ends. I understand everything. I understand that you needed to get away from him. I know how difficult it was for you to find out your mother was alive. I know that goodbyes are…hard. I understand it, but…that doesn’t make it any less painful, in the end, not even if you’re here now.”

“I’m not expecting that.” Thanatos feels Zagreus squeeze his hand, but he still can’t open his eyes, not when he could see Zagreus looking at him and crumble all over again. “Really, I promise, I didn’t come here expecting you to just, um…let everything go. I know I fucked up. I promise I know that. It was selfish of me to leave, and worse that I didn’t get over myself and tell you I was leaving. I just…”

There’s a small sniffle, and Thanatos thinks, _ah, fuck,_ because if he’s weak against Zagreus smiling, he’s absolutely nothing against Zagreus crying. He opens his eyes, sighs, and sits up to lean awkwardly against him.

“I missed you so much,” Zagreus continues tremulously, ignorant of Thanatos’ turmoil. Probably. He might be a jackass, but not the kind to weaponize his tears in a situation like this. “Every day, I swear. When I found out you blocked my number and I realized I wouldn’t be able to tell you I got to my first motel safely I nearly turned right back, and—and then I still couldn’t text you and I wrote you a _letter—_ ”

Thanatos openly snorts at the thought of Zagreus sitting down at a table long enough to write a letter in his shitty, shitty handwriting, and Zagreus smiles briefly through his tears.

“Yeah, see? But I sent it to your old address and I guess you moved, and then I sent one here and Ma said you wouldn’t read it—”

This time, Thanatos is the one to wince. That had been pretty soon after Zagreus had left, and he wasn’t exactly in the best or most gracious mood. Him and his mother had had somewhat of a heated discussion around it, at the time.

“And I hadn’t…Than, I honestly had never considered…that if I left we wouldn’t be able to talk again at _all._ Truly I hadn’t thought of it. I knew you would be mad, but I still thought we would always be together.”

Thanatos presses his lips together and looks up at the ceiling.

He stands by what he said earlier, about gods enjoying his pain.

“I can’t say I forgive you, just yet,” he says after a long moment of silence. “But…I did miss you too.”

It’s an understatement in the same way a drip is a downpour, but he’s always had to speak to Zagreus like this. He lacks words for the depth of his feelings, and the bravery to deliver them. If Zagreus minds, he’s never shown it. He just smiles at his lap, and bumps into Thanatos’ shoulder, and doesn’t let go of his hand.

Thanatos searches the ceiling for calm, but his brows furrow as he realizes something. “You didn’t come here expecting me to let everything go.”

“No, of course not.”

“So why did you come here?”

He feels the exact instant Zagreus freezes. That’s never bade well in the past, and he doubts it does now. “Zagreus, why are you back?” he asks, a horror dawning slow upon him at the same time he sees his mother loitering outside his bedroom, avoiding eye contact.

“Fuck! Sorry, Ma, but—he didn’t _know?”_

“If he knew, he would have said no,” his mother says delicately.

“If I knew _what?”_

Zagreus buries his head in both hands, finally tearing away his hand from Thanatos’. “You’re going to kill me. I swear I thought—”

“Before I kill you I’d like a motive,” Thanatos says dangerously, glaring at him.

“I asked him here,” his mother interrupts. “You two are going to live together at his place for a while.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was nice because i didn't have to deal with the fuckin past tense, which i hate and am not at all used to, and not nice because i kept mixing up zagreus and thanatos' names and also giving them infinite numbers of hands. one to have! one to hold! one to clap ya on the back! one on the face one on
> 
> look humans can have  
> more hands if they really want  
> do not @ me pls
> 
> \--a haiku by brin, oct 2020
> 
> i am also running out of brain at this point in the evening and the conjugation of 'bode' is beyond me. if ive gotten it wrong then that's up to the gods now, and does not matter :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: brief therapy mention, mention of self-harm via fingernails into palm, negativity, negative self thinking, mention of persephone leaving zagreus, low self esteem

It takes a moment for Thanatos to understand what she said, and even then his mind still doesn’t quite process it. “What? No we’re not.”

“Yes,” she says, calm, or at least pretending to be.

Thanatos blinks, looking down at his lap, then up again. “Pardon me, but what the fuck?”

“Language—”

“I’m thirty-three, and even if I weren’t, right now I believe I’m entitled to some language and an answer. So once again, what the fuck?”

His mother’s mouth sets, then she walks in, pulls out the chair from Thanatos’ desk, and sits down on it. She fixes him with a gaze so stern Thanatos almost regrets swearing, thirty-three or no. “You want the answer?”

She asks as though he’ll regret asking. Perhaps he will. But then, there’s no way he’s going on some impromptu camping trip with his estranged best friend just because she says so, even if she is a bit scary at times.

“I mean, yes.”

Zagreus is still holding his head in his hands between them, shaking his head at intervals and muttering to himself. Thanatos ignores the urge to comfort him and stares at his mother.

“The answer is that I love you dearly, but you are not okay.”

He almost opens his mouth to protest that he’s fine, but even belligerent he knows that is a lie. Instead he frowns and presses his fingers into his palms.

“Like this, see? You think I don’t notice?” She points at his hands, and he slowly moves them under his legs so he’s sitting on them. “Ever since you were fired—no, before.”

He wishes he didn’t know the before she means, and wishes she weren’t right. The before in question, who is sitting next to him, peeks out from his hands and looks curiously at him.

“You ran yourself into the ground until it destroyed you. Your health still isn’t good, you refuse to see a therapist, and you stay in bed most the day. You are not okay.”

She is, of course, correct on all fronts, but it is unpleasant to hear it, especially with Zagreus here listening. “I’m aware,” he eventually concedes. “But what does Zagreus have to do with any of that?”

He’s immediately aware it’s a stupid question, and the look she gives him affirms it.

“Some rest will do you good,” she says softly. “True rest, away from this. With a friend. I can only do so much for you, my son.”

He slumps, like the strings making him pretend at functioning were cut all at once. “Mother, you do everything for me,” he murmurs, even though he knows the conversation is already done.

“Not everything,” she says with a glance at Zagreus, eyes both understanding and tinged with a hint of pain.

Thanatos sighs, and pulls his hands out, examining them with a critical eye. Half-moon shapes litter them from particularly bad evenings, from before his mother had started checking that he was cutting his nails regularly. Pathetic. He knows Zagreus is looking at his hands too, and he places them on his thighs, palms down. No need for him to see how far he’s fallen.

“You consented to this?” he asks Zagreus.

“I did think you knew,” Zagreus says miserably. “But, I mean—she said you needed help, so…right away I said yes. Of course I said yes.”

“It’s a stupid idea.”

He might be imagining things. Hoping for things. But he thinks Zagreus’ shoulders fall a bit, when he says that.

“Yes, probably.”

“But I’ll go.”

This time he knows that Zagreus’ face lights up, and maybe some part of Thanatos lights up too, knowing that Zagreus has wanted him close as much as Thanatos has.

(Well. Not…as much. Not in the same way. But that’s fine. It’s always needed to be fine, and Thanatos has become very good at convincing himself it is.)

“Oh! Okay! Good. This would have been rather awkward, otherwise.”

It already is awkward, but Thanatos is polite and doesn’t bring it up.

“Where are you living anyway?”

Zagreus unfolds and directs a beaming grin at Thanatos, which is awfully _im_ polite of him given it makes Thanatos feel things. “It’s this great house just outside of a tiny town called Enna. It’s not exactly in the mountains, but it’s pretty high up, so the edge of the property overlooks this sheer drop off, and there are all of these flowers everywhere, and if you go out a bit there’s this beautiful lake—”

Thanatos watches him talk and his heart pangs. He looks so happy, talking about this place. His new home. His new home, that he’s built entirely without Thanatos, and entirely without Thanatos’ help.

 _Useless,_ reminds the hollow place in him, and he clenches his fist over his chest.

It’s not as if he didn’t know that, already.

“How did you find this place?” Thanatos asks at some point when Zagreus has stopped talking and is looking at him expectantly. The part where he should have been listening, and being happy for his best friend, if he weren’t such an asshole.

He feels even more like an asshole when Zagreus’ smile goes tight and then drops entirely. “My…mother. Left it to me.”

Thanatos inhales sharply. He might be an asshole, but that was Zagreus’ _dream._ He’d spoken about finding his mother with more motivation than Thanatos had heard from him since they were children. “You found her?”

Zagreus chuckles, but it sounds hollow, resonating with its fellow in Thanatos’ chest. “Ah…yes.”

Thanatos is briefly distracted by the clicking sound of his door shutting, the footsteps of his mother walking away, but then he returns his full attention to Zagreus. “…And?”

“She…accepted that I was her son. Was even overjoyed about it. She…you know that illness I had soon after I was born? They told her it would kill me. She left before she could find out that I made it through anyway.” Zagreus swallows. “Uh, but…she was…running from her parents, it seems. Strict family, wouldn’t approve of her getting married so young. And when she found out that I had gotten out of…his house…with a loan from them…”

Thanatos’ mouth opens quietly for a moment before he can form the words, seeing the outcome without Zagreus’ having to say it. “Oh, no.”

“She left. Well, she told me to leave first, but I told her I didn’t…have a place to go…and…”

“Zag, I’m so sorry,” Thanatos whispers, and it’s almost like muscle memory to sweep Zagreus up in a tight hug, despite everything that’s happened. Thanatos wouldn’t normally initiate, but Zagreus relies on touch, and he’s considerate enough that he wouldn’t try to hug Thanatos when things are still so tentative between them.

Zagreus melts into his arms, head nestling into the place between Thanatos’ head and neck as though it’s finding the place it belongs.

He’s still not crying. Maybe he cried out all of his tears long ago, alone in a house that is not his, containing the ghost of someone who should have loved him. Thanatos holds him even closer, thinking of it.

They both know he’s a stubborn bastard, but he really should have unblocked Zagreus’ number. Fuck. He’s a terrible friend.

“I should have talked to you,” he says quietly, running a tentative hand down Zagreus’ back. “You were alone out there. I should never have let you be alone.”

“My fault,” Zagreus mumbles. His lips press against Thanatos’ clavicle as he does, and Thanatos tries to contain the shudder this time.

He might be successful. He’s too distracted to tell for sure.

“Maybe we can settle on we’re both jackasses.”

Zagreus snorts and adjusts himself until he’s draped almost on Thanatos’ lap, like he needs to be even closer, like he can’t stand any amount of distance between them.

Thanatos digs his fingers into his palm until the pain keeps him from fantasizing about what that could mean. Zagreus is touch-starved, most likely, he reminds himself, as clinically as he can manage. Zagreus just hugs like this.

Zagreus doesn’t love you.

He digs even harder. Fuck. That word was never supposed to be introduced into the discussion, even if it’s true. Damn it. Fucking damn it.

Thanatos coughs and extracts himself, leaving Zagreus looking a bit lost, and smaller than he should ever look. “She…” He coughs again, eyes drifting to the side. “She shouldn’t have done that. To you.”

Zagreus still looks a bit like he’s been stranded out in the middle of nowhere, but maybe Thanatos’ peripheral vision is poor. Zagreus clears his throat. “Well. Got a house out of the deal, is the end of it.”

“It doesn’t have to be the end of it,” Thanatos says immediately, feeling Zagreus somehow slipping further away again.

“It’s the end of it right now,” Zagreus says, kind but firm, and Thanatos falters before nodding jerkily and lying back down on his bed.

This he knows he’s imagining, but in his periphery now, he sees Zagreus walking away.

“Your mom said, um…” They’re both floundering now, and Thanatos isn’t sure if neither of them know how to fix it or if he just isn’t courageous enough, good enough, to do it. “That you get tired more easily, these days. Would you like some rest? We can pack later. I mean. I can help you, if you would like.”

It’s a dismissal and an olive branch in one, and Thanatos is quiet for a moment, considering. Mostly considering how he’s already fucked this up again, as he does most everything. How he’s reunited with his best friend and pushed him away in one fell swoop. Good job, Thanatos. Good job, you irredeemable idiot.

He realizes how long he’s been silent, and how Zagreus is starting to shift the weight in his feet in his characteristic show of nervousness, and curses himself mentally. “No. Sure. Of course.”

If it sounds as dead to Zagreus as it does to him, which it likely does, he thinks it likely neither of them are satisfied with the answer.

“Okay.” His smile is plastic, and Thanatos curses himself again. “I’ll see you later, then. Rest well.”

Thanatos is very ready, at that point, for at least forty minutes’ worth of vocally hating himself, but Zagreus lingers at the door a moment longer. “Uh…Than?”

“Yes?”

He looks like he’s considering whether to say anything, but finally he says, “Glad to be back.”

Thanatos looks at him, at his sheepish half-smile, and responds with the whole-hearted truth. “And I’m glad you’re back.”

His smile turns more genuine an instant, before he nods and leaves, closing the door behind him.

“Idiot,” Thanatos murmurs to himself, or maybe at least to the fluttering in his chest. “You’re an idiot.”

He might be. But at least now, when he closes his eyes, he’s able to rest for real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enna is a place in sicily that is sometimes assigned by local tradition as the place where persephone was carried off by hades. i know, nyuk nyuk. the lake specifically is where it was supposed to have happened, and i have taken some basic local geography from there as well, but i wont be goin too much further than that i think. SPOILER WARNING the house is persephone's from the surface, and i've messed around with things a bit so that it's sort of like that point in talking to her on the surface where she's like 'no leave and dont come back you cant come here they'll find me' ig? sorry persephone, i know you love the kid but i have warped you into what is most convenient for me. thats bein an author babey!!!
> 
> frankly neither zag nor than are doin well at this point in time. emotionally incompetent boys the both of them. it may seem nonetheless like i am rushing things a bit on the, uhhh, like forgiveness stage, or on the 'why would than agree so quickly to go on this camping trip' stage, and if it seems like that it is because i absolutely am! i will remind y'all this was supposed to be a fuckin oneshot! which was naive of me, but i would nonetheless prefer this not to be a monster. i am merely speaking from experiences here my friends. so many experiences. ///I Cannot Write Short Shit Ever
> 
> (also thank u all so much so far for reading and commenting, im so grateful youve taken the time! if at some point i stop responding i apologize, i have both shitty hands and a shitty brain, but i always read every comment and i really appreciate them)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: brief mention of potential past car accident, mention of Thanatos' light self harm mechanism aka fingernails into palms, negativity, low self esteem

Packing his belongings would be mostly silent if it weren’t for Zagreus making a valiant effort at conversation, telling some story about a pedestrian he’d nearly ran over on the way here. He’s always been a good storyteller, and if Thanatos were fully paying attention, he’d be chuckling, maybe, or commenting on how Zagreus’ terrible driving hadn’t improved in their year apart. He’d be doing anything, really, than what he is doing, which is humming at more or less the appropriate areas and making it very clear he’s distracted.

He doesn’t think either of them are satisfied by the interaction. Eventually Zagreus stops talking, too. Thanatos isn’t certain whether it’s out of respect for his own silence or whether he’s feeling hurt, and he’s not sure he’d like to think about it.

“Look,” Zagreus finally says. “It’s, like, a six hour drive out there.”

(Meaning he had left early in the morning to get here to surprise Thanatos, who had welcomed him with nothing but hostility. Thanatos’ fingers start to curl towards his palms.)

“Can we just…call a truce? Or something like that? Because six hours of silence is going to murder me.”

It would be nice if Thanatos weren’t the person he was, because the person he is is a pedantic ass, and that pedantic ass asks, “How did you manage the drive over here, then?”

“Podcasts. You’re avoiding the point.”

Thanatos would like to say there’s no need for a truce. He would like to say that it’s so hard to be angry at Zagreus, and so easy to be angry at himself. He would like to say that he hates himself for hurting Zagreus, and that everything he does seems to make it worse, and he can’t get out of his own head thinking about it.

But Thanatos is not known, particularly, for his aptitude at speaking about his emotions honestly, so he just nods, and says, “So it sounds like you’re still a shitty driver.”

“Hey, you failed your driving test more times than I did,” Zagreus responds instantly. He looks grateful. God, what a terrible friend he is, to make him grateful for insulting his driving. “You kept deducting yourself points for minor technicalities and telling the people at DMV they—”

“Had to fail me unless they wanted to violate the spirit of their institution, yes,” Thanatos says dryly. “I was there.” Plus, Zagreus pokes fun at him about this every chance he gets.

“Pretty sure they passed you eventually out of irritation.”

“I’m pretty sure they passed me because my performance was close to flawless,” Thanatos says primly. “As opposed to someone else I know.”

“No idea who you’re talking about,” Zagreus says, imitating Thanatos’ tone of voice. “I am _definitely_ flawless.”

Which he is, Thanatos thinks, at least in all the ways that matter to him.

(Driving just happens to not be one of them. His driving is objectively shitty.)

“Sure, Mr. Flawless. I should probably drive, you know. For our safety.” He throws a folded shirt at Zagreus’ face, but unfortunately Zagreus’ reflexes are much better than his driving, and he catches it easily.

“If you drive it’ll take six _days!”_ Zagreus whines and tosses the shirt haphazardly into Thanatos’ luggage, which is another unfortunate thing about having given the shirt to him. Thanatos straightens it and looks at him pointedly.

“Six days in exchange for arriving alive.”

“I’m still alive, aren’t I?”

“But that pedestrian from earlier nearly wasn’t.”

Zagreus pauses, scrunching up his nose adorably. Thanatos longs to kiss it. He shoves that longing down along with all the shirts in his luggage. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you that story. Thought you weren’t listening.”

“I’m always listening.” At least when it comes to him. Even when he’s distracted, every cell in his body is tuned to Zagreus like a radio with only one station, like a flower with no option but to turn towards the sun.

…Even when the sun is talking about potential vehicular manslaughter.

Zagreus groans exaggeratedly. “Fine. Halfsies. Three hours each.”

“If you are to be believed, three days and three hours, actually,” Thanatos says, looking towards him with a smirk.

Zagreus immediately drops his gaze, biting his lip and poking at Thanatos’ neat stack of shirts. “Yeah,” he mumbles. “Exactly.”

“Stop that,” Thanatos chides, taking hold of his finger and immediately regretting it as Zagreus’ eyes slide to his. His eyes are beautiful, he’s always thought—one a vibrant green and the other a deep brown so rich that it almost looks red when the sun catches it.

He’s not entirely sure how long they look at each other. ‘Too long’, might be the correct answer, even if Zagreus looks lovely with a small smile on his face and a hint of red on his cheeks. Probably from the heated conversation, or the…exertion…or…something.

“You look awful,” Zagreus says, eventually, and Thanatos snorts.

“Thanks, you dick.”

“What even happened? Ma told me some of it, but…”

Thanatos stiffens and looks down at the luggage. “Can I say that’s the end of it right now?”

“Sure,” Zagreus says softly. “Of course. But, uh. Just know I’m…here, now, okay? And always.”

Thanatos used to be such a good actor. Zagreus could say anything, do anything, and he would be able to pretend it didn’t affect him.

But a year without practice, or maybe a bad night’s sleep, or maybe just nothing at all, means that Zagreus says ‘always’, and his face falls. Just for a moment. But long enough that Zagreus looks like he’s about to cry again, before looking to the side.

“I guess if we keep fucking around you’ll never get packed, huh,” he says, and it’s funny. He’s in the same room, right next to Thanatos, but he still somehow manages to sound like he’s miles away.

“Maybe,” Thanatos says. “But we’re almost done.”

They’re both silent then, and Thanatos wonders, packing toiletries into his suitcase, if he’ll only ever be able to hurt Zagreus.

Thanatos’ mother insists they at least stay for lunch, so Zagreus goes downstairs to talk with her while Thanatos rests again. Then Zagreus thinks it might be fun to see if they can get the whole family together while he’s here, so he calls Thanatos’ siblings, but Thanatos already knows they won’t be able to come. They all have jobs, after all.

He’s not able to keep his face from twisting here, either.

He goes to the kitchen and sits down on the stool overlooking the room, head down on the island.

“Tell me what you’re feeling,” his mother says in her usual calm voice.

 _Useless._ _Not good enough._ “It’s a lot to take in.”

“Should I have told you he was coming?”

“Well…probably. But you’re right, I would have said no.”

She comes closer, resting a hand on his head. “He never meant to hurt you.”

“Of course I know that,” he murmurs. “He still did.”

“I know.” She smooths her hand through his hair, and says even quieter, “Then how about something you don’t seem to know. My son, it’s okay to be in love.”

He freezes. It’s not exactly a surprise that she knows—his mother seems to know everything—but hearing it out loud, with the _word—_

“Mother—”

“You don’t have to say anything.” She pats his head. “Just think about it.”

He would really, really prefer not to. But this is his mother, so he makes a movement that could be a nod, or maybe just a muscle spasm, and she pats him once more before going back to the stove.

Things always seem to be closest to your mind when you’d rather they not be. Love, he thinks, as Zagreus walks back into the room, disappointed that the rest of the siblings can’t make it away for lunch on such short notice. Love, he thinks, as Zagreus insists on taking his luggage out to his car.

Love, for the six (and, yes, a half) hours it takes out to Zagreus’ new home.

He still keeps up their banter as best he can. He doesn’t want to see that expression on Zagreus’ face again. But at the back of his mind, the place where he’s relegated all thoughts of Zagreus in the first place, he wonders for perhaps the first time—is it really so terrible if I say the word? It’s not as though it changes anything. It’s not as though it makes him feel any differently, or makes me feel any less.

Would it really be so terrible if I acknowledged, properly, fully, that I’m—in love—with Zagreus?

And as soon as he thinks it, it’s like something settling into place. A weight lifted, if only slightly. Something obvious finally in the open.

Of course he’s in love with Zagreus.

Of course he is.

He could never have been anything but.

It’s a bit refreshing, honestly, to not have to shove the thoughts away as soon as they come, and that for years and years. He’s been hoping, somewhere in there, that if he doesn’t think it then it will go away, but obviously it hasn’t.

He’s just in love with Zagreus, is all.

“That’s the house, coming up over there,” points out Zagreus, back in the real world, and Thanatos smiles gently at him.

“You were right. It’s beautiful.”

(Zagreus interrupts his feeling of serenity by staring at him and not at the road and then driving, slow-motion, into a tall bush.

But, well, he loves Zagreus, not his absolutely, unequivocally, shitty, shitty driving.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i spend like 3/4 of the chapter doing banter and then rush thanatos finally accepting he loves zagreus, which is a huge emotional step forward for him? yes indeed i did exactly that! thats being an author babeyyyyyy (jkjk that, uh, is me loving banter and getting really caught up in doing it like 100% of the time and then being 'oh my god this chapter canNOT be entirely banter, i refuse for them to not even be in the fucking car by the end of this chapter, please god this was supposed to be a oneshot i need to move forward' and, mmm, thats...being an.........authorrrrrr.....babeyyyy.....or some-fuckin-thing)
> 
> as usual these boys would solve everything if they just had one solid fuckin conversation. alas. they are instead, both idiots.
> 
> AS A SIDE NOTE i am aware that in the game zag calls nyx, uh, nyx? however i have convoluted backstories for how thanatos and zagreus came to be named as such in the Modren Era [im your biggest brother justin mcelroy] and one of them is that nyx is a nickname for nicole and i didn't want to have to, or know how to, explain all of the shit. the fact is these are weird fuckin names to have! like they arent even popular gods and who the fuck is around here like 'i want to name my infant child who i want all the best for after the greek god of death :) ' and so i had to do some mental gymnastics and--you dont need to know all this but im just sayin theres a reason im having him call her ma, and not naming any of thanatos' siblings to boot, or for that matter zagreus' father, and The Reason Is: I'm Lazy.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: indirect mention of persephone leaving zagreus, heights, somewhat explicit depressive thinking--there's a big italicized part near the end, if you'd like to skip the negativity you can do so by just picking up back where the italics end. there's an indirect mention of passive suicidal ideation so

Thanatos wasn’t solely commenting on Zagreus: the house is beautiful as well, in a homey kind of way. It’s a bit old, sure, with a moss-covered roof and ivy winding down the sides, and a bit more rustic than Thanatos is used to—as in, there appears to be a vegetable garden, since when did Zagreus have any interest in vegetables—but…he can see the appeal. It’s pretty. It looks lived-in. There’s an opossum peering at them irritably from under the porch.

“I see you’ve replaced my company with that of the gentleman’s over there,” Thanatos comments mildly.

“What? Oh—come on, Blossom.” To him, he adds, “She’s a lady, thanks. With four kids.”

“An unforgiveable mistake. Did you really name her Blossom the opossum?”

“So judgmental. Blossom, you’re not supposed to be under there. I made you a little house and everything.”

“He made her a little house and everything,” Thanatos echoes, amused. He really must be far gone, if his love only feels deeper because Zagreus is being affectionate towards a large rodent.

“If you keep it up I’ll give her your bed and you get the little house.”

“Try it. I’ll sneak into your bed in the middle of the night.” He walks towards the backseat where they’ve placed his luggage so that there’s no way Zagreus can see the heat in his cheeks at the thought of it.

“I won’t stand for this mutiny in my own home,” Zagreus says. His voice sounds a bit odd, and Thanatos glances at him before going back to the suitcase.

“Of course not, you’d be lying down,” he quips distractedly.

Zagreus chokes.

Thanatos looks back up again hurriedly. “Are you okay?”

“Peachy,” Zagreus says, strangled. “Want help with that?”

“You took it out to the car, I can manage to take it out.”

“Ma said—”

Thanatos clenches his teeth, good mood evaporating like steam coming out the spout of a teakettle. “I can do it,” he grits out. “Thank you.”

Zagreus holds his hands up defensively. “Okay. Just asking.”

He knows he is. Just asking, that is—in good faith, just wanting to help.

It’s just he’s had _so_ many people ‘just ask’ since the Incident, and everything just kind of…comes together. Reminds him what he doesn’t have anymore. What he can’t do. That other people _can._

It might be generosity, but it feels close enough to pity that he can’t stand it.

“Yeah,” he ekes out. “Thanks.”

Zagreus is silent, falling behind him for a while, before jogging ahead. “Almost forgot this was my house a moment. I even have the keys.”

He’s doing as he does again, joking to lighten the tension Thanatos keeps creating, and Thanatos manages a smile for the effort. “Not like I was about to accuse you of stealing it, Zag.”

“I could see it in your eyes, don’t lie.”

“You caught me. House belongs to Blossom?”

Zagreus chuckles. “She probably thinks so.”

Thanatos had thought it might be a delicate subject, given the house seems to actually be his mom’s—he’s not sure how the ownership rights work out here, actually—but he’s smiling just the same.

Zagreus runs a bit further to unlock the front door. “Right, okay. So—you might look in here and say, Zagreus, this doesn’t look like you at all. And, well, that’s because I didn’t…decorate it.” He chews on his lip. “So, um, do be careful, in that regard. But past that, my house is yours, and so forth. Make yourself comfortable.”

Thanatos can immediately see what he means. The house has a heavy emphasis on green, with plants everywhere, and the decorations that do exist apart from the greenery are rather Bohemian. Zagreus doesn’t have a clear style, really, apart from ‘just throw it anywhere’, and a few signed posters he treats like his own children. But it wouldn’t look like this, in any event.

Thanatos doesn’t mention it. He says, “It’s nice. Cleaner than expected.”

Zagreus looks proud. “I cleaned up for you.”

Thanatos raises an eyebrow slightly and says, “My God. You might as well have confessed your undying love.”

Zagreus chokes again. Thanatos frowns. “Are you sure you’re all right?”

“Aces. Promise.” Zagreus gives a shaky smile that looks anything but, and a very awkward thumbs up. “Uh. Um. I’ll…show you your room?”

They get his luggage settled quickly. His room is a bit small but decorated with the same care as the rest of the house, and a number of plants to boot. Zagreus reassures him that he’ll water them. He gives a brief tour of the other rooms, but by the end of the tour he’s obviously antsy, full of the energy that would normally mean he’s about to go out for a run.

“What’s got you so riled up?” Thanatos inquires.

“I just haven’t shown you the back of the house yet.” He’s bouncing on the balls of his feet now, grinning. “Come on. You’ll love this.”

He drags Thanatos out to the back porch, then a bit further, to a piece of crumbled wall. He steps over the broken part of the wall, then scoots forward until his legs are hanging over the side. He pats next to him, looking up expectantly.

Thanatos dithers a few moments. It doesn’t exactly look safe. And Zagreus had mentioned a drop off, so this is probably…that. And he’s not the biggest fan of heights.

But on the other hand, it’s Zagreus.

He carefully picks his way over the rubble and down to sit with Zagreus. His first instinct is to look down, and his breath catches in a fit of terror, seeing a steep slope filled with trees below them.

Zagreus catches hold of his arm, then slides down to take his hand. “Look out, not down,” he murmurs into Thanatos’ ear.

Thanatos looks out.

It feels like the entire world is beneath them at this moment, spread out under their heels for the viewing. He wonders in a brief daze if this is what the gods upon Olympus might have felt like—weightless and a bit dizzy and floating, anchored to the ground only by someone’s hand.

“It’s gorgeous, isn’t it?” Zagreus says adoringly. “I come out here every sunset.”

Far ahead, over the edge between sky and earth, the sun is dyeing the sky brilliant orange and red. As Thanatos watches, the sun goes quickly, and the sky turns purple, and then a beautiful dark blue dotted with stars. Far more than he can see at home, though he pored through star charts enough as a child to recognize them: heroes and gods, blazing plasma come together out of nothing and given stories to hold by people who longed to find meaning somewhere.

If only he could make a constellation out of his nothing, he thinks, then shakes his head.

It’s only then he realizes he hasn’t spoken for around ten minutes, just gazing speechless out at the sky. Zagreus squeezes his hand.

“I was about the same when I saw my first sunset out there,” he says. “It’s amazing, right? Knowing that…all those years, this was here. There’s so much out there we never got to see.”

Thanatos is watching Zagreus, now, the reflection of stars in his eyes, his serene smile. Calm, like he’s found meaning somewhere in the constellations too.

Thanatos’ free hand starts to curl into a fist. Is it everyone? Everyone other than him? _Everyone_ that seems to know what the fucking _point_ is?

_He says Incident like it was a point on a line, a day on a calendar, but if he looks back and tries to be honest with himself, there wasn’t a beginning, and there certainly has not been an end._

_There was not a point when he woke up and thought: why do I keep going? There was not a point when he thought for the first time, what if I did not?_

_There was not a specific point where he found himself lost._

_There wasn’t a point at all, is all. And he looked back and thought, I have always thought this. And he looked back and thought, how did I manage to get this far. And he looked back and then looked forward, and he didn’t know how he would manage to make it to the next day._

_It was somewhere amidst all of this that found him curled up next to his desk at work lightheaded and gasping for air. It was somewhere after, in the middle of a long chain of doctors, that they told him stress and a malfunctioning body had deteriorated his ability to stand. It was somewhere after all that he started calling it the Incident, because when he thinks about it, breath gets too hard to reach once more._

_There certainly has not been an end, yet. He wonders if there will be an end._

_Thanatos is the god of death. Maybe the end is that they are the same—_

“Holy shit, Than,” Zagreus says, shaking Thanatos’ shoulder, worried. “Fucking shit, what was that?”

“Huh?” Thanatos asks, dazed.

“You just stopped breathing for a bit there.”

“Oh.” It’s taking a while for thought to rush back into his brain alongside the air in his lungs. “No, I’m fine.”

“Fine people don’t stop breathing!”

“I’ve been up too long, that’s all,” Thanatos says, standing up. “I’m fine. I just need…”

If only he knew what he needed.

“I’m fine,” he repeats, which isn’t true, probably, but it’s by far the easiest of the things he can say right now.

“Fine my ass,” Zagreus grumbles, getting up to support Thanatos as he sways on his feet. “If you were up too long you should have said something.”

“Mm.” His head is still floating, and even if this isn’t true either, he’ll say that’s the reason why he nuzzles into Zagreus’ shoulder. “More fine now you’re back.”

Zagreus stops so suddenly they nearly trip, and he takes a deep breath, looking searchingly at Thanatos.

If he’s looking for something, he doesn’t find it. “Let’s get you lying down, then you can say pretty things to me,” he mumbles. “Fuck. I swear.”

They stumble together through the night and back into the house, where there are no stars and no constellations, just a bunch of plants and a bed that Thanatos tumbles into and on which he almost immediately falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you did skip the italicized section tl;dr is: than is depressed, the 'incident' he keeps referring to involves something with him having breathing trouble at work, doctors told him he had trouble being upright and it was related to stress and body malfunction
> 
> ok so! there are...two things in here that i mentioned more explicitly than i was thinking! first is than's depression. as i said from the get-go, he's not doing well. i wasn't sure how deep i'd get into it mostly because i just have way more to say about depression than i can fit in...as short of a fic as i would like this to be...and hell i already have a shitload of other fics talking about just that same thing. :P 
> 
> second is than's illness. i am not envisioning it as Exactly this and already i have taken many liberties BUT what i have is POTS, google it if youre unfamiliar but the verrrry basics is i cant be upright without shit going down. than is out of work bc, well, it works for the story, and wow is that shitty to say lol, but also bc i am also out of work bc most work involves being upright at some point or other! (also related to why i keep complaining about my hands if you were curious lol, it fucks up my hands--pots not my employment status) anyway i wont get into that much more at all. the depression i will keep mentioning but not more explicitly than i did here, and i'll keep warnin for it in case you werent expecting it.
> 
> p.s. opossums arent rodents, they are marsupials. thanatos is just ignorant and blossom is the true mc of this story. opossums are the best.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: food (sort of? tea and coffee, anyway) mention, overwork/dangerous work practices, illness mention, therapy mention, sex mention/innuendo

When Thanatos wakes up and checks his phone—it’s on low battery, of course—everything feels hazy, draped in the quiet of a late night and the sensation of coming back to the world from somewhere just left of normal, just a little bit off.

It’s past midnight, which means he’s already been sleeping somewhere around five hours. If he were still working, that would have been a full night, the thought comes. He banishes it immediately, trudging to the kitchen in search of a mug and an operational faucet.

Even though the light’s on, which gives him a hint, he’s still a bit surprised to see Zagreus there. “Zag?” he asks quietly, as though it’s even possible that someone looking exactly like him might be there instead.

Zagreus jumps, blinking owlishly at him over his own mug. “Oh. Didn’t expect you to be up.”

Thanatos just shrugs, brows furrowing at the smell coming from Zagreus’ cup. “You don’t even like peppermint tea, I thought.”

Zagreus looks down at it like he forgot it existed. “Oh. I mean…I don’t know.” In a voice barely audible, even in the stillness of the evening, he says, “It reminded me of you.”

He wilts a bit under Thanatos’ stare, but relaxes when Thanatos brushes a hand over his shoulder as he passes into the kitchen. “Mugs?”

“Cabinet to the left of the sink. Tea’s above them.”

Thanatos nods silently. Things seem softer right now, in a way he doesn’t quite know how to quantify. More like how things used to be, when things between them would never need to be fixed because they just _were._

He starts brewing the tea, still completely silent, and sits next to Zagreus. Their shoulders are brushing, and it feels as warm in the points where they touch as it does to hold his mug.

Zagreus breaks the silence, though only at just above a murmur. “You really scared me tonight, Than.”

“Hm?” It takes him a moment to recall what he might be referring to. “Oh. I was…”

“Please don’t say fine again.” Zagreus’ grip tightens around his cup. “I know…I mean, this is clearly hard for you to talk about. But don’t lie about it. Not to me. Please.”

Thanatos hates that he keeps making Zagreus look like this, hunched over and hurt. Zagreus isn’t small for anyone.

Except for him, it appears.

It’s not really an achievement he relishes in.

“How much did Mother tell you?” he finally whispers.

“Doesn’t really matter. I’d prefer to hear it from you.”

Thanatos sighs and takes a sip of his tea, then another. “I fucked up. I lost my job. That’s it.”

“No.”

Thanatos gives him a look. “Thought you wanted to hear it from me.”

“That’s not what you want to say, though.”

“You can read minds?”

Zagreus rests a hand briefly over Thanatos’ wrist. “I know you.”

Thanatos looks up at the ceiling. Fuck. If it weren’t him…

It is him, though. And he loves him.

Fuck, once more.

“They were, ah.” He clears his throat. “I don’t know if you recall Remy from a few desks over.”

“The asshole.”

“Yes, him. They fired him. I was pleased at first. But they…gave me his share of clients…he, ah, had a lot of paperwork he left unfinished routinely. I had to do it.”

He can hear the frown in Zagreus’ voice. “You were already working overtime every day.”

“What could I do? There wasn’t anybody else to do it. I applied for more overtime hours. Tried to optimize my process. I made it work.”

“By sacrificing yourself,” Zagreus mumbles. “Not…criticizing, Than, I know that’s what you do. Keep going.”

It’s an old conversation anyway, so Thanatos lets it pass by. “I got sick, just some virus, and I got better, but…then there was one day…I was lightheaded all day. I kept getting dizzy and nauseous. I was hot and sweaty and then I just couldn’t breathe anymore.” His grip on the mug is so strong he almost worries it might snap in two. “Anyway, that was the last day I went into work. And if I stay up too long, then, well.” He gestures at nothing.

Zagreus exhales. “They know what’s happening?”

“No. I mean, they said anxiety.”

“They know how to fix it?”

Thanatos shrugs.

Technically, they say he needs to go to therapy, but he thinks they’re full of bullshit anyway. If they said he was depressed, then that wouldn’t even be news to him, but he’s never heard of anyone who gets anxious solely about getting up.

Zagreus puts his hand back on Thanatos’ wrist, then rubs his thumb there over the pulse point. “I wasn’t there,” he says.

Him not being there contributed to the stress. Without a reason to bother going home, or taking free time, and with a lot of reason to try to distract himself from thinking, Thanatos threw himself into work. Maybe Zagreus knows that, too. Maybe he knew it even then.

He has questions he wants to ask. Did you know before you left? Did you care? Did you have to spend every second working or sleeping so that you wouldn’t think of me, like I did for you? Did you have seconds after waking up that you thought you’d see me and then had to realize I was gone all over again? Did you cry? Did you lose the point somewhere along the way?

Was it worth it?

But he doesn’t ask any of those questions, because he knows it isn’t fair. At the end of the day, the fact is just that he can’t make Zagreus responsible for his feelings. He might contribute, but the feelings are his own. It’s not fair to make him custodian of them because Thanatos can’t deal with them himself. Him being miserable, or this being worth it, wouldn’t make any of this past year any different.

“No,” Thanatos finally responds. “And I wasn’t here.”

Zagreus frowns, then bumps their shoulders together. “Drink your tea. It’ll get cold.”

“You really have been talking to my mother too much.”

“Please. If you don’t drink it, you’ll just go on a rant in the morning about wasting tea. I’m saving us both time.”

Thanatos snorts and gestures with his mug towards Zagreus’.

“You said it yourself, I don’t even like tea.”

“Mouthy squirt,” Thanatos says amusedly into his cup before drinking half of it in one go.

“Anal old man.” Almost as soon as he says it, the tips of his ears tint. “Like, anal-retentive.”

“What, were you worried I’d think that was a suggestion, Mr. Freud?” Thanatos finishes the rest of his cup.

“No! Freud sucks anyways! But not like that! You’re baiting me,” Zagreus says in a rapid fluster.

“If I were going to bait you, I assure you it wouldn’t involve the mental image of Sigmund Freud and oral sex,” Thanatos says, rolling his eyes. “I’d have preferred to stay far away from that one, actually.”

“Well, you’re welcome then,” Zagreus says, clearing his throat. “Um. Are you tired?”

“Not right now, but I should probably lie down.”

“Let’s hang out in my room a while then. Like a slumber party.”

“Zag, you’ve been up ages by now…”

“Then you can just stay until I fall asleep. Yeah? It’ll help.”

Thanatos eyes him, and thinks— _did you see me and then realize when you woke that it was just a dream?_

_I did._

“Sure. Until you fall asleep.”

They wake up the next morning in the same room, predictably.

Thanatos wakes up first. He always has been the early riser between them, but Zagreus also likely really did need the sleep. He notices dark hair, first, and then the sun shining down on beautiful long eyelashes, and then that Zagreus has taken his shirt off, like he normally does when he’s sleeping—

And then he realizes he’s in bed with Zagreus, and he flails in surprise and falls right out.

Fuck, he thinks as he massages his hip, wincing. He didn’t even get to have some cliché moment where he thought about what it would be like to wake up with Zagreus the rest of their lives, or something.

Probably for the best. He would’ve been in a mood the whole day over what he knows he can’t have.

(And anyway, it’s not as though he’s not thought of that exact thing a number of times before.)

Zagreus, who has woken up to the sound of a thump on the floor and muted cursing, stares wide-eyed down at Thanatos as he tries to think of an appropriate excuse to leave quickly. It is not time to wake up, because he doesn’t have one of those. He’s not sure if Zagreus even has a job, and regardless, it’s a Sunday.

“I need to brush my teeth,” he finally blurts out from his position on the floor, and gets up and stalks out, yelling at himself internally the whole time. His _teeth?_ It’s true, but hardly _urgent._ Good God. Zagreus will tease him the whole morning about it.

Zagreus doesn’t, though. He’s completely absentminded stirring his coffee, and refuses to make eye contact at all. Thanatos isn’t quite sure which is worse.

If this is how the rest of their time together is going to go, then maybe he’d have been better off staying home after all.

(It’s hard for him to fully believe that, though, because Zagreus not making eye contact means that Thanatos can steal more glances at him, and it’s been a whole year that he’s been denied the chance to see how his hair fluffs up in the morning before he tames it, or how he sucks on the coffee spoon after using it to put in two spoons of sugar exact, or how his shirt raises up when he stretches and yawns.

So if a sore hip and some awkwardness is the price of admission, well, he supposes he’s willing to pay.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanatos doesn't notice it but he is TORTURING zagreus always with his unintentional innuendoes. area man is whipped up into a lather of sexual frustration by casually sexy bff (dw we will get into zagreus thoughts uhh later)
> 
> remy is just literally the first name that came to mind, theres no meaning behind it. there is also no chef rat behind it, or in his hair. he's just a regular asshole who has that name. this may sound like the author doth protest too much but genuinely he is just remy, a regular asshole, zero rats. this authors note is probably a mistake
> 
> ((POTS is regularly misdiagnosed as anxiety, which is stupid, so that's whats happening here. he would def like. still benefit from therapy tho. just not for this specific medical condition)) speaking of like, feelings and shit, i had a hard time organizing my feelings around what thanatos should be thinking about zagreus leaving at this point. so if it's kind of incoherent or sending out weird messages i apologize for that? i did my best but in fairness when i wrote that bit i had also just woken up from a nap so ///avoidance: key author strategy #1 ///this is not true i'm a dumbass is all


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: employment mention, food mention, big fight, indirect mention of emotionally abusive living circumstances, crying, negativity, low self esteem

Thanatos and Zagreus find a kind of cautious equilibrium for the next week. They’ve lived together long enough that the rhythm is a mindless sort of thing if they let it be. There are still moments where they grate against one another in unfamiliar ways—stuttering and staring at each other and falling into awkward silences—but Thanatos thinks that most the time, they’re both just trying not to think about it. Anything. About the year between them, about the things they both refuse to talk about.

Even prior to Zagreus leaving, avoidance was a favorite tactic of theirs, after all.

It’s still good. Or something close to good, at least. Thanatos gets to see Zagreus, talk to him. They both get to pretend nothing happened. Thanatos lies down, and Zagreus plays on his computer in comfortable chair in the corner of his room. They eat together; Thanatos cooks when he has the energy. Every sunset, they go out to the dropoff and sit together to watch the sun go down and the stars come out. Some nights they fall asleep together, and some they don’t. Things are fine.

Thanatos still hasn’t asked about Zagreus’ job. If he has one.

At the end of the week, though, it’s creeping in on him, and as much as he doesn’t want to ask, to break this fragile thing between them, he feels like he needs to. As a good friend. If Zagreus does have a job, and he’s taking leave to take care of Thanatos, then…that’s just unacceptable, really.

“So do you work?” he asks while they’re cleaning up lunch, and winces at how brusque he sounds. He meant to subtly bring it up in conversation, but subtle isn’t really his forte.

Zagreus shifts at his place in front of the sink. “Um. Sort of.”

Thanatos pauses, eyes narrowing. “Sort of how?”

“Well, I do odd jobs for people around the town sometimes. Or there are farmers markets and sometimes I’ll bring some of the vegetables that are here? I’ve done a few security guard jobs, but those are mostly boring…”

He’s not making eye contact. Something is wrong.

“That’s all fine. But how are you making enough to live here?”

Zagreus chews on his lip, scrubbing harder at a frying pan.

“Zag.”

“Okay, so the house is still…hers,” he says in a rush. “She’s going to come back. Um. Soon, honestly. So she’s…uh, paying for part of it.”

Thanatos dries a plate while staring him down. “And the rest?”

Zagreus doesn’t answer.

“Zagreus.”

Zagreus snarls. “You know I hate it when you do this!”

“Yes.” He does know, but when Zagreus holds stuff back, it usually means it’s something big, maybe so big he doesn’t want to hurt anybody else with it. Which means he doesn’t want to hurt Thanatos. Which means he’s full of shit, because Thanatos would rather help Zagreus and get hurt than watch him burn to the ground from the sidelines.

“God,” Zagreus shouts, quick, bitten off. “You—ugh. Okay. You know I mentioned how I got out of my house. And…why she left.”

Thanatos dips his head as he recalls, then raises it again in a fluster. “Oh my God. Zagreus, no.”

“Look—”

“A _loan?_ From family members you’ve never even _met?”_

“It’s not exactly a loan! I mean—it’s—” He chews on his lip even harder. “I might not have been completely honest about…why. I was leaving the house.”

“How so,” Thanatos bites out.

“They’re some…insanely rich family, right? With this absolutely gigantic ego. And so when I told them I was related to them, and that I, uh…wanted to come to live with them but needed some help getting out across the country…they just kind of…gave me money? And they still…”

“Fuck,” Thanatos swears, forgetting his hands are wet with dishwater and running his hand over his face and up to push his bangs back. “They don’t know you’ve already left?”

“I mean—I have this P.O. box—”

Thanatos starts pacing in the little space he has. “Zagreus, this is so bad—”

Zagreus sounds almost pleading. “I don’t ask for much! Just a little for bills and living expenses I can’t pay on my own! And it was never going to be forever. I was just…I was just going to find her and then—”

“You _already found her!”_

“But she left again! So I was going to…she’ll be back soon but first I had to make it so that she could come home—”

Thanatos looks at him incredulously. “Come _home?!_ To—your _father?”_

“No, I was going to—” His fingers are trembling on the dish he’s holding. “Look, I can’t talk about it, Thanatos, you just have to understand me on this one—”

“There’s _more?”_

“Well—sort of, but—”

“Fucking—shit! Zagreus, why didn’t you _tell_ me any of this before it got so bad?!”

Zagreus breathes through his nose heavily and then yells, “And how the fuck was I supposed to do that?”

Thanatos takes an instinctive step back, surprised. Zagreus very rarely raises his voice. He hates it, given the circumstances he was raised in.

“You made sure I could never tell you _anything!_ You blocked my number!”

Thanatos sags against the counter, words hitting their mark immediately.

Zagreus sets the wet dish back into the sink, fingers immediately balling into fists. “I may have left, but _you’re_ the one who threw away our friendship.”

Thanatos’ eyes go wide, mouth opening and closing uselessly, and Zagreus almost immediately hunches in on himself. When he continues, his voice is quieter.

“I know I fucked up, but you’re always so mad at me like—you’re not acknowledging that you fucked up too.”

Thanatos’ voice comes out as a croak, and he has to clear his throat to go on. “I—what? Pretty much ever since we got here I’ve… _just_ been mad at myself for fucking up.”

As soon as he says it, he’s almost surprised to note how _much_ the truth it is. It’s another one of the things he’s been avoiding thinking about, but whenever he sees the life Zagreus made here, it just reminds him that it could have been something they shared if he weren’t so stupid.

“Huh?”

“I keep thinking about…how…I just left you alone to deal with everything and…I never even bothered to think of how much you were hurting and I understood but I…and I should have just…”

Aw, fuck. He’s crying, isn’t he. His hands fly up to cover his face. “And I can barely even look at you sometimes because…and you keep being nice anyway and, but…”

Thanatos hates crying. He doesn’t do it often, either, because unlike the evidence of the past week, his composure is usually fairly good. With everybody and concerning everyone other than Zagreus, that is.

Part of the reason he hates crying is because he’s a terrible, ugly crier, the sort who leaks snot everywhere and goes all puffy in the eyes and can barely speak once they get going. He’s actually _trying_ to say something important here, so it’s unfortunate that by this point he’s just bawling behind his hands.

“Oh, Than,” Zagreus says softly.

“No!” Thanatos snaps. As best as he can, he ekes out, “Don’t you—don’t you dare try to comfort me about this. I’m just manipulating you into comforting me even though you’re the one who needs comfort and—and then I’m just excusing myself of my malfeasance by saying I’m a bad guy instead of making amends—”

“Than. Thanatos. I can comfort my best friend if and whenever I want. We can talk about your, uh, malfeasance later.”

“We had better,” Thanatos mumbles, and lets himself be hugged.

“I don’t mind if this shirt gets snot on it,” Zagreus murmurs. “Just relax.”

He tries.

Zagreus is always so warm. Hugging him is like sleeping in sheets that are freshly out of the dryer, except all around him and firm and stroking his back. It always makes him think, in a bit of a giddy way, that if he were just to hug Zagreus the rest of his life, nothing bad could ever again happen to him.

“Do you need to lie down?” Zagreus asks, breaking him from his reverie, where he’s gone limp in Zagreus’ arms.

“The dishes…”

“They can wait.”

“I guess it might be better for that last one to soak anyway,” Thanatos mumbles. He doesn’t even know what the last one is, but Zagreus is probably right that lying down would be better, if they’re to have a long conversation. He’s not even sure when he got so light-headed, but thinking about it analytically, getting worked up does down him sooner.

Zagreus tries to extricate himself so they can both walk freely, but all of a sudden, Thanatos just really doesn’t want to let go. Not because then Zagreus will see how red and gross Thanatos’ face is, or because he’s afraid he’ll leave. Not really anything like that.

He thinks he just wants to keep holding him, is all.

And Zagreus huffs about it, but in the end, he shuffles both of them down the hallway to Thanatos’ room, still embracing, and Thanatos’ mind is floating so much that he can almost pretend it’s because Zagreus didn’t want to let go either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HMMM this one is a bit awkward all round really but i wanted to get everything out of the way (well almost everything there...are more things) (anyway sorry for the angst rollercoaster lol) i actually started their conversation buuuut it was gonna make this chapter really long so i added an end here and we'll start back up with that start of next chapter u_u
> 
> than saying 'ive been angry at myself' is, ill admit it, a bit of a copout! fact is this argument was...i mean i never had a firm timeline for this anyway, just events i had been thinking of, but i had thought this Event would happen later once i had given myself a chance to like. get to it. but then i realized i didnt actually have any good ideas for something to go before it so i just did it now XD;;;; 
> 
> i'm trying to echo the canon story here but boy is it hard! the blessings are the loan but i'm still...thinking about some other things...like clearly zag can't have just fuckin murdered a whole bunch of ghosts to get out of his house so i have another idea in mind but it does get a bit, uhh, stretchy. really stretchy. it's fine
> 
> ADDITIONAL NOTE i feel as tho i'm likely repeating story beats at this point. if i am. kindly just forget this. because i clearly already have LOL


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: reference to possible emotional manipulation?, discussion of anger and past misdeeds, light self-harming behavior (fingernails and palms again), financial worries and discussion, talk of persephone leaving zagreus, deception, hopelessness/bad situations, negativity, low self esteem

As soon as he lies down, he throws his arm over his eyes so as not to be seen. Zagreus huffs, says something that sounds like “silly,” but it sounds affectionate rather than teasing. Only once Thanatos feels more in control of himself does he start speaking.

“Please be mad at me now.”

“I think I’ve had enough of being mad for the moment,” Zagreus says, calm. “Don’t you think?”

Thanatos sighs. “But if you want to—”

“No. I think maybe the rest of this conversation we should just try to talk to one another.”

Thanatos purses his lips. He still feels a bit like he robbed Zagreus of his chance to be rightfully angry by crying, but he can’t make Zagreus mad if he doesn’t want to be, either. And a calm conversation does sound…good. Better.

“So I’m just going to lay out a couple of things and you respond to them, okay? But let me talk first.”

Thanatos nods behind his arm.

“So…it’s been awkward. I’m not the only one who thinks that?”

Thanatos shakes his head.

“Right. I’ve been thinking that was because you were still really unhappy with me. You wouldn’t look me in the eye, and you freaked out the first time you woke up in my room. And you didn’t let me apologize for not being there with you when you were having a hard time. But…you weren’t? Angry?”

Thanatos considers, then says, voice a little raspy, “I mean, I think I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t still some hurt there, but that’s the sort of thing that’s just left for me to deal with on my own. I’m angrier at myself than I am at you.”

And also he’s in love with Zagreus. But Zagreus doesn’t need to know that. It’s both, anyway.

“I suppose I could probably say much the same, on my end.” He’s quiet a moment. “You know, you still haven’t unblocked my number.”

Thanatos gapes, finally peeking out from behind his arm. “Really?” He fumbles around for his phone in his pocket and checks. “I’m so sorry. I haven’t been using my phone, really…I just didn’t think…”

“I know. I mean, I know now. I had been wondering.”

Thanatos unblocks the number and shows Zagreus, then takes his phone back and fiddles with it a while. “I’m sorry. I mean—just for all of it. I don’t remember if I ever properly apologized. I know that me just…sitting here feeling shitty about it…that’s not really for you. So. I’m sorry. I should never have blocked your number in the first place, and even if I did, I should have undone it as soon as I woke up. You’re…one of the most important people to me, in my life, and…it was stupid of me to cut you off just because I was hurt.”

Zagreus looks down at his own phone in his hands and types something, then erases it. “It was stupid. It was stupid of me not to say goodbye, too, though.” Quietly, he adds, “You know, every night I would apologize? The messages didn’t send, but…I always hoped they would.”

Fuck. Fuck, he’s the worst. Thanatos closes his eyes tightly, and his fingernails start to dig into his palms.

Zagreus notices, though, and quickly takes hold of Thanatos’ right hand. Thanatos’ eyes fly open, staring in awe at where their hands connect.

“None of that,” Zagreus chides. He opens up Thanatos’ fingers and looks closely at his palm, tracing along the half-moon shapes there and up to Thanatos’ fingertips. Thanatos shivers at the light touch, still gazing at Zagreus. He’s glad Zagreus is looking at his hands right now, because he thinks however he’s looking at Zagreus, it might be what someone in love looks like.

“Oh, Than,” Zagreus whispers. “If you’re going to keep taking such bad care of yourself, I might just have to start doing it for you.”

It’s a joke. It has to be. But in Thanatos’ ears it sounds like it could be a promise instead, and his cheeks warm.

This time, though, Zagreus’ eyes slide to meet Thanatos’, and Thanatos’ lips part without his planning to say anything, like maybe if he would let them they would speak his love all on their own.

“Uh,” Zagreus says, soft, then bites his lip. “Um, so. The rest of it.”

“The rest?” He’s not standing, or even sitting, but Thanatos still feels as though his brain is far away from his body.

“With…the money, and…”

Thanatos almost physically shakes his head to come back to himself. “Right. That.”

Zagreus drops Thanatos’ hand to run a hand through his choppy hair, nervous. Thanatos flexes his hand once, twice, then lays it carefully on his blanket. “So…if you’ll allow me to summarize. You left the house with the financial aid of your mother’s family. You were able to find your mother’s home and meet her, but as soon as she discovered that you had been in contact with her family, she left for an indeterminate amount of time— ”

“A year,” Zagreus mumbles.

“…A year. In the meantime, she left the residence to you while paying for a portion of the costs.”

“Yes. I think she thought I’d get on my feet and then, well, I wouldn’t need it anymore.”

“Is she expecting you here when she returns?”

Zagreus sighs. “Probably not.”

“I see.” Thanatos tries to quell the instinctual worry rising in him, driving him to a panic, so that he can continue the conversation instead of yelling again. “You paid for additional costs not covered by your mother by taking on odd jobs and by asking for small amounts from your mother’s family, who pay to a P.O. box and who are not aware you have already been able to leave your father’s home, nor that you are not intending on joining them in their own home.”

Zagreus gives a small nod.

“And you are…apologies, I’m not sure I’m clear on this point. You’re waiting here for your mother to return so that she can come home. To this house?”

“No.”

“To your father’s house.”

“Potentially.”

“But not with your father present.”

Zagreus exhales, then says, “I’ve been…trying to…find information. Since before I left, and now remotely.”

“Information,” Thanatos repeats, confused. “About what?”

Zagreus squirms in place. “I didn’t want to talk about this.”

“Zag…” Thanatos reaches out for his hand, though the action might be partly selfish on his part too. “You always are telling me I suffer too much alone. Don’t you do the same? I want to be there for you. If you’ll let me.”

Zagreus takes the hand and squeezes it almost subconsciously, but he still looks like he has to think a bit longer about the rest.

“I’ve had a whole year of shutting myself out from you. I didn’t enjoy it. Let me make up for it a little bit.”

Zagreus heaves a gigantic sigh, then scrunches his nose. “Fine. Fine, but—yeah, fine. I’m calling around to ex-employees, gathering testimonials, generally trying to collect information that would unseat my father as head of his company.”

Zagreus looks like he’s expecting Thanatos to blow up, hearing this. He’s almost tempted to. But Zagreus put his trust in him, here. He has to stay calm.

Even if it is a very, very dangerous thing Zagreus is doing. Dangerous and stupid.

“Why would you like to do this?” Thanatos asks.

“Would you accept ‘eat the rich’ as an answer?”

Thanatos raises his eyebrows.

“Look. Okay. Look. I know—it’s not—a good thing to do. Morally, I mean, but. His job is everything to him, _literally_ everything, so if I tell him I have that information then…well…maybe he would…do something in exchange…”

“Blackmail.”

Zagreus winces. “That’s such a filthy word.”

“It’s the accurate word for your proposal.”

Zagreus lays back over Thanatos’ bed. “I know. And I hate it.”

Thanatos keeps hold of his hand and strokes it gently. He’s keeping his word, even if the mere act of talking about this scares him so much he can hardly breathe. “It’s not like you, Zag.”

“I just…don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I only have a bit longer I can stay here. I don’t want to stay with Mom’s family. And if I don’t have someone behind me, or something, you know when he finds me he’ll drag me back. And…I can’t go back.” He turns, buries his face half in the covers. “You understand, don’t you?”

“I understand that you’re scared. I understand why you’re scared.” He keeps stroking Zagreus’ hand, though he’s not sure whether that’s for Zagreus’ benefit or his own at this point. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Only one I have.”

“Even more reason to consider it carefully, then. Nobody makes their best decisions backed into a corner.”

Zagreus makes a face, but nods.

“Obviously you know blackmail is, well, a crime.”

“Of course.” He looks guilty about it, at least.

“And have you been able to find anything damning?”

“…No. Not about him.”

“I know I was only an actuary, not an executive there—”

Zagreus grumbles, “Don’t remind me you worked for him.”

“I did and I will, because it’s relevant here. Nobody ever had anything bad to say about him, Zag. Even though he never came into the office physically. He might not be a good man, but he’s a good administrator.”

“I don’t really want to hear that.”

“I think you have to.”

Zagreus fully turns his face into the bedspread. It’s muffled, but Thanatos can hear his broken voice ask, “Then what do I do?”

“…I don’t know yet,” Thanatos admits. _Useless, useless,_ chants the hollow place.

“See, this is why I never confide in anyone,” Zagreus jokes, or tries to. “My own ideas are just always the best.”

“You’re full of shit,” Thanatos grouses. “Just get up, you big lug. We’ll think of something.”

Zagreus does get up, but Thanatos doesn’t expect that he’ll take the directive by repositioning himself to lie down facing Thanatos, arms wrapping around him and head bumping into his chest.

“Um,” Thanatos says eloquently.

“Shut up. You were so gung-ho about hugging earlier. I’m just taking my own.”

Face warm, Thanatos rests a hesitant hand on Zagreus’ back. “I mean. No. It’s fine.”

More than, really.

He firms up his grip and pulls Zagreus just a tad closer. Zagreus makes a little noise and relaxes.

More than fine, and just shy of perfect. Thanatos supposes he’ll take those moments where he can get them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK SO I MENTIONED i was having a hard time trying to find an equivalence here, and like--god i know i mired myself in this situation anyway but whatever. i think i'm...semi-satisfied with this solution, at least moreso than the other shit i was considering. it at least can hearken back to one of zag's actual talents whereas like 'hacking the computerz' seems like something zagreus would haveeee trouble doing given it would take long periods of focused attention! anyway i have a path forwards for resolution there at least which i didnt have before. staring at this for fucking hours lol. i kept coming back to it and still not knowing what to do which is why this took so long to write even though i had half of it written l o l
> 
> ((also it was a throwaway line but thats what i decided thanatos did in this au, he's a casualty actuary lol. i know, nyuk and nyuk again!!))
> 
> p.s. dont worry zagreus will not commit a crime : ) : ) : ) it's fiiiiiine


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: innuendo, awkward situations, negativity, overthinking, depression / anxiety attacks, low self esteem, pain as a coping mechanism, moments of passive suicidal ideation, episode of emotional numbness following anxiety, something like dissociation / depersonalization, medical mention, anger / one-sided fighting
> 
> if you would like to skip over the mental health (or non-health) stuff, it starts with "If Thanatos was close to dozing before, he's the opposite now" and goes...until the end of the chapter, really, i'm afraid. i'll give a summary of plot points in the end author's notes. please stay safe and don't read anything if you think it will impact you negatively!

The front door opens about fifteen minutes later, when both of them are close to dozing. Zagreus startles and stares wide-eyed at the sound.

“I’m guessing you didn’t schedule a plumber to come and just forgot to mention?”

“Uh, no. And the door was locked.”

Thanatos sighs. “Shame. As scenarios go, I’d rather pornography than home invasion.”

Zagreus sputters and extricates himself, cheeks flaming. “People would never expect you say things like that with…” He gestures vaguely at Thanatos as he climbs out of bed.

“With?” Thanatos gives a rare grin, feeling oddly playful.

“You know exactly what I mean.”

“Do I?”

It’s at that moment that a woman appears in the doorway.

Both of them freeze. The woman assesses them, Zagreus still slightly tangled in the sheets standing up and with rumpled hair, and Thanatos in the bed with a fading smile and a growing suspicion.

“I expect you’ll do your own laundry,” she says placidly. “Hello, by the way.”

Zagreus stumbles over the sheet but rights himself, hands out. “No. No, no, we weren’t—hello, Mom—there’s no need for…this wasn’t…a laundry situation.”

Suspicion confirmed, Thanatos leaps out of bed to stand up straight. Immediately, his vision darkens and he falls over onto the bed in what feels like slow motion.

“Than?!”

“I’m fine,” Thanatos says, slurring slightly, then shakes his head in an attempt to clear it. Zagreus’ mother watches him with a furrowed brow. He plasters on his business smile, deciding sitting might be safer for the time being. “Sorry about that. And this. Nice to meet you, ma’am. My name is Thanatos. Zagreus is my best friend.”

Zagreus jumps in, “He’s sick, and we—uh, his mother and I—oh, you know her, right. Um. Nicole. Nyx. We thought the air up here would be good for him—”

“So sorry to intrude.”

“I’m sorry I’m still here,” Zagreus says, looking like he’s wilting.

“I thought you might stay,” his mother says. “And anyway, Nyx texted me you were both here.” She smiles, finally, and it lights up her face. “Embarrassing your son is kind of a mom rite of passage, don’t you think?”

Zagreus slowly beams. Like this, Thanatos can see some resemblance between them—especially their eyes, but also in the way their eyes crinkle at the corners, and in the joy contained in the edges of their smiles. It feels almost like a moment he shouldn’t be intruding on.

His mother turns her gaze to him just as he’s thinking that, and for a split second, he wonders if she can see right through him, all the way down into the depths of his soul. “Thanatos, yes?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“If you call me ma’am one more time I’m kicking you out,” she says, but her eyes are twinkling, so he supposes that offsets at least some of the sting. “You can call me Seph.”

His mother’s training and his own rules grate heavily against the idea, but he tries a smile, more pained this time. “Of course…Seph…”

She laughs now. “Oh, you’re exactly like she said you were.”

He’s left wondering what that means as she beckons Zagreus out the door. “We should probably talk. You, dear, you should lay down.” She pauses thoughtfully, then adds, “I’ll send Zagreus for you later. Take it slow this time, though, yes?”

She speaks as though she expects to be obeyed, with all the weight of a queen in her calm voice. Thanatos nods, and they turn to leave through the door.

Zagreus looks back just before they pass through it, looking nervous. Thanatos wishes he could smile right now instead of feeling unsettled, or that he could give a thumbs up and have it read as sincere—not that he’s the sort for thumbs ups anyway. Instead, he falters, and Zagreus is the one to give a fake-seeming smile instead.

God, to have Zagreus reassuring _him._

He’s not a good friend at all. He slumps back against the bed, but sees his phone left out on the nightstand and reaches for it.

This he can do, at least, especially after a year without it.

He texts Zagreus, “You’ll do just fine. Just be honest with her. I’ll be rooting for you from in here.”

And Zagreus responds with a smiling face, the one with a blush that he only uses with Thanatos when he’s really happy, and that will just have to do for now.

If Thanatos was close to dozing before, he’s the opposite now. He lies looking at the door, unable to concentrate on his phone or anything else other than the outcome of whatever conversation is happening out there. He can’t hear it, only the hum of their voices, and it’s making him anxious to be left out of the loop.

 _You don’t belong anyway—don’t belong—don’t belong—_ echoes the voice inside the hollow place, and he presses his fist over his chest where it aches. Stop it, he tries to tell it, even as the aching rises into his throat. This is just a private conversation. You’re supposed to be rooting for him to get through it. And Zagreus cares for you, you know that.

 _He shouldn’t,_ whispers the voice. _He’d be better off without you. The world would—_

He doesn’t want to hear this. He doesn’t want to go here again. He presses his fist even tighter, grinding it into his sternum until it hurts. That’s all he has to concentrate on. Only the pain, only that single, bright point of simplicity. Just that. Nothing else. Nothing else. Nothing else, and he’ll be fine.

He _is_ fine.

He’s named after the God of Death, he thinks, fist grinding his chest red and redder. Perhaps the real Thanatos didn’t feel anything. Perhaps his emotions were dead, too.

Perhaps that would be better.

_Maybe the end is they are the same—_

“Than, Mom wants to talk to you,” Zagreus calls out, bounding into the room and stopping himself with a hand on the doorframe. “You…don’t look so good. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Thanatos says, expressionless. The hollow place fills his body, makes his thoughts blissfully blank. “Just a moment.”

Zagreus opens his mouth, then closes it. “Right. We’re…on the back porch, then.”

Thanatos waits for him to leave before he gets up, feeling exhausted and robotic, like his movements are detached somehow from his thoughts, like his brain is the hands operating his marionette of a body, but from far, far above.

It’s strange, but not entirely unfamiliar. He just gets like this sometimes, after everything gets to be too much. It’s not a big deal. It’s fine, and he is fine.

He puppet-walks out to the back porch, seating himself a polite distance away from Zagreus’ mother and Zagreus himself. Zagreus looks concerned, he notes distantly. His mother has that same assessing look. None of it means anything.

“If you would like, we can speak in your room,” his mother offers.

“I’m fine, ma’am,” Thanatos’ mouth says.

She tilts her head, still looking at him, a bit closer this time. “I see. Well, let me get straight to the point, then. Zagreus told me a little bit about your sickness.”

It’s a small jolt of warmth to his cold, tired limbs, knowing that even together they still spoke about him. “Yes?”

“I’m not a doctor,” she says.

“Right.”

“But I know someone.” She reclines a bit against the back of her chair. “She has similar symptoms. Obviously I can’t diagnose you, but I thought you might be interested, if it wasn’t something you had looked into. Something to Google, perhaps.”

He would be interested, if he presently had the capability. “Ah. Thank you.” He thinks Zagreus might be frowning at him. “Very much,” he adds, for manners’ sake. “Was…that it?”

“Thanatos,” Zagreus hisses.

“I’m sorry. I’m not feeling very well.”

He’s not feeling very anything, but that would take too long to explain.

“We can discuss the rest later,” Zagreus’ mother says, unruffled. “Zagreus, he might need some help getting back to bed.”

He looks between the two, frown deepening.

“Please,” she says with a small smile. “I need to unpack my things anyway.”

Zagreus doesn’t exactly help Thanatos back, though he notes he’s still looking back at him every now and then to make sure that’s not the wrong decision. He walks ahead while Thanatos trudges, his feet falling mindlessly one in front of the other, through the door and into the bed. When he gets there, he just stares up at the ceiling.

“You’re not fine,” Zagreus says accusingly.

Thanatos makes some kind of noise that probably can’t be interpreted as any kind of answer to that statement.

“Are you actually feeling sick? If you’re feeling sick then—”

“I just can’t talk,” Thanatos says. It’s true, or as close to the truth as he can manage at the moment. Words drop heavy and useless from his tongue, coming to him so slow he can barely manage to form sentences.

“Yeah, I saw that. Mom was trying to help you, you know. She told me about that friend of hers. It sounds like she _can_ help you. Do you not care about that?”

There’s something like frustration bubbling from deep in Thanatos’ chest, but something darker and thicker, like tar. He would like to be frustrated, but he _can’t._ There’s _nothing_ right now. Zagreus just needs to wait. Can’t he just wait?

Zagreus doesn’t wait, as is his proclivity. “Or…are you mad or something? Mad that I have her back? Mad that you don’t have me to yourself?”

Some part of Thanatos, buried beneath everything else, stings because he’s worried that Zagreus might be correct.

“What, do you think if we just spent time together that it would make up for all the time you abandoned me, and now she comes back and it’s ruining your plans to—to atone or something? What did you say earlier? You being angry at yourself, it wasn’t for me. But this—this is for me, can’t you be _happy?”_

Thanatos understands. He always understands. Ever since Zagreus found out about his mother being alive, he’s been dedicated to finding her, and even after finding her she left, and now she’s back—potentially for good—and Zagreus is seeing his best friend apathetic, maybe even angry about that. And Zagreus’ emotions can flare hot, and he can think the worst is happening sometimes. Thanatos isn’t all that different. He understands.

But all the same, it hurts to be attacked like this when he feels powerless to defend himself, when it could all be solved if Zagreus would just stop pushing and come back later when Thanatos felt more himself again.

He knows Zagreus won’t like this, but he turns away from the door—away from Zagreus—and pulls the covers over his head.

Zagreus huffs disbelievingly. “Oh, yeah? God, you’re—sometimes you’re—fuck, you’re my best friend, but you’re just insufferable sometimes, you know that?” He punctuates it by storming outside of the room and slamming Thanatos’ door shut behind him.

Thanatos won’t cry. He’s not sure he can. But he slowly curls in on himself, hand over his sternum, and presses, and presses harder.

_Useless. Not good enough._

_He’d be better off without you._

_The world would be better off without you._

He doesn’t like it when he gets numb like this. It happens, and he tells himself it’s fine, even though when all of it is done he knows that’s a lie. There’s a lot of things not fine about the numbness. But maybe the least fine of them all might be that when he’s freaking out about these thoughts, he can at least try to fight back.

But when it’s after and he’s feeling nothing? The thoughts come and all he can do is let them wash over him, let himself sink and drown in them, and think, maybe.

Maybe that’s right after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUMMARY OF WHAT OCCURRED IN THE MENTAL HEALTH PORTION: while zag and persephone go outside to talk, than starts spiraling a bit because he's left alone with his thoughts. after a while, he goes into a dissociation-like/emotional numbness state, during which he goes to talk to persephone. she tells him that she has a friend with similar symptoms to his own, but he is out of it and cannot respond with any enthusiasm. she's understanding and sends him back to bed. zagreus is less understanding and accuses him of being angry because persephone came back and he cannot make up for abandoning zag by having him all to himself. than can't respond properly because he's still out of it and talking is difficult for him. zag calls him insufferable and leaves in a huff. than is hurt and wallows in his own negative thoughts.
> 
> ok so!! i know two things. the first is that this is pretty heavy, for which i apologize. personally after i have an anxiety attack or a big...uhh depressive...evening (??? what's the equivalent anyway, depressive episodes are longer) anyway after i have a period of Intense Emotion let's say i just tank super hard after and go really numb and don't talk much. this is, uh, that? i don't think i led into it appropriately but i also tend to not do well with being left alone with my thoughts too long without a distraction and so that's mostly what was happening here for than, he just kind of spun out not necessarily because persephone came home but because he didn't know what was going on or what would happen and that kind of lack of security just fucked him over a bit. it...relates to my end game! i promise! im not just fucking him over because i enjoy it!!! (...probably lol)
> 
> the other thing i know, is that i am fucking ping ponging these boys' emotions every-fuckin-where like the worst roller coaster from hell. or those tower of terror things? anyway yes i am also sorry for the emotional whiplash lol. in canon zagreus is pretty uhhh tunnel-vision-y when it gets to finding his mom, so i thought in this moment of heightened emotion he might get pissy if he thought than was against it. this might be ooc! idk! i have written it, regardless, as you can see! he'll feel bad later. the pingpong will return. eventually.....the pingpong will be at blessed equilibrium. its fine. It Is Fine
> 
> p.s. my authors notes only grow ever longer. eventually they will be their own fic. its. ffffine.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: anger, fighting, food mention, talk of favoritism, pain as a coping mechanism, mention of suicidal ideation (and use of it as a guilt trip in a fight)

As his feelings slowly seep in over the course of the next hour, Thanatos comes to a conclusion.

The conclusion is that he’s fucking _pissed._

He might still understand, yes, but fuck, it sure didn’t take much for Zagreus to turn on him there, did it! For all they’d talked things out earlier. For all Thanatos had listened to his batshit blackmail plan without calling him out on it. For all they were supposed to be best friends.

…Not that…that’s supposed to earn him anything. He knows that’s not how it works. Being a decent person doesn’t earn you anything, and there’s nothing to say it should.

But whatever kind of person he is at this exact moment, he thinks he’s earned being angry. This might be the sort of thought one has solely when angry, about the righteousness of it, but he doesn’t want to think himself out of things.

After all, anger at least feels more alive than…whatever that was just before.

Zagreus may have the unique ability to work Thanatos up into a shouting ogre like no other, but most of the time, when Thanatos is angry he tends towards passive aggressive chore completion. It’s with that he angrily scrubs and dries the rest of the dishes, angrily sets up something to marinate for dinner, angrily cleans up after himself, angrily lies down again. Angrily gets back up to clean his room. Angrily runs out of room to clean and moves on to dusting the décor in the house. Angrily waits.

He’s moved on to angrily preparing dinner when the door finally opens again, predictably revealing a sweaty, panting Zagreus, fresh off a run. He always runs when he’s angry. Thanatos might appreciate the view at any other point, but now he just ignores Zagreus, pulling out a tasting spoon to check on the seasoning of the sauce he’s reducing in the corner back burner.

Thanatos knows the pattern of these things, which is why it’s also unsurprising when Zagreus starts to needle him almost immediately. “Mom was going to make dinner,” he says, an opening sally, testing the waters.

“I wasn’t aware,” Thanatos responds coolly, heading to the fridge to take out the marinaded meat and vegetables. “I’ll apologize to her when I see her.”

But not to you, is the unspoken message there, and Zagreus scowls.

“I’ve never had a meal made by my mother.”

“There will be other opportunities, I’m sure.”

“I was looking forward to this one.” Zagreus isn’t letting up, walking closer to the kitchen.

“If you feel particular about it, I’m happy to eat this by myself.” Thanatos wears an incredibly, visibly fake smile. “I’ll be done soon enough. Certainly wouldn’t want to overstep.”

“Well, you did,” Zagreus huffs, clearly not talking about dinner.

“Oh my. Is that what you think?” Thanatos asks in a monotone, refusing to concede even an inch, anger only boiling hotter at the audacity of it. “Well, if it’s any consolation, you won’t need to worry about me much longer.”

Zagreus blinks, faltering. “Wait. What…does that mean?”

Thanatos doesn’t answer, just keeps an eye on the frying pan. He’ll need to start turning things soon.

“What did you—”

“Oh, Thanatos, are you making dinner?” Zagreus’ mother asks, sweeping into the room like she owns it, which Thanatos supposes is true. “You didn’t have to, especially with how sick you were feeling earlier.”

“I’m fine now, thank you, Seph.”

She looks curiously, walking closer and seeming to peer at his eyes. “It does appear so. Well, I had been planning on cooking, but you took a weight off my shoulders, dear. Not actually a fan of it. Too much fuss.”

Thanatos can see the fight drop out of Zagreus some, and almost feels bad. Just for a second, because he’s still mad, but it hurts when someone close to you takes someone else’s side over yours.

He supposes he would know, given the circumstances.

“I’d still love to taste your cooking tomorrow, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble,” Thanatos grudgingly says. Grudging because of Zagreus, not the concept of her cooking, of course, and he doesn’t let any of it leak into his voice. Because that would be rude. And he has no interest in being rude to Zagreus’ mother. Which Zagreus would know if he thought a single second.

…Anyway.

“Of course! Not any trouble cooking for my two new favorite boys.” Her green eyes almost seem to twinkle with mischief as she says it, which Thanatos ponders over as he goes back to cooking.

“Why would _he_ be one of your favorite boys?” Zagreus asks mulishly. “I’m your son.”

“Of course, and I look forward to getting to know you,” she says, placating but sincere. “But _you_ haven’t cooked for me.”

“You just came back!”

“Don’t take it so seriously,” she says, smiling and patting his back. “Besides, he’s your…best friend, right? Isn’t he one of _your_ favorite boys?”

Zagreus draws back, looking conflicted.

“You can make me lunch tomorrow, if you’re so bothered,” she says breezily. “It’ll be like Chopped.”

“I certainly hope it won’t be like Chopped, unless you have some ingredients you plan to spring on me,” Thanatos says, a bit guilty and trying to change the subject. “I will also have to reject Cutthroat Kitchen, if that’s your next idea.”

Zagreus’ mother laughs. “He knows his cooking shows!”

“I have a lot of spare time,” Thanatos murmurs, taking the heat off the sauce and pouring it into the frying pan to coat the cooked meat and vegetables to avoid thinking too hard about how much spare time he does have. “This will be done soon.”

“Oh, excellent. Zagreus, would you be a dear and set the table?”

“Of course, Mom,” Zagreus says immediately. Thanatos’ mother has trained him almost as well as Thanatos himself, after all. He brushes past Thanatos as he’s headed for the cabinet with the plates, and he whispers, “Stop it.”

At that, Thanatos’ hackles raise once more, reminding him exactly why he was angry in the first place. “I’m not doing _anything,”_ he whispers back, so harshly that Zagreus looks almost surprised at his vehemence before recovering.

“You’re trying to make her like you better than me.”

“I assure you, I am not,” Thanatos hisses. “Just set the fucking table.”

Zagreus, affronted, gets the plates and a handful of silverware and napkins and sets them out, sneaking irritated looks at Thanatos while he transfers the food to serving dishes. Thanatos is getting closer to bursting, and he doesn’t want to do that here, but…

“Seph, I really don’t want to intrude on your family dinner. I can make myself a plate and go somewhere else—”

“Please, you made dinner, you should stay! Besides, you’re Nyx’s son, that’s basically family.”

Thanatos tries another smile, though he’s not sure if this looks anywhere close to one. “Ah. Thank you.”

They start in silence, which is honestly preferable to Thanatos. But then Zagreus’ mother, with the best of intentions, asks, “Where were you this afternoon, Zagreus?”

Zagreus sets down his fork and shoots a pointed glance at Thanatos. “Running.”

Thanatos grinds his teeth and doesn’t respond, which appears to anger Zagreus even further, because he adds a helpful, “Because of a _certain someone.”_

When Thanatos still doesn’t rise to the occasion, Zagreus continues, leaning slightly across the table. “Would you happen to know who that someone might be? Thanatos?”

“You are a child,” Thanatos grits out, as quietly as he can manage, but Zagreus doesn’t seem to get the message.

“A _child?!_ You’re the one who was mean to Mom because you didn’t want to let go of—of your _favorite toy!”_

“Zagreus, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Please just drop it,” Thanatos says, gripping his fork so hard the edges bite into his hand.

“And you’re sitting there trying to play some warped game of who-will-Mother-like-best—she’s not _your_ mother, news flash, she’s _mine!”_

And with that, Thanatos has officially had it. He stands up, hands flexing and relaxing, digging his nails into his palms over and over again. His nostrils are flared, and his teeth are clenched so hard he can feel it deep in his skull. “I _said_ you have _no fucking idea what you’re talking about._ I was trying to keep this away from the dinner table—sorry, Seph—”

She’s still eating, eyebrows raised, and shrugs at the mention. “I’m used to it.”

“I wasn’t being mean to your mother. Not intentionally, which I believe she knew. I am not trying to steal you away from her or her away from you, so if you would kindly fucking get _over_ yourself and realize that sometimes things are happening that don’t revolve around you, Your Highness—”

Zagreus scoffs. “Oh, that’s rich.”

Thanatos brings a hand up to his face, digs his fingernails into his forehead, rakes them down his face enough that he can feel the sting. “Oh my God! You just won’t listen! I can’t—I can’t talk to you.”

“Sure, I know that already,” Zagreus says, pointing at the phone in his pocket.

“God, yes, sure, let’s do that. Bringing up things we already discussed.”

“What, we discuss it and I have to be done with it?”

“No! But you wouldn’t have brought it up if you weren’t just trying to hurt me as much as possible right now!”

Zagreus inhales, just a tiny breath, and he looks down. “I mean…”

“How’s this for hurting someone,” Thanatos says, nasty and well aware of it, even though some part of him would really like him to stop right here. “You wanted to know what was happening, right? Why I wasn’t _fine_ just because you thought I should be. Right. Okay. Let’s talk about that, since you just want to have it out right here.”

Zagreus looks uncertain, and he doesn’t say anything. This is the part where Thanatos could stop. This is the part where he could calm down, and they could have a conversation about it, like before, when Zagreus had comforted him even though Thanatos was the one who started yelling.

He doesn’t stop.

“While you were out having a conversation with your mother—which I told you I would support you about, which you conveniently forgot—I was in my room thinking about how the world would be better off if I were dead.”

The word hangs in the room, over the dinner table, right in the middle of everyone. Persephone has stopped eating, staring instead fixedly at her hands clasped in her lap. Zagreus’ eyes are round, and he looks all of a sudden very young and scared and full of regret.

Regret is something Thanatos understands very well, especially at this moment. He wishes he could run away, just stop and run.

But he keeps going, because he’s already here, though his voice is less angry and more flat. “After…things like that, I go into an emotional null state. It’s difficult for me to react to anything with any emotion, and equally difficult to talk. So it was hard to react positively to good news, or to defend myself while you accused me of…” He feels like he’s choking on his words, and shakes his head as though it will set them free.

It doesn’t, though. He stands, stiff in place, and says, “I’ll clean my plate later.”

“You don’t need to do that,” Zagreus’ mother says, subdued.

“I would prefer it.” He hesitates before saying it, the final barb in his fence, but as has been the theme for tonight, he says it anyway. “I believe I would also prefer to go home. Tomorrow, I think.”

Zagreus doesn’t do anything. He doesn’t yell, or chew on his lip like he does, or even open his mouth to ask Thanatos to stay. Not that he deserves it. Zagreus just stays, frozen, in his seat, looking straight ahead.

“Well, then. Good night.”

He walks into his room, closes the door, and then sits down right in front of it, not angry anymore but much worse off for it.

When the fire burns down, what’s left of it? Just death, he supposes, ashes and a memory of warmth.

Thanatos might not have been the god of that kind of death, the kind where you just fuck things up and are left in the haze of its consequences. But this Thanatos, the fake one, he seems to be very good at that kind of death indeed.

He lies down, still in front of the door, and stares out the sliver of window he can see. It’s not quite sunset, yet, but it doesn’t really matter. Whatever sky he sees, it won’t be as beautiful without Zagreus there.

A memory of warmth and ashes, he thinks, and presses his hand over his eyes until he can't see anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i know, more fighting! that said i can confirm this will be the Last Fight between them in this fic. and also i can confirm. they're not usually so bad they're just uhh in a period of heightened emotion lol...if ur always fighting thats not healthy and this is not a normal occasion for them.......anywayyyy
> 
> if you're wondering if i was thinking of a particular recipe than was doing the answer is no. i was thinking of a number of recipes. this is because. i did not want to have to be accurate LOL
> 
> also if youre wondering 'why is zagreus acting like a churlish teenager in this chapter' i could come up with an in-fic answer for you, and sort of did, but the more accurate answer is really just going to be 'it was convenient for me'. authorrrrrrrrrrr--no actually really i knew already i was changing their characters and speech some due to modern au but zagreus in particular has just become a different zagreus and i couldn't be bothered to watch a bunch of dialogue again to make him better....i am very sorry zagreus. i am just......so lazy, you see....................


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: fight aftermath, low self esteem, insecurity, talk about depression, talk about passive suicidal ideation, awkward situations, talk about parental abandonment

A knock comes at the door at some point later. It’s tentative, so quiet he can barely hear it, which is why Thanatos immediately knows who’s knocking.

He almost considers denying Zagreus entry or pretending he’s asleep, just on principle really, but frankly he’s just tired. Not in that numb emotionless way from earlier, just exhausted deep in his bones—too exhausted to fight, or to deny anything, or really even to move from the door. He scooches minutely to allow the door to open and waits.

“Um. Thanatos?” Zagreus’ voice is ragged and cracked, which means he’s been crying. Thanatos feels bad for it, but he’s too tired even to berate himself. He just waves a lazy hand from the floor, then let it flop down back by his side.

“Holy shit! I—sorry. I didn’t expect you…sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Thanatos says. “I’d be more concerned if you expected me to be on the floor.”

A hint of a smile appears on Zagreus’ face, despite everything. “Fair. Can…I come in?”

Thanatos heaves a sigh. He supposes asking Zagreus to just move the door and him along with it might be _too_ infantile, tired or no. “Of course.” He heaves himself upwards and towards the bed. Zagreus follows, timid. Too timid.

“I wasn’t certain if there was any kind of ‘of course’ about anything, after earlier,” he murmurs.

Thanatos buries his head in his pillow, thinking. Finally he says, “I took it too far. I’m s—”

“No!” Zagreus yelps, then continues, “No, I mean—Than, I’d like to apologize first. I think I should. Let me?”

Thanatos peers to look at him. “Go ahead, I suppose.”

“You were…right. About everything. Maybe you went too far right then, but…you were right to call me out. I made assumptions I had no right or basis to make and I tried to hurt you because I was hurt that I thought you weren’t happy for me. And I shouldn’t have done any of that. It was wrong. I’m so very sorry. I betrayed your trust when you never betrayed mine.”

Thanatos nods into his pillow, then turns fully to face Zagreus and sits up. “And I’m sorry. You had no real way of understanding what was going on with me because I never told you, and I…weaponized my…feelings. To hurt you. No matter how angry I was, that was unacceptable.”

“It’s fine,” Zagreus whispers, then he launches forward onto the bed to hug Thanatos. “Please, don’t leave. Not like this. Not…I could barely sit with myself thinking of you leaving when I…”

Thanatos feels even worse thinking of it, knowing he did that on purpose. He runs his hand through Zagreus’ hair and says, “I don’t want to leave you either. I never did. I’m sorry for—”

“I’m sorry too,” Zagreus breathes, curling up against Thanatos neck and finally relaxing. “I’m so sorry. I truly am.”

They sit in each other’s arms a while longer, Thanatos still stroking Zagreus’ hair and Zagreus breathing evenly into Thanatos’ neck. He almost wonders if he’s fallen asleep—a bit unfair, to send tingles through Thanatos’ body like this and fall asleep still, he thinks, albeit fondly—but Zagreus stirs and pulls apart, looking a bit sheepish, then sad.

“Why do we keep fighting, Than?” he asks softly, looking Thanatos straight in the face.

Thanatos considers. “I suppose we’ve just been knocked slightly out of orbit, is all. There’s a year’s worth of heightened emotions between us.”

Zagreus sighs and rests his head again, this time against Thanatos’ chest. “I don’t want that. I don’t like fighting with you.”

“I don’t like it either,” Thanatos says quietly.

There’s a silence between them, and then, “Would you be willing to talk about…you know.”

And there’s the other flaw of using his weakness as weaponry: he knew this moment would come, and he never wanted it to. He wants to say no, but he feels as though he’s lost the right.

“You don’t have to,” Zagreus says while Thanatos doesn’t respond. “But I want to help. Or if I can’t do that…just to listen?”

Thanatos’ fingers start to curl towards his palm, but Zagreus stops their movement by winding their fingers together. Thanatos purses his lips and looks down at their hands, and slowly, he nods.

And he talks about it.

His words are halting at first, but they come faster with time, until they pour out of him like a stream: that he hated himself before he lost his job, even before Zagreus left, that he had bad evenings even then, but he was always able to remind himself that at least he was useful to someone, to someplace. That he lost those things, and then he felt useless, like there was nothing to tether him to the world anymore. That there’s a hollow place in his chest that makes it hard to see the point of anything—of getting out of bed, of changing his clothes, of showering, of eating, of being alive. That he doesn’t feel like a good enough person or that he does good enough in life to deserve the space he takes in the world or in people’s thoughts. That he doesn’t know how he would be able to fix any of that, especially if…he never gets better.

Zagreus holds both his hands the entire time, squeezing them when Thanatos falters, and he listens just like he said he would. He doesn’t offer solutions, just listens, and holds his hands, and stays there.

Thanatos is surprised at how good it feels.

When he’s done, Zagreus gently lays his forehead against Thanatos’, eyes closed, and says, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“No. But I wish I had been there anyway.”

“Your father—”

“I know. Even still.” He takes a shallow breath, then a deeper one. “You know that you are absolutely one of the most important people in the world to me, right?”

Thanatos smiles, then closes his eyes too and enjoys the heat of their foreheads touching. “So you’ve said.”

“And I mean it. I know…that I’m not the person who changes what you think in all this, Than, but—” His voice takes on a kind of urgency. “But Than, you are…you more than deserve your space. And the world would never really recover from losing you.”

Thanatos huffs slightly. “I don’t think that’s true.”

Zagreus squeezes his hands this time, but almost to the point of pain, to the extent Thanatos opens his eyes again, confused. “It’s absolutely true. And I would…at least… _I_ wouldn’t.”

Thanatos stares at him. He’s not sure he’s ever seen Zagreus look so desperate to communicate something.

“Because, I mean…I love you.”

Thanatos’ heart stops even though he knows it doesn’t mean what Thanatos would mean if he said it. Hell, Zagreus has said this before; he’s much more content to verbally express affection between the two of them, and he says he loves other people often enough. Best friends can say they love each other, he’s said stubbornly, even when they’re both men. It’s the twenty-first century. Down with toxic masculinity, and so forth.

But Thanatos, weak man that he is, always freezes at the expression regardless, and he’s fairly sure Zagreus has never said it so close to him, to boot. Never with their foreheads together and him gazing so intently at Thanatos and his lips just…right there, if Thanatos opted to partake.

Thanatos’ cheeks warm again, though he doesn’t think he’s actually blushing, luckily. He licks his lips and then drops his gaze and carefully leans back, squeezing Zagreus’ hands one last time of his own accord. “Well…thank you. Same on my end.”

Zagreus blinks once, then jerks back, as if woken suddenly from a dream. “Like, as best friends.”

It didn’t really need to be clarified, but sure, dig the needle in deeper. “Of course.”

“Bros.”

“I would deeply appreciate it if you never called me your ‘bro’ again.”

Zagreus laughs, though it sounds a bit hysterical. “Right! I’m being weird. Just, uh…just…” He tears his hands from Thanatos’ and pats his cheeks. “Warm in here, isn’t it?”

“Not particularly, though you know we have different standards in that regard,” Thanatos says slowly. “I can open the window?”

“I’ll do it,” Zagreus offers, leaping up. “Mm, nice cool air. Lovely.”

When he sits back down, it’s on the chair instead, and Thanatos doesn’t expect that to hurt as much as it does.

“Secret for a secret?” Zagreus says after a moment. “You told me about your thing. I never told you about my thing, not entirely.”

“Your…thing?”

“The things we didn’t want to talk about.” Zagreus hesitates, picking at a hole in his jeans. “My mom.”

Thanatos frowns. “I mean, you don’t have to feel obligated.”

“No, I think I want to.” He chews on his lip. “When I found her…and she left. I was.” His voice drops into a whisper. “Than, I was so, so angry.”

Thanatos watches Zagreus grasping at his knees, his knuckles going white, and reaches out his hand for Zagreus to hold. He watches as Zagreus takes it immediately, and with the same immediacy, relaxes.

“I had given everything to be with her. _Everything._ ” He glances at Thanatos, and Thanatos’ heart melts a bit as he understands the perhaps unintentional implication. “And just because she didn’t want her family to…just at the chance of it…she…” Zagreus blows out a shaky breath. “I kept telling her we could work it out somehow. But instead, she just left me all alone here, in a town where I knew nobody, with no plans on how to survive.”

Thanatos strokes his thumb along Zagreus’ hand, and he shoots him a grateful look.

“I was thinking about things before I came in here. I wanted to understand why, um…why I was so quick to defend her, even when…I mean, I’ve known you so much longer.” He rocks back and forth a bit in his seat. “And I think that all may have to do with it. That maybe I just wanted her so badly to be worth it that I built her up and…and when…” He sniffles, lip crumpling. “Just at the thought that maybe she wasn’t, that maybe somebody else wasn’t seeing it because it wasn’t real, I just couldn’t take it…”

His eyes are tearing up, and Thanatos wonders why Zagreus bothered getting off the bed in the first place when he was inevitably going to come back. “Come here,” he sighs, opening the covers and beckoning under them. Just like before, Zagreus dives forward and into the embrace of Thanatos’ arms, drying his tears with Thanatos’ shirt and not even particularly subtly.

“Zag, she left you, and that’s not okay. It doesn’t have to be,” Thanatos says, rubbing Zagreus’ back this time. “You don’t have to make yourself okay with it. It can be wrong, and you can move from that point with her still. You can be angry at her, she can be less than perfect, and all of that can still be your mom. Right? She can still love you even if she makes stupid decisions.”

Zagreus nods soundlessly, tears still soaking Thanatos’ shirt. When he comes out, still looking gorgeous, damn him, he asks, “Would you still love me if I made stupid decisions?”

It’s a joke. Obviously. But Zagreus looks, for some reason, like he cares about the answer. Maybe it’s just reassurance he needs.

“Zagreus, you make nothing but stupid decisions,” Thanatos says. “And I’m clearly still here.”

Zagreus pushes at his chest and mutters, “Ass,” but he’s also grinning. And Thanatos knows nobody else can do that for Zagreus right now, and for a second he thinks—maybe it is true that Zagreus needs him, at least.

The thought makes his sleep pleasant, or maybe it’s just that he sleeps tangled up with Zagreus. Either way, he feels somehow like the morning will be brighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic, aka: Hugs And Fights In Infinite Loop
> 
> this chapter feels a biiiit shaky which could be because i was wobbling the whole point on whether to put a confession in here or not! as you can see: not. exactly. ;P they're gettin closer though. if you're wondering how they can be so oblivious, i suppose the answer is 'sheer force of will' by this point. they've decided what they will and will not see and understand and by god nobody can shake them from it!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: innuendo, food mention, i think that might be it this time but let me know if i've missed something of course!

“My deepest apologies once more for the disturbance last evening, Ms. Seph,” Thanatos announces as he opens the door to Persephone’s room for Zagreus, who is holding a tray of breakfast. “We’ve resolved the issue, no need to worry.”

“I wasn’t particularly worried,” she says cheerily, beckoning them forward. “Especially since Zagreus never went back to his room last night.”

Zagreus pinks, while Thanatos coughs and looks away. Waking up with Zagreus in his arms had been far nicer than he’d like to think about at this or any moment, especially since Zagreus had woken up not long after, all slow blinking and drowsy smiles.

“Thanatos,” he’d said, in that beautiful rumbly morning voice of his, “Morning.”

And Thanatos had almost forgotten, with his sleep-addled brain and all, why he shouldn’t stay like this, and why it would be an even worse idea to kiss him.

Luckily, Zagreus had done his job for him, waking up further and freezing, slowly inching away from Thanatos and muttering, “Sorry, your arm must be asleep. That’s—sorry.”

Thanatos hadn’t particularly minded, but thus had their night-long cuddling session ended, and their plan to jointly cook breakfast for Zagreus’ mother began. It might have had something to do with Thanatos trying to dispel the awkwardness over the room. Doesn’t much matter.

“It was just a slumber party,” Zagreus mumbles, “there’s no need to make a big deal over it,” and oddly enough, if Thanatos didn’t know better he might almost think there was a tinge of disappointment there somewhere. Which—he does know better. Of course. But for some reason, the thought sticks in his head regardless, needling at the back of his mind as he pours Zagreus’ mother her orange juice.

“Why, I wasn’t,” she says amusedly. “Interesting that you’d think I was.”

Zagreus wrinkles up his nose, about to say something, then shakes his head. “Uh—we didn’t know what you’d like, exactly, but Thanatos makes amazing French toast.”

“And Zagreus squeezed the oranges fresh himself,” Thanatos hurries to add, not wanting to repeat the hurt from yesterday. “He also did the eggs.”

“Excellent, boys. Thank you so much.” She tries the food, then says decisively, “90 points.”

It’s a high score, probably more than the breakfast deserves in the first place, but Thanatos has always been the sort to argue with his teachers over grades anyway. “May I ask what lost the 10?”

Persephone grins, like she was waiting for him to ask. She probably was. “You called me Ms. Seph. What kind of old lady name is that?”

Thanatos flounders. “Ah…well…”

“Hey, be nice to him,” Zagreus says, bumping his shoulder with an echoing grin. “He’s just like that.”

Thanatos doesn’t think it’s an insult. He ducks his head to hide the hint of a smile. Zagreus took his side this time.

Not that there’s sides. He’s being very sentimental today. It’s unlike him.

“Anyway, we’ll leave you to it,” Zagreus continues, steering Thanatos out the door. His objective is very clear: they haven’t had breakfast themselves yet, and Zagreus loves this French toast. Thanatos allows him to be steered, rolling his eyes but secretly delighting in the feel of Zagreus’ strong hands on his shoulders.

When they get to the kitchen, Zagreus makes some eggs—scrambled for Thanatos, just how he likes them, and over-easy for himself—and then plates them and the French toast. “Mm, I haven’t had this for a year,” he says, shoveling in a piece with a speed Thanatos has long since stopped being astonished by and sighing after he swallows. “It’s _so_ good.”

“I could leave you two alone,” Thanatos says, hiding a smile behind a demure bite of egg.

“I’d rather be alone with you,” Zagreus says, then coughs. “I mean, as long-term companions go, uh. I feel like the French toast would mold faster.”

“Good to know my value to you lies solely in my relative resistance to decay,” Thanatos says dryly.

“Nah. You also make me French toast.” Zagreus’ grin is infectious, and Thanatos smiles again, rolling his eyes.

“Oaf. How about you show your value to me by pouring a cup of orange juice.”

“You don’t even like orange juice,” Zagreus says, squinting.

“You worked hard to make it, I should at least try.”

The tips of his ears go red just the slightest bit, and he nods. “Well. Sure, then.” He gets a cup and pours some for them both. “Am I sufficiently valuable?”

God, it should be illegal for him to bat his eyelashes like that. “Sure,” Thanatos says, trying to sound dismissive. The orange juice is suddenly very helpful, because his throat has gone dry from the idle fantasy of Zagreus attempting to prove his worth in additional ways.

Really, what is _with_ him today.

Zagreus sips some of his orange juice, then says, “Oh. I forgot to tell you what Mom and I talked about. Uh, yesterday, I mean.” More orange juice. “Basically, she said I could stay here if I wanted.”

Reality comes crashing back in on Thanatos like a particularly vindictive bus, and a soft exhale is punched out of him. Right. He’s not here forever, and Zagreus…Zagreus can stay. Here. Far away from Thanatos.

“Oh,” Thanatos says quietly, not quite trusting his voice not to break if he talks louder. “That’s…kind of her.”

“Yes, it is.” Zagreus’ eyes slide elsewhere, and he chews on his lip. “Um, but, she also said she didn’t think I would want to.”

Thanatos frowns, attempting to put on the mantle of supportive friend as best he can. “What? Why? That doesn’t even make any sense, you gave up so much to find her. Why would you want to leave?”

Zagreus pokes at his final slice of French toast. “I mean, thing is, I kind of agreed with her.”

Thanatos stops his fussing, confused.

“Just, well. I’m glad to have found her, and I would like her to be part of my life, especially now that she says she’ll explain everything to her family so there’s no danger of…uh, whatever there was danger of in the first place. But I need to stand on my own two feet at some point. Get a proper job, I think.” Zagreus cuts off an unreasonably large piece of the slice, says, “Maybe in the city,” and then shoves the whole piece in his mouth.

“You hate the city,” Thanatos says, still not understanding.

Zagreus points at his mouth.

“You wanted out of there so badly. And it will be easier for your father to…” Thanatos frowns, looking down at his plate, thinking, then shoots back up quickly. “Oh, Zag, you’re not coming back for me, are you?”

Zagreus finally swallows, and in a small voice says, “Can’t I?”

“Of course you _can,_ but why would you _want_ to? Or, I mean—what I’m saying is you don’t _have_ to. If you’re worried about me, or…I promise I won’t block you this time.”

He’s going for levity, but Zagreus still looks downtrodden, poking at the remaining things on his plate. “Do you not want me there?”

His voice is almost a whisper, now, and Thanatos winces. “No! I—” Fuck, he’s going to have to be _honest,_ isn’t he. Or at least partially so. “I would…love to have you there,” he admits. “I’d say I’d forgotten how important it was to have you around, except I never forgot.” He pauses, considering his next words. “But I don’t want to hold you back, or tie you down to someplace that’s bad for you. I want you to be where the best place is for you, even if…it means I’m not with you.”

“Than, you idiot,” Zagreus says, earnest, like this is the most obvious thing in the world. “The best place for me _is_ with you.”

In romances, oftentimes when the main characters finally confess their love, it’s some big, climactic moment. They yell it running after a train or in the lobby of an airport, or it’s in the pouring rain or on a beautiful starlit night. There’s a lot of build up and then release and it’s glorious and beautiful for all involved.

Thanatos doesn’t really watch or read romances, and he’d certainly not consider himself the main character in one, not now or ever in the future. And maybe that’s exactly why it happens this way. Or maybe it’s just a lack of self-control on this morning during which he’s been so uncharacteristically uncontrolled, or maybe it’s just a final drop in a basin of water that’s already been very full for a very long time. It only takes just one to send everything crashing over the sides, after all, and only just a moment for just one drop to fall.

However the reason, it is over a plate of unfinished eggs and in the middle of an unrelated conversation about housing, and very much to the surprise of both parties, that Thanatos looks at Zagreus and says, dreamily but sincerely: “God, I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WINKS
> 
> i was gonna do this next chapter because i mentioned i was going to do it last chapter last chapter and i didnt want to be too predictable but then i did it this one, as you all can see. but i cliffhanger'd it. because...i'm a dick. (whispers) authorrrr
> 
> sorry i know there's not much buildup around this BUT hopefully the next chapter makes up for it a bit? :P speaking of, not next chapter but...soon, i think i will actually change the rating to e and do a you-know chapter. it'll be separate, wholly contained with no plot, so that it can be skipped tho!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: food mention, blood mention, medical situations

Thanatos had never expected to confess his love to Zagreus. From the moment he knew he had feelings of any kind for Zagreus that went beyond platonic affection, he knew it was a secret he intended to take to the grave. His friendship with Zagreus was, and is, far more important to him than any satisfaction—if, indeed, there were to be any at all—he might glean from telling Zagreus how he yearned for him.

Because he had not planned on a confession, he also had not planned on what his confession might look like if he were to go through with one. If you had asked him, and if in this hypothetical he were to not deny his feelings outright, he might be able to think of a few things. Nice clothes, maybe, a nice evening with just the slightest refreshing breeze running through it. Some delicious food.

However you had asked him, he would never have imagined being in his sleep clothes still, with rapidly congealing eggs on the plates left over from breakfast, in Zagreus’ mother’s house, with absolutely no intention of speaking the words in the first place. But perhaps, if you had asked him what he might do if he had indeed accidentally said he loved Zagreus, he might have predicted the future accurately.

That is to say, he gets up as quickly as he can and sprints away.

“Wh—Thana— _wait!”_

If he were thinking critically, he might remember that Zagreus was the star of their track and field team in high school, or that Zagreus runs every day, or maybe just more simplistically that Zagreus is a really good runner. He might then come to the equally accurate conclusion that it’s fairly useless to run away, because there is no way he, someone who is already nearing the limits of the time he can be upright without repercussions and is therefore starting to get dizzy, will be able to outpace Zagreus, who is very fucking fast.

Thanatos is not thinking particularly critically at this moment. Mostly, he is thinking, what the fuck? What the fucking fuck? What the fuck did I just do? _Why_ the fuck did I just do? Oh God. Oh, God. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

It is, therefore, that the sequence of events ends as follows: Thanatos attempts to flee. Zagreus, who is incidentally also blessed with excellent reflexes, reaches out immediately to grab him as he passes by the table. Thanatos, who is dizzy and discombobulated and not expecting any of the last minute or so, is caught by surprise and slips on the tile of the kitchen, tripping spectacularly and faceplanting on the ground.

“Ow,” he moans, still thinking fuck, but also his vision is blurry which is an interesting new twist on things.

“Oh my God!” Zagreus shrieks. “Oh my God, Than, I am so sorry. I didn’t know you would—oh, God, there’s blood. Why is there blood? Oh my God.”

“People have blood in their heads,” Thanatos informs him slowly, awfully proud of this sensible answer.

Zagreus doesn’t look proud, or like he thinks that’s particularly sensible at all. Mostly he looks like he’s panicking even more now. “Mom! Mom, help!”

Zagreus' mother comes running out and stops at the scene on the floor. “Now just how did you manage that, anyway?” she demands, quickly walking to the sink to wet some towels. “Zagreus. Laundry room. First aid kit.”

“I didn’t—I didn’t mean to—”

“First aid kit!”

He stiffens, then nods sharply. “Yes ma’am!” He runs off to the laundry room, and Persephone sighs, massaging her temple with her free hand.

“You’ve infected him too, I see,” she mutters, kneeling down to the floor to look at Thanatos. “Hello, dear. Can you tell me what year it is?”

Thanatos frowns. “I don’t believe it was ever specified, really.”

“You’re actually right,” she says thoughtfully. “Who’s the President?”

Thanatos answers all the other questions to the best of his ability while she straightens his head a bit on the ground and then presses a wet towel to his forehead in an attempt to stanch the bleeding.

Zagreus comes running back in with the first aid kit and Persephone deftly uses its contents to bandage the wound, which stops bleeding soon enough without needing stitches, luckily. She calls a doctor to be sure of things, and eventually concludes he can be moved to his bed and supervised the rest of the day.

As things calm down, Zagreus gets even more restless. He’s been assigned supervisory duty—‘you make the mess, you clean it up’, as his mother had said—but the room seems too small for him as he first bounces his feet in the chair, then gets up to pace around.

“You can go out for a run if you want,” Thanatos offers. “I’ll keep from dying until you get back.”

Zagreus gives him an unimpressed look for the joke, then huffs. “No. It’s not even…look, I guess I’ll just say it straight out. Did you say you loved me before all of that?”

Thanatos cringes, looking away. He had kinda hoped that got lost permanently in the hubbub. “You’re always saying friends can say they love one another.”

“But you ran away,” Zagreus counters, grabbing Thanatos’ hands so that Thanatos turns back to look at him. “Why would that make you run?”

“Maybe I had an itch. Maybe I needed the bathroom. Maybe I’m emotionally incompetent.”

The last one is probably true, otherwise he wouldn’t be going through this charade, but he thinks Zagreus might be breaking through it with his intense gaze.

“I don’t think so,” he says softly. “You looked scared. Scared of how I’d react. When you said it.”

Thanatos’ hands are trapped. He can’t run. He can’t press his nails to his palms, or his fist to his chest. He can’t do anything but close his eyes and tell the truth. “I was scared.”

“Because?” His voice is breathy. Expectant, maybe. Thanatos isn’t certain for what.

“Because I never meant to tell you that. And…I’m sorry. I never wanted to ruin what we had by letting you know, because now you’re going to have to tell me you don’t feel the same, and it’ll be all awkward, and—”

“Idiot,” Zagreus breathes.

Thanatos scowls and opens his eyes. “Okay, I mean, that’s rude, actually. I’m baring my heart a little here.”

“You stupid, dumb idiot,” Zagreus says, a beam overtaking his face like the sun rising in the morning. “How stupid do you have to be to think I’m not in love with you too?”

Thanatos parses the statement, blinking, and says, “What?”

Zagreus draws slightly closer, still grinning wide and bright. “I’m saying I love you, Than.”

“Like…‘bros’?

“Like I want to kiss you right now,” Zagreus says, even closer. “And like I’d prefer you never call me bro again. You were right, that’s awful.” He considers. “Mate sounds better. Goes with the accent, and all.”

“Fascinating train of thought,” Thanatos says, finally catching on even though the world still feels hazy around him. He supposes that could be the unbelievable situation or the head injury, really. “I like the prior one better.”

Zagreus laughs, low and joyful, and crowds so close into Thanatos’ space it’s as though he wants to become one being. “I can hardly believe this,” he whispers, almost against Thanatos’ lips but not quite. “For so long—I thought I would always be the only one.”

“You never have been,” Thanatos murmurs, and lets it sit for a moment before, “Because I bet I was in love with you first. Squirt.”

“Ass,” Zagreus chuckles, bringing one of his hands up to Thanatos’ hair to run through it, the other to stroke gently along his cheek. He touches him like he’s something precious, a treasure, and Thanatos feels his heart bursting and melting simultaneously.

He raises his own hands, one to Zagreus’ cheek, one to rest on Zagreus’ hand on his cheek. He might be smiling. He might be smiling so hard his face is hurting, in fact. It somehow doesn’t seem important enough to take note of.

“We can talk about asses later,” Thanatos says, savoring how this close, he can see Zagreus’ eyes go dark at the comment, and that now he knows exactly what that means. “I heard someone mentioning kissing. I truly could have sworn it was you.”

“Impatient,” Zagreus says, but his eyes dip to Thanatos’ lips as soon as the word is mentioned.

“I didn’t want to have to use this card, but I _am_ a recent victim of head trauma. You should take care of me.”

Zagreus laughs again, and licks his lips. “Don’t think that’s part of the treatment, but I’d have to be even more stupid than you to turn that down.”

Thanatos’ affronted ‘hey’ is swallowed by Zagreus’ lips. Just a quick, light touch, just at first, but then there’s another, and another, and then it’s more pressure and for longer, until Thanatos is getting the kiss he’d never thought he’d have but had always dreamed of. When Zagreus starts to pull away, maybe for more silly banter, Thanatos cuts that off immediately by digging both hands into Zagreus’ hair and dragging him back into another intense, wonderful kiss.

He’ll admit he’s still not entirely certain what this is. It’s far too vivid to be a dream, and it’s not as though Zagreus would ever joke about something like this. But it still feels as though reality is holding its breath. Thanatos has been telling himself this could never happen for so long that his brain, his hands, his lips telling him that it is presently happening seems like an impossibility.

Whatever it is, though, he wants to get as much out of it as he can while it’s happening, even if that means Zagreus pulls himself back, laughing again and saying, “I know, but I need to breathe.”

“Breathe quickly,” Thanatos says shortly.

Zagreus giggles, almost, and Thanatos gazes up at him in awe. His cheeks are flushed, his hair in a beginning state of disarray, and he’s smiling, and his eyes are so, so beautiful, and Thanatos thinks it’s possible that the emotion in those eyes might just be love.

His hands, draped now over Zagreus’ shoulders, start to form into fists so that he doesn’t tell Zagreus he loves him.

He doesn’t have to, he realizes midway through the action, and starts to grin again. He can say it and it will be okay, and Zagreus might even say it back.

“I love you,” he says, reverent, hands instead smoothing over Zagreus’ sides, up to his shoulders again, to his face to trace the edges of his smile. “Beyond what I am capable of expressing in words.”

Zagreus looks like the air is punched out of him a moment, but then he takes Thanatos’ wandering fingers and presses a kiss to each one of them. “I think those words are more than enough,” he says, kissing each palm and then pressing the hands to his face again. The tenderness in his face slips away, replaced with a devious expression. “But you could also kiss me again.”

“I’d have to be more stupid than _you—_ ” Thanatos says in an attempted echo of Zagreus’ earlier words, but he’s cut off by Zagreus launching himself forward to kiss him.

“I love you too,” he murmurs against his lips somewhere in there. “You ass.”

And Thanatos kisses him again, and then they don’t need any more words at all. At least not for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (reading up on proper first aid for mild head injuries in my confession chapter) this is how it is done, is it not....
> 
> speaking of first aid, the 'what year is it' question and my response to it was just me making a dumb fourth wall joke because ive never said what year it is in this fic, and frankly i did not Want to, because then i'd have to make it 2020 and then, i mean, everything about this year???? anyway yes ignore my dumb joke its not even the first time ive done it lol //a certified dumbass
> 
> but it's finally here! there are a number of loose ends to wrap up, and the smut chapter i'll almost certainly do (i don't think it'll be next chapter, but likely within the next handful of chapters?) but we are gettin into the home stretch here. i'd update the chapter count if i weren't certain i would immediately prove myself wrong, as with this 'oneshot' -kicks self in the ass-


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: innuendo, death mention, medical mention, possible sacrilege?

“I keep wondering how I missed it,” Zagreus says after some time, no longer within kissing distance but still stroking Thanatos’ hair like he has to be touching some part of him to be reminded this is real.

(Thanatos can relate. His hands are on Zagreus’ shoulders, thumbs rubbing slow circles into the base of his neck.)

“It?”

“That you felt the same.” His smile is shy and wonderful. “I’m going through everything in my mind. We were both rather obvious, don’t you think?”

“I was trying not to be,” Thanatos mutters, slightly affronted for no good reason. Zagreus raises his eyebrows, and Thanatos sighs and slumps back in the bed, hooking his hands behind Zagreus’ neck so that Zagreus crashes down with him, laughing.

“You beast. Having your way with me already?”

Thanatos pauses, brain conjuring vivid images of what having his way with Zagreus might entail, and looks away. “Not quite yet.”

Zagreus might mumble something like, “Pity.” Thanatos can’t think too deeply about that. They’re having a conversation, and he shouldn’t interrupt things by tearing off Zagreus’ clothes. Also, in fairness, his head is starting to pound, and he’d rather not pass in the middle of their first time.

Which he is also not going to think about. The first time, not the passing. Both.

“Uh,” he says, realizing he’s gone silent with Zagreus looking, questioning, at him. “What I was going to say is that I suppose I can admit that the, ah, late night cuddling and such, that might not have been me at my most subtle.”

Zagreus snorts, righting himself in Thanatos’ arms and grinning down at him. “When it comes to it, I suppose me telling you I loved you last night wasn’t me at my most subtle either.”

Thanatos frowns, then says, suddenly realizing, “Wait, every time you told me you loved me…”

“Yeah. I told you it was just as best friends because, well.” He shrugs awkwardly with one shoulder. “But it let me say it when _not_ saying it became too much to bear.”

“Clever,” Thanatos muses. “I mean, you were lying—”

Zagreus scowls. “I wasn’t lying! We’re still best friends even now, aren’t we? I was just withholding part of the truth.”

“Mm.” Thanatos raises his head to give him a short kiss. “Don’t worry. It’s not as though I wasn’t doing the same thing.”

This mollifies him somewhat, and he sighs, resting his head against Thanatos’ chest. “God, it feels so good being able to be fully honest, though.”

“It does.” Thanatos drops another kiss on his head. “I had never really even imagined being honest and…still having you. Much less like this.”

“You thought I’d just walk?” Zagreus asks incredulously, peeking up at him.

“Not necessarily, but I thought things would be different. I thought you might feel bad about not being able to reciprocate and create some distance.”

“Not being able to,” Zagreus snorts, head going back down to nudge Thanatos’ shoulder. “What about you would keep me from being _able_ to reciprocate?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you vowed at birth to never date people with white hair.”

“Ah yes, the infamous baby vows. How oft have they broken apart would-be soulmates.”

Thanatos’ heart flutters at the word ‘soulmate’ coming from him, even if he’s just joking.

“Maybe you couldn’t stand the thought of dating an 8 when you’re only a very high 7.”

Zagreus pinches Thanatos’ hip. “You’re full of shit.”

“Fine, you’re an 8.”

“I’m a 10 and that’s the only reason you love me.”

Thanatos gives a tragic sigh. “And yet I, as an 11—” Zagreus pinches him harder. “Fine, fine! You’re much hotter than me.” His joking tone evens out as he says, “And it’s far from the only reason I love you.”

“Aw. You charmer.” Zagreus won’t show his face, still, but the tips of his ears are pink, and Thanatos runs a fascinated finger along them and down the shell, all the way down to his neck. Zagreus shivers, and Thanatos has to take a deep breath.

He’s still not thinking about it. Not even if Zagreus might shiver like that if he—

To distract himself, he says, “In all seriousness, I think I just told myself it could never happen so much that I never acknowledged any evidence or thoughts that it could. I didn’t think about what might keep you from reciprocating because I had gotten myself to the point where you not reciprocating was simply a fact, and I built everything else around it.”

Zagreus hums thoughtfully. “I guess that makes sense. I’m probably not too much different. I wasn’t even entirely certain you were interested in anybody.”

“I told you I was gay in high school, didn’t I?”

Zagreus chuckles. “You said you 'supposed you were gay, maybe, or something like that’. I agonized over that for weeks.”

“Ah.” Thanatos barely even remembers it. “Well, saying I were Zagreussexual might have given away the game a bit.”

“Would’ve saved some time,” Zagreus says, but he’s looking up at him again and beaming, so he doesn’t seem peeved about it at least.

Thanatos looks at him, lips quirking up, then looks at his position—sort of half-bent over from sitting on the edge of the bed. “That can’t be too comfortable. You could just get in under the covers with me.”

Zagreus’ cheeks color this time, and he says, “No, I think this might be better.”

“What, for wrecking your back?”

Zagreus coughs, the color only intensifying. “Well…more like, uh, I think if we’re closer it might be harder for…me to…keep from thinking about…I mean, it’s not like I would ever, not without your consent, and you’re sick anyway, and—”

Thanatos tries to decipher his meaning from the rush of words, and he blushes himself when he does. “Oh. Like…”

“Yeah.”

“I mean, I’m…” God, he can’t believe he’s saying this. “Also. That.”

“Oh. Oh?” Zagreus starts to smile, then looks to the side. “Well…”

“But since, ah…my head…”

“No, of course, of course.”

They both sit there, not making eye contact and red in the face, and of course that’s when Zagreus’ mother opens the door.

“Not until he’s cleared for business,” she says brusquely.

Thanatos stops breathing. Zagreus chokes and starts coughing. She observes them, blinking slowly, then says, “Right.”

“We weren’t _going_ to,” Zagreus says. Thanatos catches him crossing his fingers behind his back and wraps his hand around those fingers, using his other hand to hide a smile.

“Uh-huh.” Persephone squints at them. “Well, as long as you know. On that note, how are you, Thanatos?”

She checks him over, changes the bandage on his head just to be safe, and then nods at them both. “I’ll be back in later to check again. Just so you’re aware.”

“Thank you.” She leaves, and Zagreus collapses on Thanatos again.

“Tell me she doesn’t know,” Zagreus says dully.

“I thought we were being honest now.”

Zagreus groans into Thanatos’ shirt. “I don’t want her to know I’m having sex!”

“Presently? Are you? I hadn’t noticed.”

“ _Ever!”_

Thanatos pats his back consolingly, even though this really isn’t helping him not think about it. “I mean, her issue seemed to lie more with the timing than the act.”

“Nooo,” Zagreus moans theatrically.

“How old are you again?”

“If Ma were here you’d be freaking out too,” he says mulishly.

Thanatos is freaking out a bit nonetheless, but he’s better at hiding it if it means it’ll help him needle Zagreus. “Certainly. She isn’t, though.”

“You suck,” Zagreus mumbles.

“You’d have to ask much nicer first.”

He shoots up and gives him a betrayed look. Thanatos grins wickedly in return.

“How dare you,” he says.

“But you’re not thinking about your mother anymore, are you?”

Zagreus shoves him, but he eventually says, “No. But fuck y—”

He stops when he sees Thanatos’ grin widening even further and shoves him again.

They pass the rest of the day like that, just talking and comparing stories from this whole side of their lives they had gone so long without sharing with one another. They steal kisses here and there, though with the unspoken—and sometimes spoken—agreement that they not go too far. The thoughts they’re both pressing back simmer between them, an undercurrent to their playful conversation, and Zagreus was right that it doesn’t get much easier when he finally consents and climbs into bed properly with Thanatos. But they hold back still, and truthfully Thanatos is still reeling from the thought that any holding back is a mutual thing, so waiting is probably a good idea regardless.

When the sunset comes, Zagreus’ mother prohibits going out to the cliff to watch it—she’s not risking his footing being less sure today, especially not when it’s not always the surest to begin with—but they watch it from the back porch, sitting as close to one another as they can manage. When the stars eventually come out, Zagreus exhales.

“I wish all days could be like this.”

“Beginning with head trauma?”

“You should consider not saying the things you say sometimes,” Zagreus says archly, though Thanatos knows he’s joking. “No, just…”

“I know what you mean.” He’s quiet a moment. “But they can’t, right?”

“You always know how to lighten up a conversation,” Zagreus mutters.

“Not every day is going to be just you and me alone in a house on the mountain away from everything, is all I mean. There’s still a lot to figure out.”

Zagreus huffs. “Than, of course there is. There’s _always_ going to be a lot to figure out. But the most important part of today wasn’t being alone, not that we were anyway, or being on a house on a mountain or being away from everything. The most important part of today is that I had you.”

Thanatos nods after a moment, and pulls Zagreus over to kiss his head again. “You’re right.”

“It happens sometimes,” Zagreus says, relaxing against Thanatos’ side. “We’ve managed to get through everything so far. And now I get to kiss you, which means I can do basically anything.”

Thanatos snorts, starting to relax again as well. “A boon I was previously unaware my kisses granted.”

“Just today, whenever you looked away I’ve slain monsters. A bunch of ghosts, this big-ass Hydra. God.”

“God’s a monster?” Thanatos inquires mildly.

“Sure.”

“That seems sacrilegious somehow, but I suppose I should thank you. My hero. Or something,” Thanatos drawls, kissing Zagreus on the corner of his lips, then course-correcting and catching him on the mouth.

“You could stand to be more enthusiastic in my praise,” Zagreus says, already sounding a bit breathless.

“I’ll do my best, then,” Thanatos says, low, kissing him soundly.

(Until Zagreus detaches himself a while longer, whining, “Than, I’m going to insist you be less sexy until tomorrow, at _least_.”

And Thanatos chuckles and says, “I’ll do my best,” and doesn’t.

They’ll still make it to tomorrow one way or another, after all—haven’t they managed to get through everything so far?—and this way is substantially more fun.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im very sorry. this chapter is just all banter. i've been very tired since yesterday but i wanted to get something up at least, and banter is easy. i apologize for there not being any plot as a result, and instead just a lot of them being ooc shitheads
> 
> if u cant tell im not feeling terribly confident about... (gestures) but some days are just days! i hope nonetheless u can get some small enjoyment out of this


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: food mention, medical mention, mention of suicidal ideation, some kind of self-ableism about chronic illness, low self-esteem/insecurity, therapy mention, indirect mention of emotionally abusive home situation, innuendo

It’s later in the evening. Thanatos and Zagreus have conceded to the evening chill and come back inside, where Zagreus’ mother is waiting with dinner.

“As promised,” she says. “Nobody other than myself has had my cooking in a while, though. I hope it’s all right.”

“I’m sure it is,” Thanatos says, still giddy off the energy of Zagreus’ kisses. “Or else knock me on the head and hope to die.”

Zagreus and Persephone both simultaneously fix him with unblinking stares.

“No?”

“Definitely no,” Zagreus says with a scowl.

“It was a stretch,” Persephone agrees delicately. “And maybe a bit soon.”

“Apologies.” He deflates under the awkward atmosphere. “Ah…food?”

The food is excellent, and he praises Persephone effusively and does not mention his head once, nor any variety of hoping to die. Like this, with good food and good conversation, and with Zagreus next to him holding his hand under the table, it is easy to forget the hollow place even exists.

For now, anyway.

At some point, Persephone brings back up her friend with similar symptoms to Thanatos, and tells him the name of her disorder and offers her friend’s phone number if he has questions. He does have questions, many of them, but he decides to ask those questions to a search engine for the time being.

When the dishes are all cleaned up and they retire for the evening—Thanatos and Zagreus to his room for another ‘slumber party’—Thanatos is still frowning at his phone, scrolling through article after article.

“What’s wrong?” Zagreus asks quietly, shifting in the bed to put his head on Thanatos’ shoulder, peeking at his phone screen. “Doesn’t sound right?”

“Sounds exactly right,” Thanatos murmurs. “But it also sounds like…if it’s this…there’s no…” He tries to find a way to put word to the worries swirling in his head. “There’s a lot of uncertainty. About the degree to which medication will help. About when it will go away. About…if.”

And there’s the salient point. Thanatos has kept going—albeit badly—thinking that something would be figured out, and then he’d have some potentially painful or irritating treatment to go through, but then he would be done. Better. All ready to go back into the workforce. And if he’s not _better,_ he’s not sure what the hell he’s supposed to be. Or…who, really.

Zagreus moves his head to drop a kiss on Thanatos’ clavicle, nuzzling closer. “I’m sorry. I’m sure that’s difficult to hear.”

Under the blanket, Thanatos’ fingers press towards his palm.

“But we’ll figure it out one way or another, right? Even if you’re not working. Or maybe you can find something to do from home, or…” Zagreus gives a small shrug. “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know either,” Thanatos whispers. “I don’t know what I am if I can’t be useful.”

He’s not entirely certain he meant to speak that out loud, and even less so when Zagreus stills against him. But then Zagreus says, sounding more confused than angry, “I mean, that’s bullshit.”

Thanatos doesn’t say anything.

“You’re just Thanatos. You’re not Thanatos the actuary, or Thanatos the…anything. You’re not defined by what you _do._ And anyway, you’re hardly useful just because you’re working. You’re useful to me by being here right now, yes? By being next to me. Talking to me. Letting me kiss you.” He drags himself upwards and kisses Thanatos as if to prove his point.

After, he stares at him with a beautiful intensity. “And even if you weren’t useful for reasons that have nothing to do with work, that wouldn’t mean anything. You don’t have to be useful to exist. You exist, and that…that’s just enough. Just that by itself. You don’t have to prove you’re worthy of being here. You just are.”

Thanatos considers this. It sounds right, but at the same time, just because something is right doesn’t mean it’s easy to parse. Knowing and believing can be two very different things, and often are for him.

He knows he’s trying his best in this situation, for example, and still doesn’t believe it one bit.

“We can work on it,” Zagreus says, with another kiss to his cheek. “And…Than, I know your mom said you weren’t interested in therapy, but…”

“I wasn’t interested in therapy for an anxiety issue I didn’t believe I had,” he corrects. “For this…” Well, before coming here he might have still said he didn’t want to talk about this either, but now that the seal has been broken that feels a bit hypocritical. “Maybe.”

“I’ll take a maybe tonight.” One more kiss, back on his lips. “We’ll work it out. Promise.”

That Zagreus is willing to promise such a thing with such certainty when things are far from certain is one of the things Thanatos loves about him, he supposes. Especially given that Zagreus is in such an unstable situation himself. Still always trying to cheer Thanatos up even when he’s hurting.

“I have an idea,” Thanatos says in a response that will presumably seem completely unrelated. “Or, I’ve had an idea.”

Zagreus huffs a small laugh, but allows the subject change. “Oh?”

“I’ve been thinking about how to get you away from your father but still…well, with me.” He pauses. “Presuming you still want that. Still in the city. If you were to so desire.”

“You were right the first time,” Zagreus says amusedly. “Go on, then.”

“I’ll admit it’s not as solid an idea as I might prefer, as preface—” Zagreus rolls his eyes with a hint of a smile and motions to continue. “But I think it’s probably preferable to a felony charge.”

“I’d imagine. I don’t need convincing, love.”

Thanatos’ mind stops right in its tracks at the pet name, and he clears his throat. “Um.”

“Sorry, was that too much?” He thinks Zagreus might be able to tell it wasn’t, though, because he’s grinning.

“Just very…distracting.”

“I don’t think I dislike that I can distract you.” Zagreus runs his hands along Thanatos’ shoulder. “So you were saying.”

“I…right.” It’s not as though Thanatos hasn’t had an idle fantasy or several of what pet names he might call Zagreus himself, but he personally is far too embarrassed to try any of them out this early. Zagreus has always been much bolder.

Plus, he’s a little shit.

“So what I was thinking is, that information you’ve gathered is still valuable to your father and his company, and it’s still evidence that you’re good at this sort of thing—at gathering information, at talking to people.” Thanatos taps his fingers on his thigh as he talks, getting more excited as he goes. “I’m almost certain we can use it to get you a job. Doing something similar, I hope, something that can still stimulate you intellectually but allow you to move freely—”

“You want to stimulate me?” Zagreus says. He’s smirking, but there’s something off under the expression. Thanatos’ brows furrow.

“We…can think of something else, if you’d like, of course,” he says hesitantly. “Something more to your liking.”

“No! No, I like this. You’re right that it was fun talking to all those people.” His smile still seems a bit forced, but Thanatos can’t for the life of him figure out why. He doesn’t seem to be lying about that last part.

“Well, it’s up to you…”

“Let’s do it.” He rolls half on to Thanatos and kisses him, sultrier than his last few kisses, and Thanatos reciprocates, but he’s still frowning afterwards.

“No?” Zagreus asks, wilting a bit.

“No! I mean…yes…Zagreus, you’re _trying_ to distract me now.”

Zagreus’ smile is softer now, more genuine. “A little. I just don’t really want to think about him anymore. Please? Distract me?”

“That sounds dangerously like a request that might edge into troublesome territory.”

Zagreus’ responding grin is as troublesome as it gets. “I have full confidence in your restraint. Or else knock you on the head and hope to die, as I believe the expression was.”

“You’re holding a grudge about that?” Thanatos asks disbelievingly.

“I don’t hold grudges,” Zagreus says sweetly, which they both know is absolutely not true. “Now come on, loverboy. If you don’t kiss me now I’ll have to knock you on the head, and then we’ll have to wait another day to have sex.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Thanatos protests. “Also, I’m going to have to say no to loverboy. That one is awful.”

“So what are you going to do about it?” Zagreus murmurs, lowering himself down further, closer to Thanatos’ mouth.

“That one was awful too,” Thanatos says breathily, and he knows he’s probably being distracted still—at least a little—but Zagreus is so close and so beautiful and Thanatos, personally, has almost no confidence in his restraint.

So fuck it, he supposes. They can get back to the other thing later.

For now, he winds his hand into Zagreus’ hair and pulls him down to him, and they both stay _very_ distracted for some time thereafter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just startin to wrap up some plotlines here mostly. plottier than the last chapter, though. i wanted to thank y'all for your kindness in the last chapter (and throughout this fic!), i really appreciated the reassurances & i apologize for that whole thing. if, uh, if it weren't clear, i am projectin' on than quite a bit here! so sometimes, well. :P anyway anyway, thank you very much, you are all gems
> 
> speaking of projection--again i'm not EXPLICITLY saying what thanatos has is POTS here, but POTS is definitely a tricky thing to treat. it varies between cases in severity, ease of treatment, and duration. in my case, i'm bedridden most the day, but some other folks have fainting spells when they get up which i don't have, and some others can actually get through the day pretty ok if they're careful! or medicine & careful practices might let them be up and about, but medicine basically just lets me be up for longer than 10 minutes without symptoms and keeps me from having convulsions when i'm careful u_u and some folks get sick for a year or less, some for years and years. i'm runnin on 2.5 personally. anyway all this just to say as a quick psa/sidenote thing, just like a reminder that everybody has different situations and you can't mark everybody by the same ruler! goes for everybody with chronic illnesses, goes for everybody with any disability, goes for everybody period. look i know i sound like some sanctimonious ass sayin this but just be careful and be kind! all of you guys already are so i'm sure it's chill, but eh. i never said i'm _not_ a sanctimonious ass.
> 
> on a story-er note, there is a relatively good chance next chapter is when i'll take the dive and do smut. i mention this not as spoilers but because smut in particular is very difficult for me to write lol--so much choreography and so few sexy words, ugh--so if it takes longer than the two days i've been tryin' for thus far, that's...probably why! i don't expect it to take months or anything, but over two days is very possible. if you need proof of life i will probably be complaining on my twitter same as always lol. anyway see ya next time round either way!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING!** this is a smut chapter! if you do not want to read explicit material, this chapter is fully skippable; nothing plotty happens in it. additional warning: it's very...very long! like 10k words (as opposed to the normal chapters' 1.5-2k) i condensed everything so that it could be all in one skippable chapter but that means it might be longer than you are used to, please don't wear yourself out u_u 
> 
> cws for this chapter: apart from the smut, should just be food mention, some insecurity...i guess...unsanitary? in the way that sex...tends to be lol, discussion about prior relationships

From the moment Thanatos and Zagreus wake up in the morning, exchanging soft smiles and kisses that grow deeper, to the time they get out to eat breakfast and have Persephone check over Thanatos’ head, some unvoiced understanding vibrates between them, like an undercurrent to the air that wraps around everything. Thanatos feels like a bit of a pervert waiting so excitedly to have sex with Zagreus when their confession was only yesterday, but it’s somewhat of a comfort knowing Zagreus is just as excited. His gaze on Thanatos is so heated while Persephone asks Thanatos questions about how he’s feeling that he almost feels dirty being in the same room as Zagreus’ mother.

“I think you should be all right,” she finally says, dusting off her knees and standing up. “But be careful, okay? No more dashing around the kitchen.”

“Yes, ma’a—Seph.”

“I wonder if I’ll get used to you calling me ma’am sooner than you convince yourself it’s fine to call me by my nickname,” she says mildly. “Now with that, I’m off. I’m going down to town for, oh, let’s say till dinnertime.”

Thanatos chokes on air. He and Zagreus share panicked looks. Zagreus says, “Uh, you don’t need—”

“No, I think I do.” She smiles. “Let’s not discuss it.”

“But—”

“Really. Let’s not discuss it.” Her tone is final as she gathers up some things from the counter, keys and some reusable shopping bags, and heads for the door to put on her shoes. “Any requests from the grocery store?”

“I do actually have a list,” Thanatos says faintly. “I thought I might make, um…I’d make…” Being confronted with Zagreus’ mother so openly addressing their…plans, if indirectly, is shorting out his brain more than he’d anticipated. Not that he’d anticipated this.

“You can text it to me. Zagreus has my number.” She waves on her way out the door. “Be safe!”

There’s silence a long while after she leaves. Eventually, Zagreus says, sounding dazed, “I would have preferred that not happened.”

Equally dazed, Thanatos says, “I need to text her my grocery list.”

“Aren’t there more important things?”

“I’m distracting myself. Also, I want to make curry tonight.”

“Kickass.”

Broken from his reverie, Thanatos snorts, looking at Zagreus. “You sound ridiculous.”

“You look beautiful.”

Thanatos stops again, mouth gaping open. Zagreus is smiling fondly at him. “I—what?”

“I realized I never said it. When you were joking about being an 11 or whatever and you said I was hot, I never told you how gorgeous you are.”

Thanatos blinks repeatedly, flustered. “You…if you’re trying to seduce me, you don’t need to. I’m already…” Yours, he thinks, but that’s too cheesy for him even if it’s true. “Seduced,” he says instead, and blushes anyway.

“That’s not what this is about,” Zagreus murmurs, coming closer and then bending down to trace the outline of Thanatos’ face with his hand, still with that same peaceful smile. “I just thought you should know. You’re so beautiful, Thanatos.”

Thanatos’ eyes close despite himself, and he finds himself leaning slightly into Zagreus’ hand. “You’re so full of shit,” he mumbles.

“Yes. But not about this.” Thanatos feels soft lips press to his, just a whisper, before withdrawing.

It’s a nothing of a kiss, chaste almost, but in combination with the sparks since yesterday, it sets something in his chest alight into a smolder. “Why are you leaving?” he asks quietly. “I told you. I’m already…I’m right here. Aren’t I?”

Zagreus’ voice is filled with a kind of awe that Thanatos recognizes all too well, because he feels its echoes in his own soul whenever he sees Zagreus by his side. “You are, aren’t you.”

His eyelids feel heavy when he drags them open to look steadily at Zagreus. “So do something about it.”

“You were right again,” Zagreus breathes. “That’s an awful line.”

“Of course it is,” Thanatos acknowledges, pulling Zagreus down until, with a stumble, he’s sitting on Thanatos’ lap with their chests together. “Is that really the salient point right now?”

“I thought you were going to…the grocery list…” Zagreus’ eyes are on Thanatos’ lips, clearly indicating that he doesn’t give much of a shit about the grocery list.

But since he brought it up. Thanatos sighs exaggeratedly and pulls out his phone, a devious part of him enjoying Zagreus’ visible panic when he actually takes him up on his reminder. “If you insist.”

“Uh—I mean you don’t…have to—”

“No, you’re right. Why sex when, instead, groceries?”

“I mean I wasn’t thinking of them as mutually exclusive—”

“No, let’s dig down deep into this idea. Meal prepping is so popular nowadays. I can create a grocery list for the next month. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail, as Benjamin Franklin said!”

“You just have an appropriate Benjamin Franklin quote memorized?” Zagreus demands peevishly.

“No, asshat,” Thanatos responds, calm, showing his screen. “I Googled ‘preparation quotes’. And before that, I sent your mother the grocery list.” He smiles serenely. “I prepared it last night, and you gave me your mother’s number yesterday in case I died while you weren’t present. Aren’t you grateful for old Ben Franklin now?”

“Not particularly, but thank fuck,” Zagreus growls, going for Thanatos’ mouth, but Thanatos stops him with a finger and a pretend frown.

“Oh, so you’ll thank fuck and not Ben—”

Zagreus takes his finger into his mouth and sucks it, keeping eye contact the whole time.

Thanatos thinks he stops the squeak from coming out, but he’s honestly not entirely certain. “Um.”

“You know I enjoy our conversations,” Zagreus says, releasing his finger with a purposeful pop. “But right now I think there’s something we might both enjoy more.”

“You might not have brought up the groceries in the first place when we were having a moment, then,” Thanatos says petulantly.

Zagreus grins, and it is fiery and bright and wonderful, and if Thanatos is beautiful then Zagreus is exquisite beyond measure or comprehension. “My apologies. Forgive me?”

“Just this once,” Thanatos says, and kisses the grin from his lips.

A small blessing, perhaps: the shock of Persephone and their interlude of conversation has enabled things to start slow, as opposed to how they may have been had they been permitted to go at things right after waking. Thanatos says blessing because he is, at least in some respects, a romantic. Romantic of course does not preclude things being fumbling and frantic, and he suspects they’ll get there at some point, but it does mean that on the off times he had shamefully thought of what their first time could be like, he thought of things soft and sweet first. Treating Zagreus like he deserves, he had thought, before banishing the thought along with everything else relating to him because of course he of all people would never be able to provide what Zagreus _deserves._

(Today, too, he shoves the thought away. Deserving or not, Zagreus seems to want him right now.)

Zagreus’ hands smooth down Thanatos’ back, thumbs edging just under his shirt to rub circles into the place where his skin dimples. “It feels like I’ve been waiting forever for this,” he murmurs against Thanatos’ lips, “And also like it’s been this way forever. With you. Does that make sense?”

“Yes,” Thanatos says, but does not elaborate as he slides his hands up Zagreus’ shirt, up his back and then around to his hips. Zagreus’ eyes close, lashes brushing against Thanatos’ cheeks. “Speaking of waiting,” Thanatos adds blithely. “I’ve dreamed about getting a hand on you like this since you started sleeping shirtless.”

Zagreus laughs breathlessly. “Why do you think I did it?”

Thanatos’ mouth drops open. “No.”

“I hoped that if you saw me like that you’d—I don’t know, jump on me and ravish me until dawn.”

“My self control is very good,” Thanatos says, which is normally something he prides himself in, but at this moment he’s feeling he could’ve stood to be less restrained. “Is the offer still open?” He punctuates it with a squeeze to Zagreus’ hips.

“Always,” Zagreus says, smiling and kissing the corner of Thanatos’ lips. “As long as I’m allowed to ravish you in return.”

“Depends on the evening,” Thanatos mumbles, now feeling rather distracted by the possibilities and by his hands’ roaming up the front of Zagreus’ shirt to brush across his nipples. Zagreus inhales and lets his head drop to Thanatos’ shoulder, then presses a kiss there, to his neck, to the back of his ear. Thanatos hisses; he hadn’t known his ear was sensitive but, well, apparently so.

“Why does it depend?”

Thanatos takes a moment to collect his thoughts, lightly running his hands up and down Zagreus’ abdomen, almost a tickle with how Zagreus shivers. “Sometimes I’ll want to just have my way with you, don’t you think? Have you lay there while I take you apart. Tell you how lovely you are. You won’t be able to touch me, only listen…and feel.”

When Zagreus next speaks, his voice is raspy. “I have no idea how you can say that like it’s something I’m supposed to just know already. Sun’s a star, grass is green, Thanatos has a thing for body worship.”

“I have a thing for you.”

“Bad line,” Zagreus gasps out after Thanatos kisses his way to Zagreus’ throat and gently nips at it.

“I know. But true.” Thanatos can feel Zagreus starting to harden against his crotch—not that he’s any better off—and it nearly takes his breath away just to think of it. He almost feels as though it might be easier to pretend this is a dream just so that he can move forward, even if it means spouting all these embarrassing lines. But his dreams are always so hazy, and everything about this moment stands out in stark detail. He couldn’t dream feeling like this.

“I have a request,” Zagreus whispers into his ear. The breath makes him shudder, and he bites a bit harder in retribution. Zagreus’ breathy moan in his ear is enough to make him think he could go his whole life just with that and always be satisfied—or maybe not, maybe he’ll never be able to have enough of Zagreus after this, maybe he’ll always be looking to touch him, to kiss him, to hear him. He doesn’t really mind.

“Mm?” Thanatos makes a noise, nuzzling his nose against Zagreus’ shoulder, then kissing it distractedly.

“You could at least pretend you were listening,” Zagreus says, on some combination of a chuckle and an inhale. “My request. Could we take this into the bedroom?”

“Here is doing rather well so far, in my opinion.”

Zagreus shoves his shoulder. “Here will be doing less well when the kitchen smells like sex and you have to explain why we fucked in a place where people make food.”

Thanatos pauses, then jokes, “Febreze?”

Zagreus shoves him harder, laughing into his chest. “No Febreze, dickface, and don’t you dare make a dick joke from just now either. Bed. Comfort. Lying down so that you don’t pass out in the middle of things.”

Thanatos hums. “I suppose ‘things’ does sound good also.”

“Things sounds _amazing,”_ Zagreus purrs, pressing down just slightly so that their cocks brush against one another through the fabric of their clothes. Thanatos takes a deep breath and pulls from his deep wells of self-restraint, which seem to be rather dry at the moment, to avoid from bucking back up against him and not stopping until they’ve both come in their pants.

“Menace,” he mumbles, and pushes Zagreus off his lap.

Zagreus stands in front of him, smile gone fond again, and reaches out his hand to pull him up. “Follow me?”

It’s so silly of him to ask that Thanatos finds himself smiling too, shaking his head and letting himself be pulled. “That was never in question.”

And anyway, the good news about following him is he gets to watch Zagreus’ ass as they go. Maybe not good for the aforementioned wells, but excellent for his mood about cooperating.

It’s not exactly a long walk over to his bedroom, and Thanatos could say something like ‘but it felt like an eternity’ but really that would be a ridiculous exaggeration. The eternity was every moment up to this point, while the walk is, like, a minute tops. They don’t stop to kiss, or anything; Zagreus can be very goal-oriented when he so chooses, and Thanatos chooses to be goal-oriented whenever possible. It’s a quick process.

That said, Thanatos will admit when Zagreus gets his mouth on him as soon as they’re through Thanatos’ door, it does feel rather like it’s been too long since he’s done so. It’s one of the first kisses they’ve had today that Thanatos could probably say is firmly past the realm of the romantic, with Zagreus’ hands at the hair at the base of Thanatos’ neck and his tongue swiping past Thanatos’ lips, and Thanatos has to blink several times when it’s through before he can gather his wits.

When he does, he accuses, “You were the one who said bed.”

“Technically, I said bedroom and then I said bed,” Zagreus says smugly, or as smugly as he can manage looking at Thanatos’ lips like it’s a criminal act they’re not on him somewhere. “And technically, _I’m_ not the one who’s been _purposely_ riling me up ever since my mother left the front doorstep. I mean, fuck, it’s almost like you’re a different person. A sex demon, perhaps, sent to drag me to Hell.”

“Thought it might be nice to have company,” Thanatos says lightly, averting his eyes as his cheeks heat. He’s certainly been…forward. It hadn’t quite occurred to him yet to be embarrassed about it, given this is a mutual thing between them, but it’s certainly occurring to him now.

“No, no, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing,” Zagreus rushes to say, smoothing the hands in Thanatos’ hair down his neck and along his shoulders. “Not at all. No complaints. To the contrary, really, I was just explaining why I…” He sighs and puts his head down on Thanatos’ shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m not used to this sort of thing.”

It’s not really fair of him, but Thanatos still whispers, “More used to it than me.”

There’s a moment, and Thanatos worries he might have just ruined everything, but then Zagreus says, “But never with you.” His hands start moving again, along Thanatos’ arms. “I didn’t, uh…realize…I wasn’t sure that you knew about me and Meg.”

He’d known about him and Meg as soon as their fling started, from hints of marks left on Zagreus’ skin, from how awkward he acted around Thanatos after, how he would never make eye contact when they were all together. Thanatos had been in an absolute state over it for weeks. Really until it ended.

Thanatos suddenly feels that the bed decision was a good decision, because he’d really like to be hiding under the covers at exactly this moment, or maybe hiding a minute ago before he mentioned any of this.

But Zagreus holds him tight, looks at him closely. “Are you…mad at me? About that.”

Thanatos scoffs. “I’m not _mad_ that you had a girlfriend.”

“More like friends with benefits,” Zagreus murmurs, cheeks pinking slightly.

He waves his hands. “Sure, that. It was years ago, and I hadn’t even confessed, much less staked any sort of claim over exclusivity with you.”

“But you’re something,” Zagreus says, because unfortunately he knows Thanatos very well.

“We could be doing the things we were doing before,” Thanatos suggests, a bit desperately.

“Than, I think it would be better to get this out of the way before we get into…you know.”

Thanatos makes a frustrated noise. “Let the record show this is not sexy at all.”

“The record so shows,” Zagreus says, a hint of a smile quirking his lips. He holds Thanatos’ hands. “Talk to me?”

Thanatos frowns, and ekes out, “Jealous. All right?”

Zagreus nods slowly. “Of me?”

“Dumbass. Of _her._ She had you, and I didn’t. I know you’re no possession to be fought over or coveted, but I was jealous. Can we end the conversation there?”

Zagreus is like a dog with a bone sometimes, and he persists, “Are you still jealous?”

“Oh my God!”

“I just don’t want—”

“Maybe a little? Maybe I mostly don’t want to think about someone else fucking you when you’re supposed to be in bed with me!”

Zagreus is silent again, and Thanatos winces. “I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re right it’s…if we’re going to talk about it, maybe now isn’t the best time. I wouldn’t like to think of someone else with you at this exact moment either. But I love you?” He asks it more than says it, looking a bit uncertain all of a sudden, which is just really a kick in the dick.

“I love you too.”

Zagreus kisses Thanatos’ knuckles on both hands, then says, “Out of curiosity, have you ever?”

Thanatos groans, ripping his hands away from Zagreus and turning to go into the bed. “Going back to sleep sounds increasingly appealing.” It doesn’t actually, it’s the morning and he’s just barely woken up, but he is a bit fed up right now.

“No,” Zagreus says, almost whines, really. He wraps his arms around Thanatos from the back. “I don’t need to know, and it’s fine either way. I’m sorry.”

Thanatos sighs. “No.”

“Are you…rejecting my apology?”

“No. I’m saying no, I haven’t…ever.” He’s never wanted to with anybody other than Zagreus, but that’s an ego boost he’s not willing to grant at this particular moment.

Zagreus’ arms tighten around him, and his voice goes a bit lower. “No, huh? I find that hard to believe.”

Thanatos considers exploding a brief second. “Are you _serious—_ ”

“ _Because,”_ Zagreus continues insistently, “I can’t imagine anyone seeing you and not wanting you.”

Thanatos’ nose wrinkles before he says, “Zagreus, ‘everybody thinks you’re fuckable and it is therefore surprising that you have not fucked’ is not the line you clearly think it was.”

“…That’s fair,” Zagreus concedes, a bit dejectedly. “I thought you might think it was funny.”

“Not particularly.”

“Shit.” Zagreus blows a raspberry. “Well, this is a bit of a bust, huh.”

“Told you the chair was better,” Thanatos says, attempting to lighten things somewhat.

“We can go back,” Zagreus offers, pressing a small smile against Thanatos’ neck.

“Don’t be disgusting. People eat there, I’m told.”

Zagreus laughs, the movement shaking Thanatos in his arms. “God. I really do love you. You know that, right? Even when I fuck things up like this?”

“I think I fucked things up first,” Thanatos says, turning in Zagreus’ arms. “And I really do love you too.”

Zagreus kisses him sweetly, smiling still. “Good.”

“Unrelated, and not a line, I need to lie down.”

“Mm. I think I can help with that, and that is definitely a line.”

Thanatos shakes his head, but his lips are quirking. “Stupid, but a bit better, I suppose.”

“Thank you very much,” Zagreus says, walking them both backwards and then collapsing on top of Thanatos.

“Come on, you lug,” Thanatos grunts, trying to move himself to the pillow and get his legs onto the bed. “Thought you said you’d help.”

“I’m helping,” Zagreus protests, but he moves them, arranging them so that they’re both on their sides and he’s grinning at Thanatos with his arm draped over his hip. “I think I was right in the first place. You look lovely in a bed.”

Thanatos rolls his eyes, but his mood is lightening already. “Whoever taught you these lines should be punished.”

“Google,” Zagreus says, and kisses him. “You can punish me if you want.”

Thanatos shoves him, and kisses back, smile growing. “ _So_ stupid.”

The kisses start out lazy and playful, all languid movement and tiny nips before they dive back in, but it doesn’t take all that long for it to reach the level of heat they had managed when they first got to the bedroom. Zagreus kisses him hungry and deep, his feet roaming hot along the back of Thanatos’ calves and his hands restless under Thanatos’ shirt and at the waistband of his pants. Everywhere he touches feels like it’s been singed by flames, warm and tingling, and Thanatos hates that he arches into it, but he does.

At some point, Zagreus’ hands fall to Thanatos’ ass and pull him roughly towards him, and they both make small sounds as their hardening cocks brush against one another. Thanatos, unable to stop himself, bucks against Zagreus again. Zagreus cries out and then bites his lip, gasping through his nose in an attempt to control himself.

“Fuck, you’re so sexy,” Zagreus breathes into his neck as he bites into it, “I can hardly bring myself to believe…you’re here right now. You’re here.”

“Yes,” Thanatos says simply, inhaling sharply at the slight pain.

Zagreus presses his lips to the bite, once and then again, molding himself to Thanatos’ body and licking along his neck. “God, I can barely even think,” he says quietly.

Thanatos isn’t really all that much better off, but he’d like if Zagreus didn’t know that. “Here, I’ll help,” he says. “Both of us are still wearing our clothes.”

Zagreus chuckles breathlessly. “You’re right. We should stop doing that.”

“You first,” Thanatos murmurs, mouth on Zagreus’ jawline and fingers already rubbing the material of his shirt between them. “Okay?”

“Mm. Sure.” He lifts his arms, awkwardly knocking them against the headboard, while Thanatos tries to pull off the shirt. It’s a bit of a process, but he manages it in the end with a frown.

“I feel like standing up might be more efficient than this, unfortunately.”

“Ugh. Standing. Hate that.” But Zagreus stands anyway, beaming as Thanatos’ eyes are drawn with the movement to his chest. “Come on, be a good sport.”

“I prefer spectator sports,” Thanatos mumbles, but stands to shuck his clothing anyway when Zagreus snickers at his continued gaze, now dropped to his abdomen and the bulge in Zagreus’ pants.

He tries to be quick about it, tries to get everything off so fast that he doesn’t think about how he might look or what might happen next or what Zagreus might think about what might happen next or how he looks. When he’s fully unclothed, though, he happens to catch Zagreus’ eyes, sees his pupils dilated and dark and how he’s licking his lips with his hands frozen on the zip of his shorts.

Thanatos blinks at him, feeling his face heat up again. “What?”

“You’re…” Zagreus shakes his head, once slowly, and then again quickly like he’s trying to shake the cobwebs from his mind. “ _Fuck,_ Than.”

“I’m fuck?” Thanatos asks dryly, though inside his chest feels caught between enjoying the attention and panic that the attention might be negative somehow.

“You’re absolutely fuck,” Zagreus confirms, still looking shellshocked, “But I think I was going to say stunning.”

Thanatos is definitely blushing. “Just take off your shorts. It’s not fair you get to look your fill and I don’t. You’ve seen me naked before, anyway.”

“Only glimpses. It’s not the same.” Zagreus sighs reverently. “They were some good glimpses, though. Kept me going for years of private time.”

He’s _definitely_ blushing. “That’s—crass.”

“What, you didn’t think of me like that?”

God help him, but he did. He tried not to do so often, sure, but—Zagreus is looking at him with a knowing expression. “We can pause to discuss my masturbatory fantasies or you can take off your shorts and we can get on with it.”

Zagreus huffs a laugh and takes them off in one smooth movement. “Fine, fine.”

It would be nice if Thanatos could get away with staring at Zagreus without him noticing, except for the way his mouth starts to fill with saliva and his eyes are drawn to a very specific area isn’t precisely subtle. Zagreus is a lot prouder about it, though, standing tall with his legs parted and his…

Let’s not dance around the issue, he decides. Zagreus has a big dick.

He was semi-aware of this before, in the sense that he too has caught the occasional glimpse, and he’s seen the outline of it here and there. He didn’t like to think about it. But he is very much thinking about it now, in all sorts of ways and some positions he’s not entirely certain are possible, and its length is about average but it’s thick enough he could choke on it—

“That’s crass, Zagreus,” Zagreus mimics in a singsong voice. “Thinking about your hot best friend naked? How dare you?”

“It’s right there!” Thanatos protests immediately.

“ _It_ is, huh?” he coos, waggling his eyebrows ostentatiously. “I wonder what you’re talking about.”

Thanatos gives a put-upon sigh and decides to end the whole business. “What would make you happy here, Zagreus? Would it please you if I told you your dick is big and looks delicious and I want it up my ass and in my mouth and wherever else you can think to put it? Is that what you’re looking for?”

He’s blushing more saying that, but Zagreus is even worse off, immediately shutting up and going a lovely shade of red. “Um,” he says eloquently, and then goes silent again.

The answer to all of that is of course yes, but he knows Zagreus wouldn’t be able to own up to it. He’s not entirely certain which of them is more embarrassed, but at least he can pretend he got the edge there as he flops back down on the bed and raises an eyebrow at the still-motionless Zagreus. “Well, come on. You and your dick get over here.”

He and his dick sit on the bed, looking away from Thanatos, and ask, “Do you actually think that though?”

“You could do some market research instead of just asking for all the answers right away,” Thanatos says, because he might implode if he had to tell Zagreus that really, he thinks even worse. But Zagreus turns, and he’s hard oh God he’s hard and there’s a bit of pre-cum at his tip and Thanatos wants to see what it tastes like, and he thinks he’s probably given himself away from the get-go.

“Hm,” Zagreus hums, smile firmly back on his face as he moves to bracket Thanatos with his body. He and Thanatos are of similar enough heights, but he’s broader, and either way at the moment it feels like he looms over him. “Research, huh. I guess I can do that.”

Research, it appears, means kissing from Thanatos’ lips down to his neck to his clavicle, mouthing at his sternum all the way down to his belly button, cutting a wide swathe around his dick to suck at his thighs. Thanatos breathes heavily through it, ignoring how Zagreus can see every part of him and maybe much deeper. Maybe he’s seeing down through his muscle and into the bone, maybe through to his very cells. Maybe he’s seeing how somewhere at the very core of him, Zagreus left his name long ago, and that he’s now rewriting that name over every inch of his body.

Or maybe that’s just stupid. “I thought I was the one with a thing for body worship,” Thanatos says, hating how breathy he sounds, how much that must be telling Zagreus.

Zagreus grins up at him from where he’s biting into the meat of the inside of Thanatos’ thigh, his nose brushing _almost_ where Thanatos would like it but not quite. “Wasn’t aware that was a mutually exclusive trait.”

“God, we’re never going to actually have sex, are we,” Thanatos says, half a joke and half a complaint and another half still trying to hide the vulnerability he’s feeling.

“Oh no, we’ll definitely get to that,” Zagreus says, and from where he’s at Thanatos can see his eyes are dark and promising. He shudders. Zagreus gives a wicked smile and presses that into his thigh as well. “But I’ve lived so many years without you. I’m just making up for lost time.”

“Who’s the sex demon now?” Thanatos says weakly.

“I am absolutely taking that as a compliment,” Zagreus purrs, and then kisses up Thanatos’ ribs to his nipples, licking a circle around it and then taking it into his mouth and sucking lightly.

Thanatos has not, to this point, considered himself a…‘nipple man’, if there is such a thing. Frankly, most of his body has been fairly unresponsive when he masturbated; he can manage orgasms, but they were pleasurable in the same way touching an ice cube makes one cold. Just a response to stimuli. Not bad, but not something that helped him understand why people go to such great lengths for sex, either.

Zagreus seems intent on changing that, and the feeling that jolts up Thanatos’ spine when he sucks and then finishes off with a bite has Thanatos thinking he might just succeed.

“Fuck, you sound so good,” Zagreus moans, and it’s only then that Thanatos realizes he might have made a sound just now and not even known it for all the blood rushing in his ears. Zagreus dips down again, and raises his other hand to Thanatos’ other nipple, flicking at it idly before taking it between his thumb and index finger.

Thanatos’ hands have been digging into the muscle of Zagreus’ back prior to this point, mostly, but at this point he swiftly puts one hand over his face. His mouth, specifically, because he fears otherwise he’ll make another sound, and he doesn’t like that his body is speaking its pleasure without his permission.

“Hey, no,” Zagreus says, moving up to drop light kisses from elbow to hand, gazing earnestly at Thanatos. “I want to hear you.”

“What if I don’t want to be heard?” Thanatos grumbles, muffled into his arm, which is admittedly a bit disgusting and juvenile.

“What if I ask nicely?”

“What if no?”

“Than,” Zagreus wheedles, kissing the areas of Thanatos’ face he can manage to reach, “Love, please, you sound so fucking hot. You made me so hard just with that, see?”

Thanatos doesn’t see, because he has an arm over his face, but Zagreus helpfully provides an object demonstration by slowly sliding his dick against Thanatos’, and then Thanatos has to lift the arm off his mouth to get enough air because Zagreus was not lying and Thanatos is gasping.

“Zag,” he says helplessly, removing his arm to look down at the place where their pelvises meet. Zagreus’ dick is right next to his, and definitely hard, and red and leaking, and Thanatos feels a bit lightheaded. “Oh, fuck.”

“Maybe if I…” Zagreus mumbles thoughtfully, and then thrusts against him again at the same time that he gives a particularly rough tweak to Thanatos’ nipple.

Thanatos cries out loudly, bucking up and bringing both hands to clutch onto Zagreus’ shoulders. Particles of electricity zing from his chest and his cock simultaneously, all gathering into the pit of his abdomen in a kind of loose ball.

Zagreus looks pleased with himself and settles his weight onto Thanatos’ body, putting both hands on his chest. With his fingers massaging Thanatos’ nipples, he sets a lazy rhythm frotting against him. Zagreus only thrusts slightly down, and Thanatos thrusts only slightly up, but their combined effort feels _fantastic,_ and Thanatos has to muffle his noise into Zagreus shoulder. At some point, he bites a bit too hard—almost more instinct than anything—and Zagreus keens, throwing his head back and panting.

Thanatos stares at him. All right. Fine. He can acknowledge that hearing Zagreus like that, so unrestrained was…hot. Very much so.

He carefully removes his mouth from Zagreus’ shoulder, but Zagreus slurs, “No, again, more,” and Thanatos freezes before hesitantly positioning his mouth over Zagreus’ neck. He splays his hands over Zagreus’ ass and uses the leverage to grind the two of them together, and while he does, he bites down with purpose.

Zagreus wails.

It’s a sound so plaintive and raw that Thanatos startles. “Shit, Zag, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you—”

“You didn’t, not at all,” Zagreus says throatily. “Fuck, Than, that was amazing.”

“Oh,” Thanatos says, lost a moment. “That’s good.”

“I could just…do that. With you. Over and over…” Zagreus makes a small sound as he frees one hand to press against the bite. “Over and over, until we both come.”

Thanatos blinks. “But?”

“But I want to be inside you,” he says frankly. “Or vice versa, I’m not picky.”

“Oh,” Thanatos says again, blushing this time as his cock twitches in visible approval. “That sounds. Fine.”

Zagreus grins. “Glad it sounds _fine_ to you, though I’ll do my best to do better than fine before we’re over.”

He already has done far better than fine. Thanatos looks to the side and does not say that.

“Shit,” Zagreus says suddenly. “You wouldn’t happen to have lube or condoms in here, would you?”

Thanatos glares at him incredulously. “Why would I? I didn’t exactly expect this.”

“I have some in my room,” Zagreus says, wincing at Thanatos’ expression. “Not that I expected this either! Or any other…this! But like, safety first—”

“I’m not judging, but I’m not getting them either, Mr. Safety.”

Zagreus sighs. “I know. Ugh.” He swings off the bed and walks awkwardly, erection bobbing along with him, out the door. He’s back soon enough, still looking a bit irritable about it and mumbling about how he should have prepared better, and sets the items in question in an easily accessible spot on the floor.

“So…” He gets back on the bed, pulling Thanatos so that they’re facing one another on their sides again. “Preference?”

“I’m a side sleeper,” Thanatos says, mostly to fuck with him. He’s not even a side sleeper. He sleeps on his back with his arms on his chest.

“You are _not,_ and you know what I mean.” Zagreus waves. “Dick up ass or dick in ass?”

“Why, you old romantic,” Thanatos says dryly.

“I mean, we don’t even have to do either. We—I mean, we could keep doing the thing from before. Or, uhhh, in between thighs, or oral, or—”

Thanatos places a hand over Zagreus' mouth. “No need to list your browser history for me, I know what sex is.”

Zagreus scowls and licks his hand until Thanatos withdraws his hand, grimacing. “Okay then, expert, where do you want me?”

Well, that’s a broad question that would take a long time to answer. “Do _you_ have a preference?”

“No! Than. Please. I’ve been dreaming about this for basically as long as I knew what wet dreams were—”

“Ew,” Thanatos grumbles, and Zagreus shoots him a look.

“—and I assure you I’m just happy this is happening any way. As long as your dick is involved, and preferably mine as well, I’m good.” He smiles lasciviously. “And besides, we have until dinner, don’t we?”

“How pragmatic of you.” Thanatos considers. “Well, I don’t have a preference either.” He coughs. “For…similar reasons.”

“Aw,” Zagreus coos, hugging him close, which is a lot less sweet when you’re both naked and horny. “You do love me.”

“As previously stated. But, ah…” He squirms in place, which is equally unhelpful. “I do think it might be nice…or, well, not nice exactly. What I’m trying to say is…it does seem a shame not to take advantage of what’s in front of me.”

Zagreus blinks. “You want to take advantage of me?”

“No. I mean, yes, I suppose, but…” Thanatos makes a frustrated noise. “Basically, your dick is big and I want it in me.”

“Oh, fuck,” Zagreus says after a moment in an awed whisper. “Fuck. I love you.”

“You love me because I think your dick is big?” Thanatos demands.

“Well, it doesn’t _hurt,_ but mostly I was just thinking that this is just so much better than I could ever have imagined, and that I’m so grateful it’s actually happening this time.” He kisses Thanatos tenderly and so slow that he feels stupid with it by the time Zagreus draws away. “One big dick in ass, coming up.”

“Must you put it like that?” Thanatos says, a bit weakly because Zagreus really is quite a good kisser and also because now he’s thinking about Zagreus’ dick, and he could reach out and touch it if he wanted.

In fact.

He reaches a questing hand downwards between them, and wraps his fingers around Zagreus’ length when he reaches it. Mostly just an experimental touch, but Zagreus still stiffens like he’s touched a live wire, and he can feel his dick jump in his hand to boot.

“Uh, why? No complaints, but…”

“It can go in me but I can’t touch it?”

“No, you can touch it. You can touch it all you like, if you don’t mind waiting for me to get it back up after. Just wondering about the timing, is all.”

“I’m evaluating the merchandise prior to purchase.”

“I always feel so objectified when I’m with you,” Zagreus murmurs, amused, but he shuts up when Thanatos runs his fingers along the shaft again thoughtfully.

“I know it—can happen, on a more…theoretical level. But I have no idea how this will fit in me.”

Zagreus’ dick jumps.

“You like that,” Thanatos accuses.

“Of course I like that, Than, but not because I actually get off on the thought of hurting you,” Zagreus says. “I’ll do my best to prepare you, okay? And if at any point you think you’d rather stop, try another day, or try never, then we do that.”

Thanatos kisses Zagreus’ neck, hiding the fond quirk of his lips. “I wasn’t as concerned as all that, but thank you. Noted. Do you want to get on with things or am I going to have to just get myself off while you watch?”

Zagreus swallows; his Adam’s apple moves under Thanatos’ mouth. “I mean, let the record show that I’m not opposed to that idea at all. But yes, we can get on with things. For now.”

“For now,” Thanatos repeats in agreement, smile growing. “Good.”

“Good.” Zagreus reaches down to the floor for the lube, uncaps it and squeezes some onto his fingertips. “I’m not entirely experienced here, uh, so…just let me know how things are going?”

“I thought you said you were going to get on with it.”

“I’m being considerate! Like I said, I don’t want to hurt you.” Pausing, he looks around the floor and locates a decorative pillow that Thanatos stacked to the side of the room the first day he got here. “Uh, do you think you could…”

“Zagreus, no, those don’t wash.”

He pouts. “But you’re supposed to have something underneath! I looked it up.”

“When?” Thanatos asks, mildly curious and contemplating whether a folded straight sheet would do.

“You don’t need to know that,” Zagreus mutters, eyes wandering to the side.

Thanatos gets up on one elbow, now _very_ curious. “Why don’t I want to know that? How long ago was it?”

“It doesn’t matter! Just—give that other pillow, I can sleep on it without a pillowcase when—”

“Oh my God, you’re truly embarrassed about this. What, you Googled it when you were fresh out the womb?”

Zagreus makes a frustrated noise and grabs for the pillow himself, shoving it under Thanatos’ hips, but adjusting it with care. “I don’t remember exactly. There was some health class in eighth, ninth grade, they talked about how a man and a woman had sex but not…two men. I looked it up. You’re an asshole.”

Thanatos nods slowly and decides that he should probably make a concession here. “Fourth grade.”

Zagreus looks at him, horrified. “You looked up gay sex in fourth grade?”

“God, no, dipshit. Fourth grade is when I realized for certain that I had a crush on you. There’s an entry in my journal.” He grows uncomfortable under Zagreus’ stare. “What.”

“That’s only a year after we met.”

“Yes. So? Fourth graders are idiots.”

“No.” Zagreus is positively beaming, and he crawls up to give Thanatos a sweet, deep kiss. “I’m happy. And I love you. By the way.”

“What about you? Did I actually beat you?” Thanatos asks, trying to get the attention off himself, and, unimpressed, adds, “Also, you got lube on my arm.”

“Sorry. Guess I got on with it too fast.”

“You haven’t got on with shit,” Thanatos snorts. “And you haven’t answered the question.”

Zagreus sighs dramatically. “Fine, yes, you beat me. I don’t have a journal or anything, but it was probably around fifth grade for me.” He waves his lubed fingers around, then realizes and looks at them blankly. “I mean, I felt stuff before, but I wasn’t sure how to put a name to it.”

“But you still lost,” Thanatos says, proud.

“I did.” Zagreus kisses him again. “But you fell in love with me, so really I also won.”

It’s a very sweet sentiment, if cheesy and untrue, so of course Thanatos deigns not to respond in any meaningful way by saying, “Zagreus, the _lube._ ”

“Oh. Shit.” He makes a face. “It feels kind of like this lube is ruined now.”

Thanatos groans and hands him a tissue from his nightstand.

“Thanks! Redo, redo. Promise it’ll reach its target this time.”

“Dear God,” Thanatos mumbles, positioning his hips again over the pillow. “No way we have time for another round before dinner. This round will take us at _least_ several millennia.”

“Hush. I swear to you: no more than a decade.” He punctuates the quip with a light kiss to the tip of Thanatos’ dick, which stops Thanatos’ thoughts right in their tracks and leaves him with heat in his cheeks.

Zagreus spreads Thanatos’ legs and breathes shakily, pressing his lips to the underside of Thanatos’ thighs on both sides with something approaching reverence. Thanatos would comment on it, but he’s still a bit derailed from feeling Zagreus’ lips on his dick even if it was only for a moment, and he grows only more derailed still by Zagreus’ fingers, lubed up once more and gently circling around his rim.

It’s not that it feels particularly groundbreaking, or really much of anything other than ‘kind of strange’, but the thought of where it leads has Thanatos’ breathing picking up and his thighs tensing.

“You okay?” Zagreus murmurs, because he’s a sweetheart and has no idea what Thanatos is thinking.

“Obviously. You haven’t done anything yet.”

“It hurts that you’re saying my fingers on your hole is nothing,” he says, faux-tragic.

“Get them in me and then we can talk.” At Zagreus’ frown, he says, “I mean, it’s not like I haven’t…” He coughs delicately. “Things have been in there before. I’m fine.”

“Oh, so I’m competing with _things_ , huh?” His grin is wicked once more as he brushes his nose against the base of Thanatos’ dick—purposely, the bastard. “What things? Just so I know how far I need to step my game up, as it were.”

“I expect your full game always,” Thanatos says, squinting. “And I don’t want to play _this_ game. The one where you tease me into revealing what’s been in my hole.”

Zagreus stops breathing for a second, but regains his composure quickly. “You made me tell earlier. Besides. If you tell me, I’ll reward you appropriately.” His lips brush against Thanatos’ shaft this time, and Thanatos almost jumps.

Because he was surprised. That’s all.

“You are a child, as ever.”

Zagreus’ finger continues to circle around his rim, with slightly more pressure, but not enough to slip in yet. His smile is blithe.

Thanatos huffs. Fine. If he’s going to do this, he might as well make Zagreus suffer also. “My fingers. That’s what I started with. I spent a lot of time looking at your hands, so much so I almost had them memorized. I’d use my fingers and think that your fingers would be shorter than mine but much thicker, that you had calluses that would drag against me, that you’d be so careful and so kind but that you’d _want_ me and eventually that would make you lose control.”

Zagreus’ eyes go wide and round, and his finger falters and then slips inside, tugging at the rim before slipping back out. He clears his throat, then puts his finger back in to the first knuckle, maybe attempting to make it seem intentional, alternating between circling and thrusting.

Thanatos licks his lips—not on purpose—and then lids his eyes as he looks down on Zagreus—very much on purpose. “As soon as I could, I looked up other ways to pleasure myself, looking for something…more. Just dildos, at first, there was this shapeless cylinder…it didn’t do much for me, so I got more. More realistic. Bigger. And with each one, I’d imagine you fucking me.”

And with each one, each time, he’d be left with a disappointing orgasm and the feeling he’d disrespected his best friend. Sometimes, he’d cried.

This is not presently relevant, when he’s trying to wreck aforementioned best friend.

Zagreus’ cheeks are a beautiful pink, and he dips his finger deeper, stroking Thanatos’ walls with a rhythm almost like he’s hypnotized. “And?” he whispers. “Anything else?”

“Toys, after that.” Thanatos shrugs, trying to pretend he’s unaffected. “Or sometimes in conjunction with.” He’d always been trying to find some combination that would make him understand sex. Never succeeded, prior to today, but he had thought he owed it his best attempt, at least. “Beads, cock rings. Vibrators.”

Zagreus’ head ducks, and he muffles a sound into Thanatos’ thigh.

“And it was always you.” Of course. Of course it was always him, even though it made him feel repulsive. “I planned out exactly how you would do it. Whether you would ask me to do this, just for you. How your hands would be warm when you put them in me. If you would make me come over and over again and just watch—”

“Thanatos,” Zagreus whines pitifully, licking a stripe up Thanatos’ cock, then taking the head into his mouth. He sucks it, eyelashes fluttering, and presses a second finger into Thanatos’ hole. His fingers thrust insistently, circle together, and then slowly drag out to hook over Thanatos’ rim and pop out briefly before plunging back in, scissoring, and starting all over again.

Funny, almost, Thanatos thinks, unable to stop himself from making small noises just as Zagreus seems incapable of keeping himself away from his cock, kissing it and licking it and jerking the base of it with his free hand, worshipping it as though it were the altar of the god Thanatos has never before felt he could live up to. It’s funny. Thanatos had written off sex as something rote and mediocre, but all he ever needed was just for it to be with Zagreus, in the end.

Funny, how it always needs to be him.

(But then, he’s always known he needed Zagreus.)

Thanatos drives the nail in by purring, “But I could never imagine it as good as you. I know it already. None of those dildos were as big as you are, and none of them are going to fuck me as good as I know you will.”

Zagreus makes some kind of choked-off sound, something like a moan and a sigh and a shudder all together, and pulls away from Thanatos’ cock, panting. After he’s collected himself, he says, “ _Fuck,_ Than, you can’t…I almost came right there.”

Thanatos was embarrassingly close to orgasm himself, but he doesn’t say that. Instead he says, “You asked.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Zagreus wrinkles his nose and grumbles, “Suppose it would be too much to ask you to be less competitive when we’re in bed together.”

“It would absolutely be too much to ask,” Thanatos says serenely.

Zagreus chews his lip, contemplating, then says, “But you were telling the truth.”

“Are you sure about that?”

He smiles brightly. “You know what, I am. I know you, after all.”

And, well, he does, and Thanatos was, and Thanatos thinks it’s probably all right to be known like this if it’s him.

“You do.” He smiles back at Zagreus, soft, and there’s a while they just smile at one another, content in their feelings for one another. But after a few moments, Thanatos reminds, “You still have two fingers in my ass.”

“So I do!” His tone is absurdly cheerful, though he can’t act entirely: there’s still some breathlessness to him left from Thanatos’ prior teasing. “Would you like me to do something with them?”

“Preferably.”

“Your wish is my command.” His thrusts are almost lazy, but he adds a third finger and then after some time a fourth, moving them all about and flexing them apart to stretch Thanatos’ hole.

Thanatos had never bothered with a fourth finger, and Zagreus’ fingers are so much bigger from the start. Zagreus is kind enough, at least, to not comment on Thanatos’ noises, or maybe just intensely concentrated on stretching Thanatos and perhaps on keeping himself in control with what looks like a nigh-painful erection.

“I think you’re probably as ready as I can manage,” Zagreus eventually says, sounding slightly nervous. “What do you think?”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure, because—”

“Zag.” He caresses Zagreus’ hair with one hand. “I’m fine.”

Zagreus bites his lip again, leaning into Thanatos’ hand, and nods. “Okay.” He reaches down to the bed again to get a condom, tearing open the wrapper and putting the condom on carefully, then lubing himself up. He looks up again. “Are you s—”

“You can put that in or I can come on you and leave the room,” Thanatos says. It’s meant to be a joke, but Zagreus’ eyes go a bit glazed before he nods again.

“Right. Just let me know if it hurts?”

“Zag—”

“Please, just say you’ll let me know. I couldn’t stand to hurt you.” His eyes are luminous in the midmorning light streaming weakly in from the window, and Thanatos sighs and pulls Zagreus down for a kiss, then leaves another on his forehead.

“If it happens, I’ll let you know. But it’s okay. I’ll be okay.”

Zagreus nods one last time, smiling and taking both Thanatos’ hands in his to whisper a kiss against his fingertips, and says, “Well then.”

The first press of his cock to Thanatos’ hole doesn’t hurt, mostly in the sense it seems to have no interest in going inside anything at all. It glances off his hole and slides between the cleft of his cheeks, and even when Zagreus is more careful about directing it with his two hands, it sort of compresses before it starts to go in. It’s a slow process, and Thanatos feels a bit cheated of a proper narrative climax after all of that.

And then, mostly, he feels burning, and Zagreus must be able to tell immediately because he stops. “Than? Does it hurt?”

He did promise to say, so he reluctantly says, “I think maybe you should put some more lube…in…there. Just to be safe.”

So they have to do that, and Thanatos is about ready to gnash his teeth by the time it’s done and Zagreus is guiding his cock back in once more. The stretch is still ever so slightly uncomfortable, but not by too much, and the burn is almost pleasant in a way Thanatos would prefer not to examine too closely.

“You’re doing okay?” Zagreus checks. “The head is in, but there’s still…more.”

“As much as I would be intrigued to see a dick that’s solely a head—”

“Smartass. Answer the question.”

“I’m fine. You can keep going.”

Zagreus squints at him, then does so. He’s not the only one who can read the other’s facial expressions, though Zagreus has never been particularly subtle about them: Thanatos can tell Zagreus is straining to move slowly, to keep his mind clear enough to regulate his movements. He wishes he could tell him to just slam in and damn the consequences, but it would hurt Zagreus more than him if he had any tearing or anything like that. All Thanatos can do is smooth his hands along Zagreus’ back and keep being honest.

After a while of edging along, Zagreus says with unadulterated awe, “It’s—I’m all the way in. In _you,_ Than. I’m—” His hands have some lube on them, but Thanatos gives up on being clean to clasp their hands together and drop kisses on Zagreus’ shoulders.

“I know. I know,” Thanatos says to Zagreus’ shaking, his head buried in Thanatos’ neck.

“For so long,” Zagreus mumbles, and Thanatos nods and kisses every part of Zagreus he can reach, and he keeps at it until Zagreus is ready to kiss back.

There’s tears in the corner of Zagreus’ eyes, but he’s smiling so brilliantly it almost hurts to look at him, except he’s also so beautiful that Thanatos never wants to look away. “I love you. I love you so much,” Zagreus says.

He could deflect—say that Zagreus has said that plenty already, or that he’s not sure this is the time for heartfelt confessions, or that Zagreus should move already. The thoughts pass through his mind. But frankly, he knows too exactly what Zagreus is feeling, and he doesn’t have to avoid it every time.

“I love you too.” He kisses his hair, his eyelids, the tears, his nose, his cheeks, his forehead, his chin, his lips again. “I truly do.”

Zagreus’ smile goes a bit wobbly, but there are no more tears, only kisses exchanged, hands held together to their hearts, legs intertwined, like if they are connected in all the ways they can think of it will make up for every moment spent apart.

And it might be, Thanatos thinks dizzily. It might be.

Soon enough, though, Thanatos thinks with equal dizziness that the feeling of fullness is wonderful but—wouldn’t it be even better if he could feel Zagreus moving inside him—and Zagreus seems to be thinking the same thing, because he bites his lip and looks down at him and asks, “Is it okay if—”

“It’s very okay. I might have words for you if you don’t.”

Zagreus laughs and says, “Love, you wouldn’t be my Thanatos if you didn’t have words for me either way,” and Thanatos isn’t offended or hollow or anything other than filled with love and gratitude and also, most notably at this exact moment, Zagreus’ dick.

Zagreus pulls out all the way, and leaves barely a thought for Thanatos to feel bereft before he slides sensuously back in, grinding his hips once fully seated and moaning, “Fuck, Than.”

Thanatos’ air feels caught in his lungs before he can breathe, pleasure pooling syrupy and delicious in his abdomen. “Zagreus,” he says, gulping in another breath, “God—”

Pull out. Slide. Grind. Zagreus goes again and again, stopping only for a moment or two here and there to collect himself, panting with his head down on Thanatos’ chest. He turns his head almost weakly at one point to take one of Thanatos’ nipples into his mouth once more, laving over it and then sucking until Thanatos cries out, chest arching up and forward towards Zagreus.

“Oh my God,” he groans, “Zag, fuck, Zag—”

Zagreus pulls off with a brush of his teeth and then pulls back again, but this time instead of coming back in slow, he slams in quickly. He repeats the action, frantically rutting inside Thanatos, so deep and fast that Thanatos practically feels him in his throat. “Than,” he wails, “Than, fuck, you’re so fucking hot, I can’t—inside you it’s so— _Than,_ I love you, I love you—”

Thanatos doesn’t even have time to collect his thoughts, or really even to think at all. His body is suffused with the pleasure, starting to grow a sharp point, tingling electric up through to his fingers and down to his toes. It’s an orgasm, he knows, but like none he’s experienced before. There’s nothing mediocre about this. This is something he would spend all day in bed for, something he could long for, and he _understands—_

Zagreus slows down, not back to the languid slide of earlier but a solid rhythm. “Than,” Zagreus breathes, swallows, breathes again. “I want to—just let me know—”

Thanatos understands once more when Zagreus starts to change the angle of his thrusts, slightly different each time. He’s never been able to find his prostate on his own. His fingers are longer than Zagreus’, sure, but the angle is so awkward, and he doesn’t actually take that much pleasure in shoving them up his ass. He thinks it will probably be the same situation here. But Zagreus shifts, and Thanatos blinks.

“Oh. There’s—”

And he shifts again, more than before, and Thanatos’ words peter out on a keening sigh.

“Was that it?”

“Well, I don’t think that could get better,” Thanatos says breathlessly, struggling to remember words.

Zagreus murmurs, “I mean, I think that sounds like a challenge,” and Thanatos can’t tell him that he thinks if he’s challenged his brain might short out, because Zagreus takes a couple of hesitant thrusts right up against presumably-his-prostate, and then proceeds to bully his thick cock into it repeatedly.

Thanatos could cry from how good it feels, from how the electricity builds on itself over and over, folding and tightening and burning bright, and indeed he might be crying. He can’t be bothered to take stock, and doesn’t really have the bandwidth left to do so. He knows he must be making noise, pitiful whimpers and lusty moans, but his blood is rushing in his ears and he can’t hear much of anything past it.

If Zagreus gives reason for pulling out, thus, Thanatos can’t hear a word of it, and so he instead locks his heels behind his back and pulls him back in, and he knows he tries to say “Don’t you fucking dare,” but he’s not sure if it comes out quite coherent.

All he knows is that Zagreus’ eyes are wide as saucers again, and that his eyes are so dark Thanatos can see his reflection in them, and that Zagreus says something and then he starts pounding in at that fast, jackrabbit pace again. He’s still aimed at Thanatos’ prostate, and while he doesn’t hit it every time he’s thick enough that he at least glances over it the majority of his thrusts, and it feels fucking _exquisite_.

Thanatos can’t do much other than dig his hands into Zagreus’ shoulder blades and hold on for dear life, though at some point he scratches down instead, and Zagreus clenches his teeth and moans, and he’s so gorgeous seeking his pleasure like this that Thanatos can’t imagine him anything other than a being touched by divine power.

That said. Zagreus is still Zagreus, and Zagreus is a menace.

A menace who is just as competitive as Thanatos.

Basically: while fucking Thanatos within an inch of his life, Zagreus grins, and then he frees one hand and uses it to twist Thanatos’ nipple, and he frees the other hand and uses it to strip Thanatos’ cock in pace with his thrusts.

Basically.

…Basically, everything in Thanatos’ body converges and then explodes outwards, and his feet arch and his thighs tense so hard that they almost cramp, and he slams his head backwards into his pillows several times because his mind is blank but it still can’t process all of this, and he screams as he comes all over his abdomen, but then—

Then, basically, he has a single thought, and that thought is that he shouldn’t be so loud, and so he muffles the scream into Zagreus’ shoulder—

And he bites.

Basically.

And basically, as hearing comes back into his ears, Zagreus sobs, “Than, oh,” and he fucks once, twice, into Thanatos, and he clutches hard onto Thanatos’ hips to hold them together, and he throws his head back to the ceiling and Thanatos feels warmth rush into him, and then—

Well, then, basically, Zagreus collapses onto him, mouthing at his clavicle tiredly, and they both lie there a while.

So. Basically. That’s what happened.

(Zagreus is the first to speak, after. “Holy shit,” he says numbly.

“Sounds about right,” Thanatos says, blinking upwards and stroking Zagreus’ back.

And then they’re silent a bit longer.

Zagreus is, again, the one to break the silence. “So.”

“So,” Thanatos parrots back.

“So there’s time before dinner—”

Thanatos shoves him, and Zagreus giggles into his arm. Thanatos rolls his eyes, and then starts to chuckle too.

“I can’t move,” he says, then purses his lips. “But…later.”

“Later sounds good to me,” Zagreus says, and kisses their clasped hands. “Later sounds great.”

Thanatos hums, and says, “That hand definitely has all kinds of shit on it.”

“I’m trying not to think about it, asshole.”

“Dipshit.”

“Loverboy.”

“God, fuck you. That’s still so bad.”

Zagreus snickers and kisses him, and he kisses back, and the air between them tastes like laughter and sex and happiness, and Thanatos privately thinks it’s better than any curry he could make tonight will ever taste. They rest, and then they get cleaned up, and then they make a mess again.

But it’s before dinner so it’s all okay.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (falls down on the floor, dead) FINALLY! IT IS DONE...!!! if u happen to follow my twitter you know the many complaints i've had writing this chapter, as i do every time i write smut, so i won't rehash those here. but jesus f christ, this was a process. i don't know if it is good, or coherent, or realistic--probably not that, there would be no reason for it to be lol--but by god, is it done!!!!! hopefully it's, you know. passable. :P or at least the banter is, uh, also passable. if it is not, don't tell me lol, i simultaneously do not care anymore and also care a lot pff
> 
> anyway nice to see y'all again. happy sunday, here's your 10k+ of porn


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: insecurity, some sort of internalized ableism, innuendo, non-explicit mention of sex, awkward situations

The cliché, Thanatos supposes, would be to say that time passes like a dream in the days thereafter. But his dreams aren’t particularly vivid, and they’re strange and often unappealing, and he’s usually glad to be done with them when he wakes.

So not a dream, then, and thank God for it.

Zagreus couldn’t be unappealing if he tried, and with how disgusting his room is he may actually be trying. Being with him is so vivid that it burns every hour of the day into Thanatos’ mind what feels like permanently. And he doesn’t want it to end at any point.

Not a dream.

It will end, though.

Not being with Zagreus, at least Thanatos can only hope. But at some point, he has to leave, and he’ll be back close to the city and living with his mother and surrounded by reminders once more that he’s failed, and—well. Not only that.

It’s not as though this makes his confession and Zagreus’ reciprocation a bad thing, of course, but Thanatos can’t help but feel their newfound relationship will add some weight to the responsibilities he is shirking as well. He won’t be able to take Zagreus out on dates. He won’t have his own place to take Zagreus home to. He won’t be able to financially support Zagreus if it comes to that.

When Zagreus pries this out of him one morning, Zagreus looks at him with an expression nearing repulsion, and asks, “What kind of fifties housewife fantasy are you stepping out of?”

Thanatos scowls and hides his face in his pillow again. “Never mind.”

“No, Than, I’m not trying to make fun of you or anything—”

“How certain are you about that?” Thanatos asks from his pillow.

“— _But_ , I mean, that’s not—well, for one, I love you far too much to care about that sort of thing anyway.”

Thanatos is mildly charmed despite himself.

“But even if I didn’t, which would be a problem of its own I guess, and even if you didn’t have a very, extremely valid reason to quote-unquote ‘shirk’ your responsibilities, which you absolutely do.”

“Eh.”

“ _Which you absolutely do,_ ” Zagreus repeats more forcefully. “Even without those things, and those are both very important things. Like…you know it’s not your ‘responsibility’ to take care of me like that, right? It’s not some—moral, uh, thing—like, you don’t need to wear the pants to be a good partner. Hell, given the option, neither of us would ever have to wear any pants, ever.”

They’ve already had the partner discussion, somewhere in between round one and round two on that first day. (Thanatos had asked if this meant Zagreus was willing to be in a relationship with him. Zagreus had asked him if he had fucked the brains out of him or something. Thanatos had said no, idiot, I’m just asking to be sure, and Zagreus had asked if he needed to stick his dick in him again for him to be sure, and Thanatos had said fuck, you’re impossible, last time I attempt to be polite, and Zagreus had said good, and then Thanatos had said and also I want to fuck you this time if you’re not opposed, and Zagreus had said God of course I’m not fucking opposed, and well, there was round two.

And then after round two Thanatos had said so what terminology do you prefer and Zagreus had groaned and said please Than why now and—well, anyway, the gist of it is they had worked it out, and it had led into the beginning of a very promising round three before the doorbell had rung about twenty times in a row and Persephone had yelled “I’m home, if you’re doing something please don’t be, or at least be quiet about it I suppose,” and Zagreus had opted so forcefully for the former he’d leapt out of bed in a fighting pose with all the color drained from his body.

And then dinner.

So that’s about how that had gone.)

Anyway, discussion had or no, the word still brings a smile to Thanatos’ lips against the pillow, though he straightens his face out before he turns to look at Zagreus again with a pointed glance at his legs. “You barely wear pants. You wear those infernal leggings all the time.”

“They make my ass look good,” Zagreus says reasonably.

“Absolutely. And as someone who had not been permitted to partake of your ass until recently, I resented it quite a bit.”

“You were always permitted, you just never asked,” Zagreus says with a lascivious grin.

Thanatos’ face heats.

“And now? Now what do you think of my infernal leggings?”

“I still resent them,” Thanatos says, clearing his throat.

“Why?”

“Because they make me think about your ass, obviously.”

Zagreus’ grin only widens. “If you’re trying to get me to stop wearing them, you’re making all the wrong arguments, love.”

“I’m not,” Thanatos says. “Trying to get you to stop, I mean.”

“Good,” Zagreus purrs, kissing Thanatos just deep enough his mind goes blank before stopping. “Anyway, we’ve gotten off track.”

“I don’t particularly mind,” Thanatos mutters. Kissing is a lot more fun than flaying one’s insecurities bare, in the balance of things.

“I do. Look, my point is just—we make our own relationship. Right? It’s up to us to decide what the rules of it are. And I never made any kind of rule that said that you have to be some kind of provider figure. You don’t have to financially support me, you don’t have to take me out on dates. I like being with you, whatever form that takes. Right now it’s this form.” He gestures at the bed. “That’s okay with me as long as you’re the one under that blanket.”

Under the sheets, Thanatos’ fingers curl against his palms, but he nods reluctantly.

“And I would also like to be under that blanket sometimes,” Zagreus adds, waggling his eyebrows. “Not a necessity, but—”

“It had better not be a necessity right now, given that your mother is home,” Thanatos grumbles. “You horny bastard.”

“Says the man who was rhapsodizing about my ass!”

“It’s a lovely ass,” Thanatos says calmly. “And I don’t recall ever saying I was not, myself, a horny bastard.”

“Good, because you’d be a liar,” Zagreus says primly, and then, “And I wouldn’t be able to do this,” and kisses him until Thanatos finds better use for his curling hands and puts them on the infamous ass in question.

Persephone’s smile is somewhat pained at lunch. She asks them if she needs to leave again. She reminds them that they have never been quite so full on groceries.

Zagreus goes a delightful red and says no, ma’am, sorry, ma’am, please forget everything you heard, ma’am.

“I’ll do my best,” she says placidly. “Son.”

Yes. This will end, and probably should. For the health of Zagreus’ heart, if nothing else.

He’s surprised, though, that it’s Zagreus who brings it up, ultimately. Not right after lunch, or even anywhere near dinner. It’s not until Zagreus is brushing his teeth next to Thanatos, just finishing up the same thing, in a bathroom small enough that two people being in it has to be a very conscious choice.

“I like this,” Zagreus says with a mouth full of foam and a soft smile made slightly less adorable by the trail of toothpaste falling out his lips.

“Spit, by God,” Thanatos says mildly, passing him a square of toilet paper to wipe with after he does so. “What is it you like? Clean teeth? The appearance of rabies?”

“Yes,” Zagreus says mysteriously, then laughs. “No. I mean—well, yes, clean teeth are good. But no.” He gestures nonsensically in the mirror. “This.”

Thanatos, for once, is not trying to take the shit out of Zagreus; he’s actually quite tired and perhaps not running at optimal capacity. “…The tile?”

“Can you let me be cute without doing that sometimes?” Zagreus asks, though not quite complaining. He’s still smiling. It’s better without the toothpaste, but unfortunately, Thanatos is actually fine with him both ways.

“Zag, I’m so tired—”

“I know.” He drops a light, minty kiss on Thanatos’ cheek. “Being next to you like this, I mean. The—being domestic, and all. Feeling like…” He gestures again, but Thanatos understands better this time.

“Oh.” The combination of his sleepiness and the joy of everything to do with Zagreus fizzes in him pleasantly, and Thanatos returns Zagreus’ kiss on his cheek. “I like it too, then.”

“Good.” He nods, kicking his feet against the ground. “Right, so I’ve been looking at apartments. Uh, I can’t get too detailed because I don’t know anything about salary yet, but there are a couple of areas I wanted to run by you at least, see what you think—”

“Zagreus,” Thanatos interrupts, blinking, “Are you asking me to move in with you? Before you’ve moved anywhere yourself?”

He looks a bit sheepish. “I mean, you don’t have to. But at the minimum, I figured you’d be spending some time…wherever…I end up?”

“No, no, let’s be clear, I’m not…I mean, if you were. I don’t think I’d say no.” He pauses as Zagreus’ beam blinds him. “There would need to be a plan in place, of course.”

“No, of course.”

“But obviously I want to be with you as often as I can.” He’s starting to feel sheepish himself. “Insofar as you want the same thing.”

“Insofar my ass, Than, we want exactly the same thing,” Zagreus says with that same bright smile, reaching for Thanatos’ face to pull him into a sweet kiss. He laughs as he pulls away, just as bright and always as beautiful. “God. We want the same thing. Isn’t that amazing? Don’t you think?”

Amazing, absolutely. And surprising, and far more than Thanatos deserves. “It is,” Thanatos murmurs, and kisses him.

“We can do this every day,” Zagreus says, awed.

“Kissing?”

This time, he asks solely to be a little shit.

Zagreus laughs again, and kisses him again, and keeps smiling. “Whatever we want!”

It’s more optimistic than Thanatos usually allows himself to be, and there’s still that part of him that is already listing out the ways that’s far from true, but right now it feels true enough that he grins back. “Whatever we want,” he echoes.

And right now he really just wants to kiss Zagreus, so he does that.

(And he keeps doing that until Zagreus is pressed against the sink and gasping prettily into his mouth, and until Persephone walks by and says, sounding minorly disappointed, “Boys, please. At least close the door.”

So.

So, this will end.

But that feels, at least right now as Zagreus holds his hand and pulls him back to his room, pulls them under the covers and starts laughing against his chest—that feels, right now, like that’s all right.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that i took so long with a new chapter! i needed a break after the last one, and then it was election week and i didn't have the energy for much at all, and then...i was lazy. =v= and also kind of feeling like shit physically, but. anyway. here's this now, and i'm sorry as well that it's kind of just a lil filler in betweener chapter! just movin things along to what has to happen to get them back into the city, and also just kinda wanted to get somethin out here u_u anyway hopefully it's all right regardless! hope you're all doing well out there~


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: mention of past parental estrangement, food mention, dissociation, internalized ableism, insecurity, PDA, very very minor medical scare (thanatos over-exerts himself and comes close to fainting, which freaks zagreus out)

“So we were thinking of leaving this weekend,” Zagreus says, voice unwavering, at lunch the next day.

Persephone nods slowly. “You have somewhere to stay, I assume?”

“He’s always welcome at my mother’s house,” Thanatos says, squeezing Zagreus’ hand under the table. “I texted her last evening and she confirmed as much. He can stay with us until we work things out.”

Persephone takes a few contemplative bites of her salad, then asks, “This isn’t the house next to…”

Thanatos tilts his head, wondering what she’s asking, then catches on and winces.

It’s Zagreus who answers. “No. They moved a while ago. Ma wanted to be closer to her, uh…Chaos...”

Both of them stop and consider. The nickname feels so informal for her parent, who’s a bit of an enigma and had been estranged from Thanatos’ mother for some time until Zagreus found out and made it his life mission to reconnect the two of them. Thanatos had asked them awkwardly at the time what they would like to be called.

They had said, “You do not need to call me anything,” and Thanatos had never really known how to ask again.

“Her parent,” Zagreus corrects, feeling perhaps the same thing.

Persephone blinks. “They’re talking?”

“Yes, due to his efforts,” Thanatos says, bumping Zagreus’ shoulder. “They don’t get out much, so Mother wanted to make herself available for assistance.”

When he looks back at Zagreus’ mother, she’s frowning down at her plate. “I suppose it really has been a long time,” she murmurs distantly. “I hadn’t thought…”

Zagreus stares thoughtfully at her, then says, “I bet she’d love a visit from you, too.”

She startles, looking back up. “What? No, I mean…I’m happy out here.”

“Sure,” Zagreus says, with that warmth that Thanatos loves, and a bit of an overcareful lightness that Thanatos recognizes. The damn meddler, he thinks, but fondly. “But I think she’d be happy to see you still. It’s a bit lonely in that house sometimes, wouldn’t you say, Than?”

Perhaps less so now that Thanatos is in confinement in the upper rooms, and even less now that Zagreus will be coming to stay, but he knows precisely what Zagreus is getting at, and—well. It wouldn’t be bad, either, for his mother to regain a companion.

“Yes. She speaks fondly of you.” In their few texts, limited by the terrible reception here, but fondly nonetheless. “And she makes wonderful cookies.”

It’s not as though Persephone has never laughed, in the time they’ve been here, but Thanatos thinks, hearing this, that it’s always been but a shade of the joy present now. “She does, doesn’t she? I suppose I could ask her.”

Zagreus’ grin is self-satisfied, but there’s some softness to it as well. A damn meddler to be sure, but he truly does love when the people he cares about end up happy.

Thanatos strokes his thumb in circles along Zagreus’ hand, and Zagreus turns that lovely smile on him, but gone even softer.

Perhaps there’s always been love in that smile, and he’s just never recognized it.

At the thought, he can’t help but press a chaste kiss to Zagreus’ cheek, and feels as the smile widens under his lips.

“Oh, you two,” Persephone says, not unkindly. “The weekend, then? I’ll need to make some preparations. I’d thought we might go out before you leave. Don’t worry, dear, with your condition in mind,” at Thanatos. “Do you mind?”

“No, that sounds great, Mom.” He falters. “I mean. Than?”

Thanatos hasn’t gone ‘out’ unless it’s to a doctor’s appointment since before he got sick. But it would be rude to say no, and besides, the worst case scenario is really just that he…falls and hits his head.

So really, the worst has already happened, and he even managed to get Zagreus out of it, so.

“No, of course. I’ll look forward to it.”

The day of their outing is a Friday that dawns sunny and blue-skied, as though the heavens themselves are blessing them. They drive down roads that go from official to dirt path, and find themselves eventually at a big, almost oddly circular lake.

“Oh!” Zagreus says, sounding delighted. “I only came here once.”

“I come here often,” Persephone says, sounding a little far away. “It’s a good place to think.”

Around them, scattered here and there, are couples and families taking advantage of the lovely day. There are kids running into the water and shrieking about the temperature, chasing each other in and out of the place where water meets rock and dirt. It’s a perfect snapshot of humanity.

Thanatos doesn’t feel a part of it at all.

He stares at them until his vision goes blurry, until he feels like a visitor from somewhere else inhabiting his own body, until his hands curl to his palms—

“Hey,” Zagreus says, catching his hands in his own. “You okay?”

“It’s so…” His voice echoes in his ears. Loud. Bright. Foreign.

“It’s okay.” Zagreus kisses his hands like he has so often since their confession, kisses the palms light but somehow still grounding. “How about we set out a blanket so you can lie down. Okay?”

“Yeah,” he mumbles, and lets himself be led to the trunk of the car. Zagreus handles him deftly but gently, getting out the blanket and the basket Zagreus’ mother had prepared, then shuffling him over to a nice spot of grass outside the line of the sun and far enough from the lake that the sounds aren’t as present. He lays down the blanket, sets down the basket, then delicately pushes Thanatos to lie down. Once he’s done he rests there next to him, still holding his hand.

Like this, Thanatos isn’t looking at any people, just at the sky and the occasional clouds that drift by. His head starts to return to him somewhat, and he sighs and turns to nestle into Zagreus’ side.

“You back?” Zagreus murmurs, stroking a hand along his arm.

Thanatos nods, pushing even closer until his head is against Zagreus’ chest. He doesn’t have the energy for words until a while later, though, when he asks, “Your mother?”

“Left to dip her feet in the lake.”

He hadn’t even noticed. He exhales again, the air making Zagreus’ collar flutter. “I hate,” he finally says, “That all of this…the being inside, the…everything. I hate that it’s so normal to me now that it makes being around people seem strange.”

Zagreus considers, his hand stilling a moment before resuming its calming caress. “I hate that too.”

Thanatos goes rigid, his mind spinning immediately into worst case scenarios. “I’m sorry.”

“No! No, I just mean…” He huffs, frustrated. “I hate that you’re hurting and I can’t fix it. That there’s nothing I can _do_ or _say_ or…there’s no kind of effort on my part or maybe even yours that makes this easier for you. I hate that, but that doesn’t mean I hate any part of being with you.”

“Ah.” He relaxes slightly. “I don’t know. I think you make things better.”

“That’s very sweet,” Zagreus says. Thanatos can hear the smile. “And I’m glad if that’s true. But not medically.”

“No,” Thanatos agrees. “Such it is.”

“Such it is,” Zagreus echoes with a sigh of his own. “But at least I can hold you, huh?”

“That you can. Not that you were ever too restrained about touching me,” Thanatos says jokingly, poking Zagreus’ side.

“I’m a cuddler, and I don’t think you minded, and ow.”

“I didn’t,” Thanatos admits, looking up at Zagreus. “And that didn’t hurt.”

“No?” Zagreus jabs his thumb into Thanatos’ side.

“Ow!” Thanatos scowls. “You did it harder. Mine was more like—” He rolls on top of Zagreus to poke him forcefully in the curve of his hip.

Zagreus flips them. “ _Ow,_ ” he says, wrinkling his nose as he looks down at Thanatos. “See, that was rude.”

“You were rude first, squirt.”

“I think you were rude on purpose first,” Zagreus says, a glint coming to his eyes, “And so I think you should apologize.”

Thanatos is mostly sure they’re playing, but he still bristles at the thought. “No!”

“No? Do I have to apologize first?” He raises his eyebrows and then lowers himself down until he’s right up against Thanatos’ lips. “I don’t know,” he whispers, lips brushing Thanatos’ as he talks. “I still think you go first.”

Ah, so that’s the game, Thanatos thinks, even as his heartbeat goes faster. “No,” he says, faux-defiant, relishing how Zagreus’ eyes darken.

“No, huh,” Zagreus says lowly, and takes Thanatos’ top lip into his mouth. “You’re sure?”

“Never,” Thanatos breathes.

The corner of Zagreus’ lips tic up.

“No reward for you, then,” he says cheerfully, and gets up in a flash to dash away, calling, “Unless you catch me!”

“You _ass,_ ” Thanatos growls, and struggles to get up so that he can run after him, or at least walk fairly briskly in his direction.

When he’s near, he realizes Zagreus is running in an overdramatic slow motion along the edge of the lake, moaning “Oh no, he’s catching up, what will I do.”

Thanatos rolls his eyes. “Zag, seriously?”

“Seriously,” he says, in that same drawn-out slow-motion speech. “I’m in trouble.”

Thanatos snorts, amused despite everything, and says, “A _child._ ”

“I’m _not—_ ” He shrieks as Thanatos catches him off guard and sweeps him up into his arms. “Wait, Than, no, this isn’t safe for you!”

“Be more concerned about your own safety,” Thanatos says, and tosses Zagreus into the lake as far as he can manage.

The floor of the lake drops off sharply close to shore, which of course Thanatos had eyed before throwing Zagreus so as to avoid injury. Zagreus emerges from the lake spluttering, mouth wide open. “Oh my God, Than!”

Thanatos shrugs smugly.

“You asshole,” Zagreus says, “I’m going to get you,” and gets out of the lake to chase Thanatos with arms open.

Thanatos is almost expecting the slow-mo, which is why it takes him somewhat by surprise when Zagreus just charges towards him at full speed. Zagreus is, of course, still a very fast runner, so even though Thanatos tries to run away, it isn’t too long before Zagreus tackles him in a bear hug.

A very, very wet bear hug.

“Ew,” Thanatos complains, pawing at Zagreus’ chest ineffectually. “I’m all wet now, you dick!”

“Oh no, I wonder what that’s like, sounds awful,” Zagreus says in a sarcastic monotone. “C’mon. Let me love you.” He squeezes even tighter, rocking them back and forth.

“I’m letting you,” Thanatos says, feeling a familiar lightheadedness set in, “But I may have to request you love me horizontally.”

Zagreus looks at him with far less horror than would be appropriate. “But there are kids.”

Thanatos smacks at his chest again. “No.” Then, to illustrate his point and also because his vision goes fuzzy and flashes black for a moment, he goes limp in Zagreus’ arms.

“Holy shit!” Zagreus shrieks, immediately dropping to the ground with Thanatos in tow, so quickly that they both smack their knees uncomfortably against the rocks. “Ow!”

“Graceful,” Thanatos mumbles.

“Shut up. I told you that wasn’t safe for you.” There’s a catch in Zagreus’ voice, something that speaks of panic, and Thanatos’ heart sinks.

“I know. I just wanted…” To be normal? A normal guy playing at the beach, having fun with his partner. Like he would have been, once, without all this.

“I know,” Zagreus says, softer. “But you have to prioritize your health right now. Can’t do anything if you’re dead.”

Thanatos cracks a small smile at the reminder of Zagreus’ college motto. “Yeah.”

“Look at this way. Plenty of stuff we can do lying down like this.”

Thanatos rolls his eyes. “Like what?”

“Are you an exhibitionist?” Zagreus asks solemnly, squealing at a pitch he would never admit to if asked when Thanatos pokes him in the hip once again. “God, I’ll tell you what you can’t do, is take a joke!”

“I take jokes just fine. I prefer when they don’t involve a public indecency charge.”

“See, that just ruins my entire repertoire, though.” Zagreus grins up at him, so beautiful in the sunlight and against the backdrop of the sky.

And still so, so wet.

“You’re ruining my clothes,” Thanatos retorts, “So I think it’s a fair exchange.”

Zagreus scoffs. “And you’re the one who threw me in a lake, you hypocrite! Nothing’s fair here!”

“No? Not even that I fairly caught you?”

“Because I let you,” Zagreus grumbles, but he sighs exaggeratedly and adds, “But I guess I still owe you a reward.”

The rocks against Thanatos’ back and the water licking at his feet and seeping into his clothes from the places where Zagreus is pressed up against him is uncomfortable enough to keep him from the public indecency charge.

Admittedly, though, they get pretty close before he hears Persephone saying, exhausted, “Here?”

They go back to the blanket, towel off and get their shirts off to dry, which is rather distracting. They eat the food Persephone prepared for them, and talk about nothing important. Zagreus lets Thanatos lay on his lap when he gets sleepy. He dozes off looking at him, and his wildly gesturing hands, and the sparkle in his eyes, and how the sun dapples his skin with shadows from the light through the trees.

When he wakes up, it will probably be time to get home. They’ll have to pack, or at least Thanatos will, because he doesn’t throw things in haphazardly like Zagreus does. There will be that odd feeling before they go to bed where their rooms are empty of all of their things, and it feels impersonal and stark and wrong, and where they’ll fall asleep thinking about whether they missed anything and how they forgot to look up the weather for the drive tomorrow and if everything will go all right.

But this is later. Here, there is a light breeze and a bright sky and Zagreus’ warmth all around him, and Thanatos thinks before he falls completely under for his nap that at least this is probably the nicest way the dream could have ended.

Normal or not, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'can't do anything if you're dead' was my college motto and i stand by it baby!! also, i will not elaborate on why i am saying this, but fuck lakes, and lake terminology in specific. also also, this is not coronatime, because people are out and that's fine, they are spreading Zero Virus, no need for masks, i am saying this in part because my rona alarm was blaring the entire time i was writing this. god help us all, i think i may be permanently fucked in that regard
> 
> anyway just more discussion and filler BUT they leave next chapter i PROMISE ((a promise 2 myself))


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: slight disagreement about unsafe driving, a minor guilt trip, insecurity, talk about abandonment issues

The next morning, Zagreus is pulled aside by his mother to talk and comes back slightly red-eyed and subdued. Thanatos, concerned, bumps his hip and raises his eyebrows—do you want to talk? Zagreus shakes his head and gives a shaky smile. “We should get our luggage outside, I think. If we wait too long we’ll hit rush hour back into the city.”

Thanatos gazes searchingly at him a while longer, but Zagreus just bumps his hip back. “Worrywart. Come on.”

Zagreus has a couple other things he wants to do after their luggage is safely packed in the back of his car. If it were Thanatos, that would mean doing second checks—or, well, third, because he’s already done his second-checking—but for Zagreus, he drags Thanatos back to the cliff at the back of the property and stares out at the sky smiling, and walks slowly around to the front while brushing his hands along the plants in his mother’s garden, and then stands in front of the car looking nostalgically at the house.

“I’ll miss it here,” he murmurs.

“We can come back,” Thanatos offers, then feels presumptuous. “Or…I mean, you can.”

Zagreus scoffs. “How many times will my mom have to tell you that you can come back anytime for you to believe her?”

He’s not sure he ever would, not without explicit permission on both their parts, but he just shrugs instead. Zagreus lets it go.

From under the porch, a tiny triangular snout emerges, sniffing at the air, and Zagreus laughs delightedly. “Look, Blossom’s saying goodbye! God, I’ll miss her too. Do you remember all those adventures we had with her, feeding her and meeting her babies and watching her rummage around the property, her just popping up all the time…”

No.

No, he does not remember this.

But he doesn’t want to get into that right now, so he smiles, strained, and nods. “Ah. Yes. Good…ol’ Blossom.”

Maybe...he doesn't remember because of the head injury? He's just not going to think about it.

Persephone finally walks out of the house, eyes even redder and smile false and pasted on. “You two going to get out of here, then?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Zagreus says, kicking at the dirt in the way Thanatos knows means he’s anxious.

“Right, right.” She inhales shakily. “Well, um…”

Zagreus is the one to break the awkward silence, walking forward to hug her. “Thank you so much again for letting me stay here, and for…uh, and Thanatos too…”

“Of course. Thank you, m…” He grits his teeth. “Seph.”

“God, if it’s that painful, you can just call me ma’am,” she jokes, smile slightly lighter. “Maybe that will make the transition to ‘mom’ less painful someday, anyway.”

Thanatos freezes, reddening slightly.

She chuckles. “You’re so easy. Come here, please.” She draws him into a hug.

Hugs aren’t his favorite thing—apart from family and Zagreus, he really doesn’t love being touched—but he endures it out of politeness, and because there’s chance enough they’ll meet again with her promising to come by his mother’s house, and perhaps a little because there’s some of that same warmth in her that he feels in Zagreus.

“It’s been a delight getting to know you,” she says, patting his back a few times. “I’ll look forward to seeing you back here, all right?”

Zagreus, to his side, is giving one of his smug ‘told-you-so’ looks, which he does not at all appreciate. “Well, thank you.” He steps back carefully. “And thank you for allowing me here.”

“Allowing,” she murmurs, shaking her head. “We can work on it.”

She turns to Zagreus again, and they exchange some more goodbyes in hushed tones, at one point saying something that makes him say “Mom!” in a scandalized voice and going pink. From the quick glance at Thanatos, he has some idea he might be involved. How awkward.

“All right,” Zagreus finally says, “Than, you want to take the first leg again?”

“I beg your pardon?” Persephone says dangerously. “He _drove?_ ”

Zagreus blinks. “We went halfsies.”

“You went ‘halfsies’ with someone who gets dizzy when he’s sitting too long?”

Thanatos winces bodily. He’d wanted to help so badly—

“Wait, Than,” Zagreus says, with a glare that looks so exactly like his mother’s it’s clear to see how they’re related. “Are you even allowed to drive?”

He fidgets. “I suppose that would depend on who you ask.”

“And if I were asking you.”

He sighs, curling in on himself. “It…I mean, I would like to make it clear that if I had felt something troublesome coming on when we were coming here I would have stopped—”

“Thanatos.”

“It might be wiser,” he concedes shamefully, “If I sat this one out.”

Being chastised by Zagreus is never a pleasant experience. Being chastised simultaneously by Zagreus’ mother, who is even louder and much scarier, is substantially less pleasant, and by the end of it Thanatos is almost convinced he should never drive again in his life if it means avoiding that.

If there’s anything positive about it—and this is only if Thanatos tries _very_ hard to find a silver lining—it’s that at least Zagreus is distracted from the pain of leaving, as near as Thanatos can tell, by anger at Thanatos’ admittedly irresponsible behavior. So that’s…something.

It does mean, though, that the start of their drive is silent in an unhappy kind of way as Thanatos tries to be as small as possible in the passenger seat, music playing on a low volume in the background but not low enough to drown out the silence between them.

“You don’t have to do that, you know,” Zagreus says, eventually. “The whole…shrinking rabbit thing. You’re taller than me anyway.”

Thanatos purses his lips and bites back the retort about how there are tall rabbits, because it’s just being argumentative for argument’s sake and also it’s really not even that true. Long rabbits? Long rabbits might be more accurate. This is a stupid thing to even be thinking about.

“I just get worried for you. You understand that, right? I know…fuck. I know that I can’t fully understand how you feel about all this, but I do know it must be pretty shitty. I mean, of all people for this to happen to. You hate admitting you need help more than anyone else. But—if you can’t accept right now asking for help—could you at least accept knowing that straining yourself will make me worry?”

Thanatos sits up straighter, scowling. “I don’t like being guilt tripped, either.”

“I know you don’t.” Zagreus takes a hand off the wheel to press the heel of his palm to his forehead, between his eyebrows. Just for a moment, but it still drops Thanatos’ heart down into the pit of his stomach. “But I just…can’t…”

“No, I get it,” Thanatos says quietly. “I’ll try.”

Zagreus nods silently.

“As long as we’re talking our shit out, and all, do you want to talk about your mom?”

Zagreus barks out a humorless laugh. “God. No. I mean, not really, but—shit, I’m sorry, I know I’m being kind of a dick right now, this isn’t a good way to start a long drive at all.”

“You don’t have to.”

“No, uh…I don’t know. Short version is I’m still angry at her, but I also have all these maternal abandonment issues for some reason—” He rolls his eyes sarcastically. “And so leaving her doesn’t feel great, and her trying to act like my mom all of a sudden also kind of doesn’t feel great, yeah? And so her talking to me in there like she was, it was just…confusing. I guess.”

Thanatos drops a hesitant hand on Zagreus knee and squeezes. After a few moments of trying to collect his thoughts, he says, “I know I can’t really understand how you’re feeling right now here, either. Not exactly. But your relationship with her, you can build that at your own pace and to the degree you want. She did leave you, circumstances aside, and I think it’s natural to feel conflicted about that. She might be ready for more than you are right now, but you still can dictate what you’re comfortable with.”

“I don’t want to hurt her,” he murmurs.

“Of course you don’t. You’re a people pleaser.”

Zagreus snorts, and his lips quirk up slightly. It's not like he can deny it.

Thanatos continues, “And also a good person. I don’t know. It’s not like I think there’s some magic easy solution here, as much as I wish I had one for you.” _Useless._ “But we can figure it out.”

“I hope so.” He sounds downtrodden, and Thanatos doesn’t like it on him.

“I can hurt her for you,” he offers awkwardly.

Zagreus laughs, suddenly. “Like shit. She wouldn’t even believe it.”

“I could!”

“You’re a terrible liar, for one, and for two, she obviously loves you.” He shudders. “Told me she would take you if I ever got tired of you.”

Thanatos’ mouth drops open in horror. “No.”

“She absolutely did, and I think she was only part joking.”

Zagreus looks over at him briefly and starts laughing in earnest. “Oh my God, Than, your face.”

“I don’t like that idea,” he chokes out.

“I can tell! You look like you just stepped in something suspicious.”

“Well, apparently I have!”

That sets Zagreus off in peals of laughter again, and while the thought of it is still at best unappealing, at least they drive the rest of the trip in better spirits. And also, in five hours and fifty minutes, since Thanatos didn’t drive.

But if it makes Zagreus happy, he supposes he’ll deal with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look frankly this chapter is just me overcompensating for a) how i set up blossom the opossum as some animal sidekick type character in the beginning and then never mentioned her again bc i forgot she existed and b) that i realized than shouldn't have been driving in the beginning as well, i think i was thinking his upright time would be longer than 3 hours so it was fine but i haven't been consistent with that during the rest of the fic so it's a no-no. iiiiiii PROMISE it'll be actual...plot shit next time round lol.....i swear it.....and at least they're out of the house, ey? also i had said there would be no more arguments in the fic but this is just a lil one so hopefully its all right;;;;;;;;;; 
> 
> anyway awkward little chapter that feels a lil icky but its OKAY we're movin PAST IT


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: secondhand embarrassment, medical issues, internalized ableism, food mention, some minor anger

It’s one of those sweet things people say when they’re together with someone: that with the person they love by their side, they can deal with anything, conquer any trial, weather any storm, so on and so forth.

Thanatos isn’t certain if they’re just bullshitting or if his power of love isn’t strong enough or what, but even with Zagreus holding him up in a quite literal sense—he’s not capable of walking stably by himself after that long of a drive—he’s feeling decidedly incapable of dealing with his whole family waiting for him back at his mother’s house.

“Welcome back from your honeymoon,” Hypnos says with a shit-eating grin on his face. “How was the sex?”

“Hypnos,” his mother admonishes. “Not at the dinner table.”

He perceptibly brightens. “Wait. Are you, my mother, giving me permission to harass them about their sex life after dinner?”

Charon grunts disapprovingly before casting an assessing glance at Thanatos leaning against Zagreus and giving them a thumbs up.

Chaos—because they’re here too, of course, to fully flesh out Thanatos’ humiliation—doesn’t even bother looking at them, engrossed as they are in what appears to be a book titled ‘The Value of Silence’, but they do murmur, “If you wish to talk about such things, I would prefer it be done elsewhere.”

What Thanatos wishes to say is ‘it won’t be talked about anywhere’, and also maybe ‘fuck off,’ but he’s been up so long that his brain is about four feet left of his body and his vision is blurry and he has no idea what the fuck is going on, so he slurs out, “No,” and hopes that communicates his meaning.

Hypnos sighs tragically. “Sounds like Thanatos really wants to talk about his sex life at the dinner table, Grandsy.”

Thanatos scowls as best as he can, somewhere in the direction of wherever his head is lolling, and says louder, “No!”

“Stop bullying him, Hypnos,” Zagreus says reproachfully, but his smile makes it seem like it isn’t really all that big a deal, which it is for Thanatos in particular. “It’s so good to see you all again.”

“Aw,” Hypnos coos. “If you wanted to see me so bad, you coulda tried staying nearby.”

Zagreus’ smile goes a bit pained for a moment. “Yeah. I know. I’m sorry.”

Hypnos cocks his head slightly, then shrugs. “Done is done, right? Speaking of doing—”

Zagreus strategically interrupts, “I’m gonna go get Than laying down first, he’s had to sit up the whole car ride and he’s having a rough time. Be back in a blink, okay?”

Thanatos internally thanks him. Externally, he delivers Hypnos a very floppy middle finger.

As Thanatos is led to the family room by Zagreus, he hears Hypnos give an overwrought gasp. “Mother! Mother, he birded me!”

“Frankly, my son, I think you may have brought that bird upon yourself,” his mother says calmly. “Help me with the chopping, would you?”

“All right, let’s get you on the couch,” Zagreus says cheerily. “You overcooked fettuccine noodle.”

Thanatos shoots him a betrayed look. “Not a noodle.”

“You walk like one.”

Thanatos frowns. “Noodles don’t…uh…don’t…” In addition to the slur and a bit of a stutter, words are difficult coming when he’s like this, and it’s very irritating. “Don’t walk.”

“And yet!” Zagreus sets him down on the couch. “Heave ho.”

“P…pat…p…” He takes a deep breath, trying to fight back the frustrated tears that sometimes threaten to bead at the corners of his eyes in these moments. God, first his brother, then Zag, but worst of all is himself, isn’t it? ‘Patronizing’. It shouldn’t be that hard. “Not a kid,” he says instead, and turns to face the couch cushions, away from Zagreus.

“Oh,” Zagreus says softly. “No—no. I’m sorry, Than. I didn’t mean to…lean into this, or anything. This is already difficult enough for you.”

Thanatos sighs against the cushions. He just wants to lie down long enough that he can be coherent again. Or—he just wants to be—not like this anymore, really, but he can focus on the attainable goals for now, at least.

“S’okay,” he mumbles, muffled. “Just…need…”

“I’ll be here.” The couch dips slightly, and Zagreus runs his hand along Thanatos’ arm. “Mind if I monologue?”

Thanatos snorts. “Mm-mm.”

“Okay, then…well, hm. It was a surprise to see everyone here, huh? Especially Chaos, they never leave their house. They seem kinda like they wish they hadn’t…”

He listens to Zagreus chatting about nothing much at all, and slowly his mind and mouth return to him, and after a while he turns back around to face Zagreus, who smiles down at him. “Feeling better?”

“Mostly, yeah.”

“Better enough to face Hypnos?”

“Never,” he says, raising his voice for the benefit of familiar footsteps that stopped to linger outside the doorway a few minutes ago. “Hypnos was rude and crass.”

“This comes as a surprise?” Hypnos asks, footsteps coming closer until he’s peeking down over the couch. “Look, it’s not every day my beloved twin brother comes home with a beau. I had to say _something.”_

“You had to say something about sex in front of our grandparent?” Thanatos asks dryly.

“I’m a slave to my brand,” Hypnos says with another dramatic sigh.

Thanatos rolls his eyes, but a hint of a smile makes its way through. They have their differences, but while Thanatos is still aggravated by Hypnos sometimes, he knows Hypnos loves him. “Right. But you know if you bring it up again, there will be consequences.”

“Of course,” Hypnos says, waggling his eyebrows. “Fun consequences, though?”

“No.”

“Boo.” His eyes turn to Zagreus, who’s watching them fondly. “Hey, you.”

Zagreus blinks. “Yes?”

“Look, I couldn’t say this in front of Mother and all, but.” He walks around the couch and kneels next to Zagreus. His usual easygoing expression drops for just a moment while he slugs Zagreus in the arm. It probably hurts more than Zagreus lets on, from the quick inhale of breath. “That’s for Than.” He’s back to normal immediately, though Zagreus is wincing. Probably not because of the arm-punch, Thanatos thinks.

Hypnos smiles lazily. “Anyway, glad to see you guys finally got your shit together. It’s been painful seeing you two tiptoe around each other.”

“I wasn’t tiptoeing,” Thanatos says with as much dignity as he can manage, which isn’t much given he knows Hypnos is right. “Wait, you knew he liked me?”

Hypnos gives him a ‘are-you-fucking-serious’ look, and says, “Literally everybody knew he liked you.”

“I didn’t,” Thanatos defends, scowling.

“You’re very intelligent, brother, but you can also be an idiot, is why,” Hypnos says, patting Thanatos’ head. “It’s okay. That’s why the gods gave you a smarter brother—”

Thanatos flicks him in the forehead.

“Ow! A smarter and much kinder—”

“Consequences,” Thanatos threatens darkly.

Hypnos pouts. “Fine, fine! You’re an angel and so am I. Anyway, dinner’s ready, you okay to get up?”

Thanatos nods, and Hypnos stands to leave the room. “See ya there, angel dear,” Hypnos sings, then adds, “Brother-in-law.”

Zagreus flushes, making circles in the carpet near his feet, as Thanatos makes to sit up. “Wait,” he says quietly. “Before—did you—” He exhales, frustrated. “Hypnos and I used to be friends, didn’t we?”

Thanatos pauses. “You still are, I think.”

“But…”

“He was angry you left. Mostly on my behalf, I think, because I was a bit of a mess. But he wanted a goodbye from you too.” Thanatos places a careful hand on Zagreus’ shoulder. “He doesn’t like to let on when he’s hurting, so I think he’s playing it off right now. But if you apologize properly to him later, it’ll be fine. He’s not the sort to hold grudges, you know that.”

Zagreus takes Thanatos hand in his and places it to his face, sighing and leaning into it. “Just worried I fucked everything up for good.”

“No,” Thanatos says softly, sitting up now and leaning forward to kiss Zagreus lightly. Leaning back, his lips quirk up. “I think I was the worst hurdle anyway, to be frank.”

“Worth it,” Zagreus says, kissing Thanatos’ palm and smiling brightly. “You’re my favorite hurdle.”

“That isn’t as romantic as you think it is,” Thanatos admonishes, even though it is a _little_ adorable of him to say.

Just a little, though.

“All right. Dinner. You sure you’re okay now?”

Thanatos huffs, and now he can say perfectly, “Don’t be patronizing. I said I was, and I am.”

“Okay.” Zagreus stands, and uses Thanatos’ hand to pull him up. He doesn’t let it go, either, and they walk towards the kitchen hand in hand. “You know, this is kind of like meeting the parents,” he says brightly.

“No, it’s not. You’ve known my mother for years.”

“Yeah, but not as the mother of my partner.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Thanatos grumbles.

“I’m being serious! If I don’t make a good impression, she’ll _never_ give me your hand!”

“Oh my God.”

“And then I won’t be able to call on you anymore—”

“You’re living in our house.”

“Thanatos, you’re supposed to support me,” Zagreus says in a faux-whine, and—well.

Maybe it’s still some kind of exaggeration that you can get through everything with the person you love in hand. But for now, at least, it’s true that he’s not concerned about tonight anymore.

So that’s something, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just silly tbh, but i thought i'd drop the kids in. hypnos is prob wildly ooc but look.............in my sandbox i can pretend hes in character gdi
> 
> sorry btw that this chapter took so long! its a combination of feeling really sick a few days, having really bad hand pain, and having to use up my limited daily Hand Energy on some christmas stuff and such--buuuuut the christmas stuff is done so i should be tentatively back in the game! i mean, knock on wood and such. my equally tentative plan is some more family dinner shit next time and THENNNN getting to the elephant in the room..... (hades being the elephant) but also like, dont trust me, my plans are shit


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: innuendo, food mention, murder mention (as a joke), very brief unreality warning, very brief unsanitary warning, medical mention, mention of being fired, negativity, low self esteem, insecurity, depressive thinking, ableist thinking, anger, fighting, talk about being left out & abandonment, very brief incest joke

“You couldn’t have waited to bone?” Hypnos says loudly as they walk back into the room. “God.”

Chaos’ eyes finally whip to them, narrowed. “You _fucked?”_

Zagreus’ own eyes are round. “I didn’t know they swore,” he murmurs.

“When I choose. You fucked, with us right here?”

“There was no fucking. Hypnos is full of shit,” Thanatos says, much calmer now. “I was just lying down.”

Chaos considers, then goes back to their book. “Hypnos _is_ full of shit,” they concede.

Hypnos slaps his hand to his heart so emphatically the noise resounds in the room. “Grandsy! How could you!”

Charon huffs and signs, “ _Stop.”_

Thanatos’ mother sighs and places a bowl of salad down on the table. “All of you stop. What did I say about appropriate dinner conversation?”

Hypnos deflates, pouting slightly. “That this isn’t it.”

“Correct.” She pats his head as she drifts past to her chair. “I’m sure we can all find something else to talk about.”

“Drugs?” Hypnos offers, raising his hands when she gazes at him levelly. “Joking, joking. How about, uh, this guy I murdered the other day—ow! I’m _kidding!”_

“No, go on,” Chaos says, looking back up from their book with troubling intensity. “What’s this about the man you murdered?”

Hypnos visibly weighs his two options, looking between his mother and an easy mark, then sighs. “He doesn’t exist.”

Chaos purses their lips and shrugs. “Well, neither do I.” With that confounding statement left to table-wide silence, they’re about to return to their book once more before Thanatos’ mother tells them it’s time to eat.

She steers the conversation swiftly away from murder and the metaphysical by asking about Thanatos’ and Zagreus’ trip and Persephone. From there, things move naturally towards other things—a debate about whether lake water is dirty, a very spirited presentation by Zagreus about why possums are wonderful animals, how Charon’s boyfriend is doing, whether the new sleep physician Hypnos is seeing for his idiopathic hypersomnia is helping at all.

He wiggles his hand at that question. “Eh. Better than sometimes, worse than my best.”

“That doesn’t actually mean anything,” Thanatos says, somewhat amused.

“I mean, I still have it,” Hypnos says with raised eyebrows. “He’s trying some new shit, but like—it’s not like I expect to get _better_.” He yawns, scratching his mess of curls. “At least Hades hasn’t fired me yet.”

At that, both Zagreus and Thanatos freeze, almost simultaneously. It might be comedic if it weren’t for Thanatos suddenly feeling the weight of the hollow space opening up wide, roaring and deep, screaming, _even he, even he—_

He knows that’s not fair. He knows Hypnos works hard _harder than you, lazy, fucking lazy_ to stay awake long enough to keep a job. Working as a secretary in Hades’ company had been a major triumph for him _and not you_ and he’s proud _nobody’s proud of you_ and—

“I didn’t know,” Zagreus says, voice just as hollow as Thanatos feels, “That you were working…there.”

“Yeah, for a little under a year,” Hypnos says. His eyebrows are raised even higher. Thanatos knows that look—he’s getting ready for a fight. “So I suppose you wouldn’t.”

Zagreus’ laugh lacks substance. “Yeah. Guess not.”

“Thanatos recommended me.”

“Oh! Did he.”

Some terrible combination of anger and self-hatred wraps itself in a circle, feeding on itself, growing uglier. “He needed a job. That’s where I worked.” _Past tense. Not anymore. Not anymore but he still does—_

“I’m not mad at you, Than,” Zagreus says with a tight-lipped smile.

“What, so you’re mad at me? I can’t work at the biggest employer in the city because you have daddy issues?” It’s biting, nothing at all like Hypnos, and even in Thanatos’ current state his eyes widen.

“Boys—”

“No, if he’s got an issue with me I’d love to hear it! It’s been so long since we _talked_ , after all.”

“I didn’t—think you’d want—”

“To talk to my _best friend?!”_

The accusation hangs heavy in the air, and even as the hollow space chokes its way into Thanatos’ throat, he knows he has to do something. “Hypnos,” he says quietly, “Zag. Not here.”

Hypnos looks like he’s about to argue, but he settles when Thanatos places a firm hand on his shoulder. “Right. Excuse us. This isn’t appropriate for the dinner table either, apparently.”

Thanatos leads them both up to his room—familiar but neutral space, he can do this, he always does this—and closes the door behind them. “Talk,” he says simply. Not angry, just tired. God, maybe he needs to lie down again. _Only thing he can do, only thing he can ever do._

They both watch him as he lies down awkwardly on the bed separating them, Zagreus shifting his weight between his feet like there’s only that order keeping him from heading out on a run. For a moment, there’s silence, and Thanatos thinks he might need to intervene further, but then Zagreus sighs. “You’re right,” he says in a small voice. “I’m sorry.”

Hypnos examines his fingernails, some of the fight gone from his posture. “I didn’t block you.”

“I know.”

“He did, but I was still there.”

“…I know.”

“You could have talked to me. Even just once.”

“I know.” Zagreus kicks at the carpet. “I wasn’t…I kept thinking that, um. You’d be on his side…”

“I am,” Hypnos says sharply. “Always.”

“Uh, right.” Zagreus takes a deep breath. “Right, and so I thought you wouldn’t want to talk to me since I hurt him and he hadn’t forgiven me yet.”

Hypnos scowls. “You’re so stupid.”

“So it’s been said,” Zagreus mumbles, withering.

“Like—okay—okay, I know it’s always been you two. I…” He digs his hand into his hair, frustrated. “I know it’s you and Than and then—I’m just there to the side. I’ve been tagging along with you guys since I was a kid.”

“Nono—” Thanatos starts, worried, enough to call him by his childhood nickname.

“Don’t you start with that cute shit, _Toto,_ I’m talking. God, you two.” Hypnos sighs fiercely. “Look, you can try to say otherwise, I know you’d try if I’d let you say something just now. But I wasn’t invited on this little mountain retreat, hey?”

Zagreus’ shoulders slump. He looks like a kicked puppy. Thanatos, meanwhile, feels like one—like Hypnos kicked him right in his chest, strong enough to knock all the air from him, hard enough it aches.

He hadn’t known Hypnos felt like this.

Fuck. _Fuck,_ how hadn’t he _known._ He’s a _terrible brother—_ and _worse,_ because he’s _even making this moment about him—_

“And that’s, uh, I mean it’s not okay or anything, but like, I get it? It’s what I would have expected. And if it’s the kick in the ass you guys needed to get together, it’s probably better I wasn’t there.” He chews on his lips, tilting his head. “But, well, my point is. You two have each other, but, um.” He spreads his arms, a little helplessly. “I only have you guys. Thanatos is my brother, so he has to be around me, but—I don’t exactly make a lot of friends? I sleep too much, I joke too much, I’m…” His face twists, just for a moment again. “Irritating. I hear. So I know I’m not your best friend, Zagreus, but you’re mine. And you left without talking to me, and then Thanatos didn’t want to talk to you, and even then you couldn’t be bothered with me.”

Hypnos may look delicate, but he cries very rarely. He takes life like it’s a joke, even when it’s fucking him over. So when Thanatos sees his lip trembling, his eyes starting to glass over, he—well, he takes at least a moment to feel like the most colossal of colossal jackasses, but then he gets out of bed to hug him, because that’s his _brother._

“Thanatos,” Hypnos murmurs, trying to push him away. “Not now.”

“Yes now,” Thanatos says, holding him tighter.

“I’m trying to make a fucking point.”

“I know. I think you made it.”

“Not yet—”

Thanatos turns them so that Hypnos can see Zagreus, who is bawling as quietly as he can manage, hands in front of his eyes. “I’m not trying to guilt trip you, or to say you can’t still be angry,” Thanatos says softly. “But if your point is that he made you feel like shit, I think he gets it. I mean—you can keep talking, though.”

Hypnos sighs, with much less of an edge this time, and lets his head flop against Thanatos’ shoulder. “Making him feel like shit feels much less rewarding than I had hoped,” he mumbles.

“I know the feeling.”

“I want to still be angry.”

“You can be.”

“With his face like that? There’s snot fucking everywhere.”

“But you can still be angry. I didn’t want—” Thanatos exhales, irritated at himself. “I didn’t want to make you stop. I wanted to make you feel better. But not by making you stop? Just—”

“God. You’re both idiots.” Hypnos gently pushes Thanatos away. “Perfect for each other. Look, I promise to stay mad, okay?”

Thanatos frowns. “Well, only if you want—”

“We can talk later. Zagreus is going to leave a puddle of saltwater and agony on your floor, and I won’t be the one to clean it up.” Louder, he says, “Hey. Look. Uh—can you just, like, apologize so we can move on?”

“I’m sorry,” Zagreus says weepily. “I did fuck it all up.”

“Yes,” Hypnos says frankly. “So unfuck it. You can’t expect everything to be fine when you left without saying anything, even if it was for a reason. But you’re back now, so you can try to make things better again, and, I mean…ultimately, we’re your family, so we might give you another chance.” He shrugs as Zagreus slowly lets his hands drop to his sides. “Can’t know until you try.”

“That’s a very motivational way of telling me to get my ass in gear,” Zagreus says. Thanatos makes a face and gets a tissue to throw his direction, then takes another look at Zagreus’ face and throws a second. Zagreus catches both, the athletic bastard, and wipes off his face. “You don’t have to make me feel better.”

“Of course I don’t. I’m making you feel better because I’m incredibly magnanimous, and I do feel kinda bad about bringing up your dad so I’m sorry about that, and…even beyond the best friend thing, uh.” Hypnos looks away, tapping his toes nervously. “Basically you’re my brother?”

Zagreus blinks wetly.

Thanatos throws another tissue.

“Or, well, my brother-in-law.” Hypnos continues, being just as allergic to emotional intimacy as everyone in this household. It’s a blatant grab at a subject change, but Thanatos will allow it.

“No,” Thanatos says, still uncertain of how this conversation went and how he’s feeling, but at the very least certain that he and Zagreus are not married.

“Not yet,” Zagreus says at the same time.

They stare at each other.

“Well hey, that looks like a conversation I don’t need to be a part of!” Hypnos says, scrambling towards the door. “See ya—”

“Hey, Nono,” Thanatos calls out, looking over. “You know…you can always talk to me, right? Or…no.” He looks down, frowning. “No, I suppose it would be more accurate to say that’s true, but also…I want to talk to you more.”

Hypnos looks at him, head tilted, then nods. “Okay.” He pauses. “And Toto?”

“Yes?”

“My snot is all over your shirt.” He smiles angelically, skipping out the door. “Have fun explaining why you come down with a different shirt, because I’m definitely saying you propositioned me for a steamy incestuous threesome.”

Thanatos scowls. “Why do I love you?”

“I’m good-looking,” he guesses, almost out of sight.

“No, that’s not it,” Thanatos says gently.

Hypnos freezes, then pops his head slightly back in the door, silent like he’s not sure what to say. Finally, he says, “Uh, same. See you both downstairs.”

Zagreus stares out the door after him, blinking slowly, then looking down at his feet. The hollow place whispers to Thanatos— _you fucked that up. You fuck everything up. That’s just who you are._

_Maybe the end is—_

“Can we both lie down?” Zagreus asks wearily.

“Yeah,” Thanatos says.

Dinner’s long gone cold by the time they get down there again, and Hypnos makes good on his promise, but they probably both look ragged enough that even Chaos doesn’t ask if it was true. And hell, Thanatos didn’t even have the energy to change his shirt anyway.

(Hypnos smiles seeing it, in a shy, pleased kind of way, like he’s happy Thanatos didn’t try to get rid of the evidence he was there, and—well, it’s good he’s happy, of course.

Doesn’t really make Thanatos feel like a better brother, though.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so how clear is it that i was a lonely kid with two older sisters who were best friends and left me out all the time l o l....frankly i wasnt planning on any of that shit but i guess i wanted zag and hypnos to talk it out? eh. as a side note i maayyyyyy not like...resolve that? at least not in a scene...? we'll see but i think probably not. but also i didnt think these past three chapters at least would exist. dont be fooled by how im supposed to be the one writing this, i know fuckall what im doing.
> 
> oh! also. i don't know very much about idiopathic hypersomnia apart from the few articles i read for research, but it seemed the closest to hypnos in-game so i used it? i hope that isn't offensive in and of itself, and that i didn't say anything offensive about it. if i did, i apologize, and please let me know so that i can fix it!
> 
> im v sorry btw this took so long to get up...! i had more christmas shit (and a birthday thing) to make for other people, plus some rest days due to feeling sick, and basically i can do one thing that uses my hands a lot per day haha. uhh so given christmas and the birthday had a deadline i had to use up my hand energy there first. theres a chance it might take as long to do the next one, but hopefully.....not, we'll see, my body is a mystery


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cws for this chapter: talk about mending things with a friend, brief bdsm-flavored innuendo, overall for the chapter going back to speak with an abusive parent, nervousness about that, talk about gripping a hand so hard it might almost bruise (from zag to than bc he's nervous; that's the extent of it, it's not abusive of itself), hades being an asshole neglectful abusive parent in the flesh, negativity, self-hatred, a little bit of teeny tiny blackmail, cutting off ties with a parent

Closer proximity to one’s problems does not, of course, make it impossible to avoid them. Thanatos can attest to that. He avoids most of his problems, whether they’re out of reach or right in his face. Or in his brain, as the closest case may be.

Zagreus, however, is made of slightly sterner stuff. Now that he knows how unhappy he made Hypnos, he takes to ‘unfucking it’ with gusto. He texts him with all the frequency of a desperate spurned lover and invites him over for lunch every day the first week.

“Toto,” Hypnos says with a pained expression, showing up to lunch solely on their designated family meal day like usual. “Restrain your puppy.”

“I’d be fine with that,” Zagreus chirps, even as his face falls.

“Dinner table,” Nyx reminds them.

“We’re having lunch. This is a lunch table,” Hypnos responds imperiously, and then, “But also, like, I’m on Mother’s side here for once.”

Thanatos is too busy lightly slamming his head into the dinner-or-lunch table to contribute.

But if there’s any other thing Thanatos can attest to, it’s the power of being subjected to Zagreus’ full attention—how good it makes you feel, how important. Hypnos might complain about Zagreus when he texts Thanatos each evening, but he thinks he’s probably at least a little happy about it, too. They’ll patch things up. He’s sure of it.

Though, then again, he’s been sure of a lot of things, thought he’s known many things and people, that have recently turned out contrary to his expectations.

That’s not really something he likes thinking about. Life is a lot more comfortable with the illusion of control, not that there’s much of it left after his illness forcibly wrested it from him. He can still try to focus on what’s in his control—the choice to text his brother more often. The choice to try harder to get to know him better, maybe.

Or most pertinently to the current moment, the choice to hold Zagreus’ hand as he walks up the drive to his father’s house to speak to him. The choice he’s already made to stand by him, even though his plan could very well get them both kicked out, potentially even reported.

…He’s not really making himself feel much better thinking about that, either, really.

“It’ll be okay,” Thanatos says, squeezing Zagreus’ trembling hand.

“You don’t believe that,” Zagreus accuses, face pale, lips thin. “I’m the optimist of the two of us.”

Thanatos pauses. “True.”

“True that I’m the optimist or true that you don’t believe it’ll be okay?” Zagreus hisses, his grip on Thanatos’ hand tightening so hard it almost hurts.

Well—true both, really, but Thanatos can’t really _say_ that. He’s the one who pushed for Zagreus to come here today when he knew Zagreus was trying to put it off. His father has always been the one problem Zagreus would prefer avoidance over all else, after all. He knows that. And Thanatos may not have enough control over this situation to say that this will turn out okay, not for certain, but in this situation at least, he cares far more about reassuring his boyfriend than about control or certainty.

“I believe we’ll walk out of there,” Thanatos says, stopping their slow walk to turn Zagreus towards him and give him a soft kiss. “That’s what matters.”

Zagreus still narrows his eyes, but he returns the kiss. “That means functionally nothing,” he grumbles, starting to walk again. “Sometimes I wish you were a better liar.”

Thanatos furrows his brow. “I wasn’t lying there.”

“Exactly! You could’ve told me you knew for sure we’d—I don’t know—walk out kings of the world.”

“That’s not a thing.” Thanatos tilts his head. “Is that something you even want?”

“Dear God, Than.”

(Thanatos may not be good at lying, but he does know how to distract Zagreus, and he’s not gripping his hand with that bruising force anymore, at least.)

They reach the doorbell. With one look at the color leaving Zagreus’ face, Thanatos pushes it himself and stands as tall as he can manage.

It takes some time, and a second doorbell ring, but the door opens. Just a crack, but enough to show a towering man with a gigantic scowl looming over them: the man everyone calls Hades, save for Zagreus, who once called him father and now calls him nothing at all.

“What the hell is important enough you needed to ring twice?” he booms, then seems to actually properly look down. His eyes widen slightly.

“Hello,” Zagreus says, and drops Thanatos’ hand to stare his father right in the eye. “It’s been a while.”

His father looks back a while, then huffs. “I always knew you would come back.”

“Not quite,” Zagreus says, steel in his voice. “I need to talk to you.”

“If you’re asking for money, the answer is no.”

“Not that either.”

“Then what?”

“Nothing that should be discussed through a crack in your front doorway,” Thanatos says, summoning his own best ice-cold calm and arching his eyebrow.

Hades looks over at him, blinking in surprise like it’s the first time he’s noticing his presence. It probably is. “Oh. You.”

Thanatos can barely hold himself back from praising his observational skills. “Yes. It would be in your best interest to let us in, I think. The neighbors might talk.”

He frowns down at them, then growls, “Don’t waste my time,” and slowly opens the door.

Thanatos has only been in this house a handful of times, for all he and Zagreus were inseparable growing up. Zagreus infinitely preferred being at Thanatos’ home, and his father preferred having no ‘intruders’ in his. His house was, and is, his fortress, and he controls it with iron will.

Thanatos wonders, idly, if he might fear the loss of that control just as much as Thanatos does in his own life.

But once again, that’s really not something he’d ever like to consider in any depth. If he dislikes Zagreus’ father so much, and they’re similar—well—

Well, actually, he supposes it wouldn’t be too staggering a revelation that he doesn’t like himself. And on the other end, he doesn’t really care about Hades’ motivations. As far as he’s concerned, he’s hurt Zagreus too much for that to be either worthwhile or necessary.

Hades starts to head for the living room, but Zagreus walks in front towards the office instead. His father scoffs audibly and shakes his head, but follows still.

Once they reach the office, with its gigantic, imposing table and a few chairs placed in front of it like an uncomfortable afterthought, Zagreus sits down and waits for his father to be seated as well. His gaze doesn’t falter, strong and steady, and while Thanatos knows it’s probably mostly bravado, it only makes him even more proud. His Zagreus is so strong to do this, despite how he feels, and Thanatos wishes he could kiss him a thousand times and that he had some way to shore him up better than to just sit next to him.

He doesn’t, but hopefully Zagreus can feel it in the hand he brushes across his shoulder anyway.

“Speak,” Hades says when they’re all situated, sounding for all the world like a king ordering his subjects. Thanatos can see Zagreus bristling, and silently pats his knee.

Zagreus shoots him a grateful look, then starts. “While I was away—”

“Where were you, anyway?” he interrupts, fingers tapping against the desk. “With this one?”

Zagreus takes a moment. Finally, with a cool smile, he says, “I was at my mother’s house.”

Hades stands up in a flash, hands slamming the table. “What?” he yells. “That kind of childish lie—”

“It’s not a lie,” Zagreus says, calm, but with a fire to his eyes. “I left to find her, and I found her. You can ask Thanatos, if you like.” He glances at Thanatos, his smile turned briefly to a grin. “He’s a terrible liar.”

“I don’t consider it a fault,” Thanatos says with a sniff. “He was there. I visited too, just over a week ago.”

Hades sits again, except this time like a puppet with its strings cut, all in one moment and so heavy the chair creaks with his descent. “Persephone,” he whispers. “You saw her?”

“Yes.” Zagreus clenches his teeth, his feet starting to tap lightly on the ground. Noticing, Thanatos puts his hand on Zagreus’ knee again, and this time leaves it to stay.

Zagreus takes a deep breath, and looks at his father again with renewed resolve. “But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.”

“Is she all right?”

“That’s _not_ what I’m here to talk about,” Zagreus repeats, so harsh it’s almost a snarl. “When I’m done here, maybe I’ll tell you, but you do _not_ get to keep interrupting me while I speak just because you think it’s more important to talk than to listen.”

Hades’ scowl returns, but with what miniscule credit Thanatos is willing to give him, he doesn’t interrupt again. “Then why are you here?”

“While I was away, I started talking to people from your company. Ex-employees, present employees, everyone I could find.” Zagreus opens the file Thanatos hands to him and takes out the first piece of paper. “I compiled reports of wrongdoing and corruption at every level.”

Hades takes the piece of paper and reads over it, scowl deepening. “This is just one report.”

“One report, corroborated by dozens of others,” Zagreus says, eyebrows raised. “And that’s just about one guy. I also took down notes on overall impressions of the company and how it runs. The document—” He raises the file. “Is hundreds of pages. And very comprehensive, thank you.”

Hades puts down the paper and looks at Zagreus instead, face now carefully blank. “What do you want? You’re not trying to do me a favor. Is this blackmail?”

“A job,” Zagreus says, and Thanatos can see his face screwing up like he’s preparing to sign his life away, and with horror he finally realizes part of why Zagreus has been dreading this so much.

Fuck, he didn’t explain this right at all, did he.

Zagreus thinks he’s going to have to work with his father.

It’s impolite, but he interrupts Zagreus before he can finish his next word.

“When you read the whole report, you’ll be able to see that Zagreus is rather impressive at gathering information from people. He enjoys it, and he’s talented at it, so he wants a job doing it. So when he applies for a job and they ask for references, and they call you, you’ll tell the truth: that he compiled an excellent dossier for you. And one small, little lie: that you hired him to do this, as an undercover consultant.”

Zagreus’ head whips around to look at him, confused.

Thanatos isn’t good at lying, but he can act unruffled when he needs to. He’s spent his whole life pretending at an equilibrium he does not actually possess. He stares levelly at Hades, who glares at him with a storm on his brow.

“I will do no such thing.”

“Yes,” Thanatos says icily, leaning forward. “You will. Because he did a damn good job, and because you don’t want corruption in your company, and because he’s your fucking _son,_ and you _owe_ him.”

“I don’t owe him—”

Thanatos’ calm façade doesn’t drop, but his expression does go even colder. “Yes, you do, and here’s one last reason.” He leans forward the rest of the way, resting his palms on Hades’ gigantic table, and standing to lean even closer. “We could have taken this to the media first. We didn’t. But we still could. And I feel as though if they learn you knew of this document and did _nothing,_ they might feel it fit to add another page to Zagreus’ corruption report.”

Hades’ eyes bug out. “Are _you_ blackmailing me?!”

“Only a little bit.” Thanatos sits back down neatly, crossing his legs. “I don’t have to, because I know you’ll do the right thing when you read the report. But it pisses me the fuck off when you tell me you don’t owe your son anything, you see. You owe him for every single year he’s had to live with you.” Thanatos smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes. “And for every year you’ve lived with him, benefiting from his good nature. Don’t owe him, my ass.”

Hades splutters.

“You know, I couldn’t tell you this while I was in your employ, but you do not deserve your son. You have done nothing to deserve him, and you can do nothing to deserve him.” Thanatos grips the arms of the chair he’s in, knuckles going white. “You thought he was coming back, when you saw him at the door. The sheer audacity of that thought makes me livid. Of course he isn’t coming back today, but if he ever does, it will be because he has a beautiful heart, and if he never comes back to you, please know that even that level of mercy is more than you deserve.”

“You—”

“Anyway, just read the report,” Thanatos interrupts, which may be hypocritical but, well. He sees no value in Hades’ words whatsoever. “The file has a phone number at which you can contact him.” It’s really Thanatos’ phone number, because they had agreed it might not be a good idea for Hades to have Zagreus’ number unchecked at the moment, but it’s basically the same thing.

Zagreus is staring at him with wide eyes, jaw dropped.

“Zagreus, do you have anything else to say to him?”

“Uh.” Zagreus snaps his mouth shut, thinking. “You know—I guess I disagree on one point. I don’t know if you really owe me anything.” He smiles ruefully at Thanatos’ incredulous expression. “Frankly, I don’t know if I want you to feel like you owe me. If I had it my way, I wouldn’t have any connections with you left at all.”

Hades draws back. For a second—only the smallest second—hurt flashes across his face.

“I know you don’t realize how much you hurt me. Or, uh, if you do, maybe you think it was justified? Maybe both. So maybe you don’t understand why any of this is happening, or you just think I’m being rebellious, so—don’t owe me, Father.” His face settles, weariness and sadness and resignation and courage all in one, as he says, “But I want you to know this isn’t rebellion, and that I’ve thought this through, and that at the end of all that thinking, I chose to leave. Just understand that this is the only thing I’ll ever ask of you. The last thing before I’m gone for good. I can’t make that mean something to you, but it’d be nice if I were wrong.”

He stands up and drops the file on his father’s desk. Hades looks up at him.

His mouth opens a moment, but in the end, he doesn’t say anything.

Zagreus nods, and keeps nodding, looking away. Only Thanatos can see how tears start to bead in the corners of his eyes. As he leaves the room, Thanatos in his wake, he says, “She’s doing fine, by the way.”

They leave the house in silence. Hades doesn’t chase after them—not quite—but while Zagreus doesn’t look back, Thanatos does, and for a moment he sees eyes peeking out from behind that crack in the door.

He’s not sure whether that would make Zagreus happy to hear or not. The door closes, anyway.

Thanatos decides maybe right now quiet is best. Quiet—except for Zagreus’ tiny sniffles, and the sound as their clothes rasp against each other when they reach out at the same time to take each others’ hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW i fiiiiinally did that thing! guys when i started the chapter i nearly started talking about thanatos therapy and hypnos friend shit instead and didnt get to this for ANOTHER chapter. i s2g if i didnt force it we would never get here. christ. anyway but yes ive had a few of those lines in my notes for this fic for ages so, uh, glad to finally get that done even if the scene turned out different than i had initially expected. tbh this doesnt flow well in my mind at all and i really just have an issue with any writing i had to force a bit for that reason but, well, itsa done!
> 
> alsoooo im sorry its taken me so long to do another chapter here;; i wont go into too much detail but, uh, there have been reasons! ive been dipping in and out of being sick and theres been some family shit to boot so. my apologies but like, i wasnt just slackin is the point! mostly, uh, shit just sucks sometimes. :P but i really wanted to get somethin out since its been so long so! im not feelin great today but, well, i wont be feelin great tomorrow either, ya dig XD hopefully it works out all right for yall regardless. 
> 
> BUT on that note, since im feelin shitty and i have fuckéd up my hands tonight, i wont be doing my usual attempt to answer comments atm! im so sorry for that but truly i do read them all and they make me smile and i am so grateful for them and for u! anyway love u all, i hope you have a wonderful day whenever u read this!
> 
> oh yes right! i anticipate this ending in like...one or two chapters? you all know how bad i am at that lol but i think im...probably right;; this time. MAYBE. anyway, ready yourself for that

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! i have a tumblr at [anuninterestingperson](https://anuninterestingperson.tumblr.com) which i rarely use and a twitter at [@boringbibs](https://twitter.com/boringbibs) which i use more often, mostly to complain and rt art and shit lol. feel free to drop by if you feel so inclined, for whatever reason


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